Pasted

[This is a reflection entry mixed in with a new entry in itself. Reading the previous parts is not required, however I've listed additional older content that I will refer to for this entry. This reflection will be a mix of what I've written about, and where I was with life at the time when writing them.]
 Legacy Entries & One-Offs
 Gamers Fighting Depression Discord Server Log - https://pastebin.com/TNnTtX7g - (Feb 20, 2018)
Crit Time - https://pastebin.com/7KBrtus5 (Aug 15, 2018)
What it Means to Be A Critical Hit In 2019 (DMs) - https://pastebin.com/2JszNkRt (Feb 15, 2019)
The Fear of Failure by Critical Hit - https://pastebin.com/KdKwTk1E (Nov 16, 2019)
 The Monologue and the Precursor
 A Nomad in a Wasteland With Troubled Thoughts - https://pastebin.com/b6Md3atp (June 22, 2022)
 Volume I 
 Entropic, Grand Sky, & Mind Labyrinth Arcs - https://pastebin.com/NxpK0cHe (Aug 23, 2022 ~ Mar 20, 2023) 26k words
 Kingdom Hearts Arc
 Coming to Terms with Myself - [Current], ~7.8k words.
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 This will be the particular entry where I'll reflect back all the following entries and tie them to where I was in life. (Note: There are 'new' ones which were older ones I was aware of, but decided to make it public as it is relevant to me, CTRL+F the '[P#]' to skip to a part you like to read into first):
 [P1] Legacy Entries
[P2] The Monologue and the Precursor
[P3] *Redacted
[P4] Entropic Arc
[P5] Grand Sky Arc
[P6] Mind Labyrinth Arc
[P7] What I'll Be Doing Moving Forward After Coming To Terms With Myself
 *There's a particular set of entries that is private, this will be explained later.
 I’ll admit that March was the most explosive month and it took a toll on my entire being for most of it. Yet at the same time, it is a perfect opportunity to start reflecting all that I’ve written, all that I’ve experienced emotionally within that month. After some extended thinking time as well, there are some fundamental cold truths that can be very discouraging to process or read. But I need to get through this in order to know where I stand.
 For starters, I held off on fully publishing this journal entry until I ended up giving myself several days to adjust back to seeing people again after spending half of March on my own, and set to Do Not Disturb on VRChat. This is so I can write down the various experiences I went through and make a mental note on what's been going on. I was also thinking how to write this one as it is a bit special to me.
 I've actually started writing the first public one style of entries since June 22th, 2022. 
 This will also be the particular entry where I'll discuss what my plans and thoughts are moving forward and how journaling for seven months consecutively now have done for me.
 So in order for me to commit to 'Coming to Terms With Myself', I will personally go through every log, read them over again, summarize them a bit and give a commentary of what happened and see why I felt those thoughts. Perhaps in this process, I will either know more about myself than I'd like to and be afraid of it, or really do come to terms with myself.
 Let's get into them.
 [P1] Legacy Entries
 Gamers Fighting Depression Discord Server Log (Feb 2018): 
 While from my observation, my depression has happened before 2018. However, the earliest entry I've logged was around February of 2018 where I talked to someone in a support group Discord Server. 
 Imagine that around that time, I worked retail for a while. Those kind of jobs in themselves are quite stressful. Odds are you've heard a lot of spooky stories over working those kind of jobs, so I'll save the details on them. 
 I have to thank her a lot for sorting out my feelings as a complete stranger the first time around. However, there were some mistakes I've made when managing my Discord Server at the time that things fell apart in that moment. The important part to take away in that entry is that I mentioned "fear of intimacy" because of the pressure of messing up. Which at the time, it got to the better of me, it made me feel stressed for my mind to think of the concept and only desired to just hang out with people peacefully.
 Crit Time (Aug 2018):
 I was being quite thankful of what I have, as The Phantom Thieves Server. However, I ended up coming to terms with the idea of being single for a while because I had noticed that many people are thankful for me as a friend, and a lot of people see me as a helpful individual, as a support. While I was not happy thinking that sort of conclusion, I wrote that to just get it out of my system.
 That particular thought will definitely show up at a later time. Keep that in mind.
 What it Means to Be A Critical Hit in 2019 (Feb 2019):
 A trademark I say a lot is "I just want people I care about to be happy, and I'll try my best about it, even at my own expense."
 And just like in the message, I have been warned that it's not the best idea to think like that. Self-care is very important as she mentioned. I've been told that I do deserve love regardless of what mistake I made and regardless when I'm doing a good job. Because I hold 'those same values'. 
 She was pointing the idea of unconditional love with myself. Which at the time, I've yet to grasp that concept. And for almost that entire year, I tried my best to wrap my mind around that message.
 The Fear of Failure by Critical Hit (Nov 2019):
 So at the time, I had my second server of my own that is a support group on Discord. And knowing that some of my regulars were struggling alongside myself. I decided to be brave and speak out about my experiences I've lived thus far.
