Entropic Arc The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7 (August 23, 2022) The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR (Sept. 25, 2022) The Time Dilation Effect (Part 3) - https://pastebin.com/AAa2iAxa (Oct. 12, 2022) The Ultimate Sacrifice (Part 4) - https://pastebin.com/SvbkA8FC (Oct. 24, 2022) The Nomad's Guide to the Digital Life (Part 5) - https://pastebin.com/S21MY4pN (Nov. 9, 2022) Grand Sky Arc Dawn of a Stoic, Holistic, Intimate, Empathetic Hero (Dec. 6, 2022) - https://pastebin.com/7FSs02ZK Love is a Physiological Motivator, Not An Emotion Nor Object (Jan 22, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/0tdqg0Jb Being Near and Dear (Feb 2, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/frZCb4q7 All While Being Far and Discarded in Thoughts (Mar 8, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/Gtk5ShFj That Ends With the Mind Becoming The Labyrinth That Nobody Finished (Mar 16, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/XSzGRnkw Mind Labyrinth Arc DESPAIR (Mar 17, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/jMxTdzUj UNDESERVING (Mar 18, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/aNwfEXAu DEFRAGMENTATION (Mar 20, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/282UpfK7 [Current] Kingdom Heart Arc _______________________________________________________________________________________ THAT'S IT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF MY MIND TAKING AWAY MY RIGHT TO BE HAPPY! YOU HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALMOST AN ENTIRE DECADE OF MY LIFE AWAY, AND ENOUGH'S ENOUGH. Hah hah hah... Even though I have been holding myself back... Due to a barrier within my mind. But this is going to change, and I'm going to commit to it to the best that I can. I know there's some uncertainty to it all... But what better time to start than right now, I'm just gonna do it... That's probably the first time in awhile I've spoken out against myself. It is honestly thanks to a stranger I met in the Tavern last night. She was very tipsy with a couple of drinks, but noticed my status mentioned me not doing well. So she gave me a heart to heart conversation. While most of the advice is mostly what I know already, it was the pep talk that happened that moved me. She told me the fact that I'm still standing physically to this day is progress. She may not know me but she senses that I'm a great person and told me not to give up. While I did not get much sleep (like an hour and some change), I decided that I'm going to get up and walk outside early in the mornings before work for half an hour. It was around 30F Degrees so it was a bit on the cold side, but the cold was calming enough to power through and start to meditate naturally as I was on the move. In retrospect when I think about the actions I've chosen prior and staying absent out of getting closer to people enough to romantically like someone, I felt like I did the right thing especially after bringing it up to other people. I still advocate that if I have a major flaw that I need to work on, I should have that right to turn down that opportunity because I feel that it is not really fair for anyone to get closer to me simply to clean up or pick up the pieces. I know there are some people that are into that, and I also understand that you may feel fine getting into a romantic relationship, but later on feel terrible (and that's a different story). I'm talking about when you have a major thing you want to work on with yourself. While showering in the cold, I also came to terms that those morbid thoughts regarding the concept of life my mind was pushing me... My mind is absolutely right about everything. But the thing is at the end of the day, that mind is a devil when it gets its hands on that subject of life and turn it into something completely negative, and draws a pit into that. Which then makes it a chain reaction to, "If I stay like this for a while, nobody is going to be around me for too long." Which explains really, the outbursts of crying I've done that plagued me every other day. That's... A rather difficult thing to see or hear, let alone experience. But I will say that in the process of allowing myself to face my feelings and becoming completely transparent about it, I in turn, am able to grieve those tears away when I used to have a hard time crying in general. Will this new layer of transparency to the point that I can cry a lot easier than usual hinder me? Not me personally, but I understand that there would be some people who are uncomfortable. I've been ridiculed on occasion in public lobbies because of it by other men. But at the end of the day, if that's who I am, that is who I am. I won't stop for anyone... ______________ As the work day ends, I end up mellowing down quite a bit. And another walk outside with me closing my eyes to take in another round of fresh, cold air. For once in a long while, I do feel at peace. To know that I made a difference by just existing is a wonderful feeling. Like the classic past time "The Giving Tree', it seems that the only thing I can do is to give it my all and enjoy treating people right. This world can be an awful place... All I desire to do is to continue meeting new people, experience new things, and just enjoy the idea of existing. I rarely had those sort of ambition past platonic because it seems in my mind that it is rooted that things that are intimate in nature is a luxury, and that I don't really deserve them. Or perhaps that my heart is really into unrequited love. I like to believe that my efforts won't go in vain. That my words and advice will take people somewhere. For I am destined to never be anyone's final destination. I just like to have the tempo moving and make sure to leave something memorable or helpful that people I care about can carry on to the future. I suppose I've lived such a long time like this, so I honestly thought that me keeping and maintaining love was not possible for me. For I lack a lot of things required for that to happen. Spending most of my time alone does help out a lot in that category, for I made my main course to master my inner self and return the favor by bringing that out to others. So, I'll always be around in some shape or form. And I'll always appreciate every person who genuinely loved hanging out with me or giving me the opportunity to get closer. I do genuinely feel great appreciation. I'm glad I focused mostly on myself to at least be at peace with who I am. It took a fair share of entries. And sure I will have moments where my body will shake, but it's only because I've yet to live fully. For my heart will forever more be in a state of... Defragmentation. And soon enough, I'll fully stand up, be able to relax, and get back to enjoy the simple pleasantries they call company. It seems my true potential is just being around company. Always around, but never too close or too far. I'll give this heart of mine and turn it into a kingdom where people can finally be at ease, and be happy with each other. That's truly all I want, and I'll give everything I have. I desire nothing more.
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