 As the title states, I've explained that no matter what happens to you, as long as you're living today you have the opportunity to make a better tomorrow by making good decisions today. Other people shouldn't dictate if you are a failure or not with your personal journey in life. 
 The rather refreshing thing to note on that entry is: I finally said that 'I am able to finally find peace within myself'.
 It seems that my time spent with work in the real world did pay off. It definitely cost me a lot of my mental capacity, though.
 And from there, I genuinely thanked every single person online. 
Yes, I'll even thank you too right now for reading this.
 Things were really looking up. I eventually started VRChat on the Summer of 2019, and I got the Valve Index Kit on Launch around September 2019. So I was eager to start talking to people randomly, those were really great times, or so it felt that way.
 [P2] The Monologue and the Precursor
 Imagine a major time skip happening here. About three years later, I've ended up moving out with a roommate, I've had my daily social interaction be with VRChat after work, and life was good. I got to meet a lot of people, and those same people ended up coming and going throughout the years.
 However, the effects of seeing a ton of people in instances like Midnight Rooftop and Black Cat lobbies had its toll as I come across more undesirable individuals than good ones.
 But also, a major event had happened to me as well. Around May 10, 2022, I've acquired a significant other and it was by complete surprise as well... Because it happened like any other day after catching up with them in a private instance and I basically rambled with the thoughts I had in "A Nomad in a Wasteland With Troubled Thoughts (June 2022)".
 In that entry, it's basically a rant about how society or people can be very toxic to the idea of only being interested in other people if they have a chance of dating someone, and basically ignore everyone else. And just witnessing enough toxic people in general. Despite all that happened, I still did my best to help people that were worth my time.
 She heard me vent about this, and told me that portions of her life were not going as well. 
 "That's good that you help others out, everyone deserves help when they need it. Especially you."
 The words "Especially You" echoed in my mind. I was blushing a lot. I asked while stuttering if she said she liked me.
 "Like you? Dare I say, I actually love you."
 I squealed like a fangirl at that point and ended up melting, with my cheeks extremely red. It took me a while to even speak words but to be treated this way felt incredible. To have casual conversations over the course of a few months to eventually be told this, it came out of left field. It was the biggest highlight of 2022 for sure.
 [P3] *Redacted
 Because of this important life changing event of acquiring a partner, I ended up writing most of my entries moving forward specifically to her only. They were heavily filled with lots of cute stuff, I'll say that much. And praising her a lot for how much effort she's been working on her various projects. As well as various plans here and there. 
 [P4] Entropic Arc
 Eventually, that relationship ended. It ended in great terms, we're still amazing friends to this day and we still see each other from time to time. I still admire her a lot for making life work for her. And at the end of the day, I realize that while people can fall out of love, the memories and experiences don't ever fade away. So I walked away smiling the day after, thanking her personally for giving me a shot. That I'll be stepping away for a period of time to see myself.
 The End of a Saga (In Detail) (Aug 2022): 
 So, I wrote "The End of a Saga (In Detail) (Aug 2022)" as an announcement to officially state that I will be taking a break from socializing in a major capacity...
 I was very crushed that I had a lot of issues mentally within myself to sort out. That when the "Love" was the band aid that held it... It was gone, so I was awaken that well all the previous entries I've written in 2018 and 2019 did come back to haunt me again... 
 The thing was, I never really got to come to terms with ANY of the fears I had. The fear of intimacy, the fear of failure (aka letting people down), the fear of not being able to overcome this sadness. So it ended up overwhelming me and it made me feel like I just wanted to stop existing in that moment in time. I didn't want to use Discord anymore and the only thing I had in mind that would let me continue living on is to wander as a stranger again in VRChat. 
 Around that time, I ended up drifting and living the nomad life. But I was fatigued by The Black Cat and Midnight Rooftop, so I ended up living in the Genshin lobbies because the bright colors at least gave me the idea of warming things up. 
 I honestly wanted a new beginning again and a new adventure to look forward to...
 The Road to Finding Peace Within Myself (Sep 2022):
 At this point, I've written some quotes that I've heard from other people or notes I've said about myself and reviewed them all. There were some quotes that were good, and some that were bad that I need to work on them. 
 The Good: I am proud that I never stop the habit of socializing with random people, even if it does hurt if when you talk to them and seem to have a good conversation, when it is time to go, they don't follow up with seeing you again. Because being able to talk to people about things you're interested in is a very fulfilling task to achieve. 
 To Be Continued: "Meaning of Life" and "People come and go in your life" came across my mind. This particular thought was in its early stage, but this will come back later. I did not have an answer with my mind to even acknowledge it, the idea felt foreign and odd to me, so it was left alone and I never got to look further into it...
 The Bad: Working a lot of hours tend feel like it dictated more of my mood. I spend less time hanging out with people and it is one less opportunity that is taken. I even stated it was confirmed that it was the root cause of my issue. But here's the unfortunate part: You need to work to live. So, even with as much PTO as I want to use, having two weeks is not nearly enough to come to terms with how I felt at the time. It was left unresolved...
 When I was offered solutions to strangers and friends alike, such as taking breaks or the like, I had no alternative or other activity that I desired or enjoyed at the time except to keep meeting new people. So I stuck with that. A long time friend of mine, Nanachi said this:
 “Oh come on this again? Listen, you know damn well I and more are and will always as can be reasonable be there for you. Now stop the sad boi hours and cheer up ya big lovable nerd. We, and you know I, definitely care about you. What’s to save? You’re great to be around as is. You just lack confidence but that’s okay sometimes. We can’t always be pillars. Sometimes we need some TLC too. Friends will always come and go, but what is important is what stays with you in your heart, to ignore what’s positive and permanent is to make yourself miserable. It’s okay, just don’t let it eat you whole, nerdo.” 
 And from there, I kinda put my head back up. 
 The Time Dilatation Effect (Oct 12, 2022): 
 Another month goes by, and slowly I was able to make new friends in VRChat and a couple of regulars been hanging out with me at this point. 
 However, my mind was making quite the noise and noticed that when people start performing couple like activities... That's when my mind started drifting away. It recalled the events around post-college when I had dated someone who I grew up with online, but turned out that they only wanted me to have a much deeper voice to sound like their previous partner... Who is married with kids.
 And honestly, for the most part. Most of that entry was going on in my mind and I described those feelings to the best of my ability. But it almost feels like seeing a time lapse of what happens in life when you come across a bad ending, and the time lapse continues after that bad ending.
 It was quite a terrifying experience to witness... But I needed to write that entry so I can put those thoughts to rest and continue moving on with the month. However, I mainly just written how I felt down and did not get into resolving why I thought the way I did. However, I did feel relieved getting those thoughts out of my head. 
 So things picked back up and I was still feeling relatively okay until-
 The Ultimate Sacrifice (Oct 24, 2022):
 Oh no...
 The fears I've listed prior in an earlier entry back in 2018 such as "Meaning of Life" and "People Coming and Going in Life" come back in full force. As they have snowballed and I've specifically listed bullet points on these fears. Good job, past me for making this easy.
 Here are these fears:
 - The fear of never being back to the way that I used to be (with the whole laughing being a guy that jokes around).
- The fear of never being enough for anyone.
- The fear of reaching out to people in general on anything more than a simple conversation.
- The fear of letting people down.
- The fear of being left behind, forgotten or not remembered.
- The fear of the course of life going through at an accelerated rate.
 While a couple of these were already mentioned in the earlier entries like the "Letting People Down" aspect, and I eventually got over all these points mentioned above... I was still extremely afraid at the time and upon writing this entry, they didn't get resolved until the end of the year.
 Then these were the particular fears that really hurt:
 - I was not able to have the ability to love anyone romantically anymore. As in, it either went to a coma (with it waking up on the rare occasions), or it sometimes feel like it completely died off.
- My capacity to be intimate became limited.
 My past self felt extremely defeated about the fears that really hurt, that I did not know what else to do but to cry about it. I did not want to become a statistic where the only thing I will rely on is a partner. Because that's not fair to the other person. I know there are people who are more than fine (and for the most part, more than capable emotionally and mentally) to perform that task. Very well, but I still believe in having both people in the relationship starting off with their best foot forward is an ideal and respectful way to do things in my opinion. I never want to give myself not at my best to anyone that cares about me... I care about other people too much for me to offer myself as a partner when I'm not at my best.
 It also seems my past self when writing this with those really strong fears that hurt, it is because the me in the past knew that it would potentially carry on for the rest of my life, and during that time and a bit after that, it was absolutely correct in knowing so. It seems when my mind and body both fear for something very strongly, odds are I need to take notes and find ways to come to terms with it. 
 What is unfortunate though is, I have no way of figuring that out. Google did not even save me. It really seemed like one of those situations I need to live life longer and find out for myself.
 And I took it as such. Around that same time, a long time friend IRL I was acquainted with tried to message me back and understand what I've been through. Despite him being a roommate at one point with plenty of opportunity to have a sit down and talk about it, it got pushed to the side. That opportunity was blown when he first saw me down around 2018, and told me the reason why I was sad is that I needed a girlfriend.... Because it works for him when he is sad....
 ......
 Then around Oct 2022 after reading my PasteBin, he was concerned and was emulating my style of empathy. Alright, I'll give him that... However, he told me that the issue is because it's Discord and VRChat's fault because he had personal issues trying to date someone on a Discord Dating server and it didn't work out well for him?
 ......!
 He was basically banned from my personal life after that was said and done. I am not having this anymore... 5 1/2 years down the drain. Between my own troubling thoughts that after that entry spiraled out of control, and dealing with an inconsiderate person... 
 Yeah, it was not good at all... I decided to not write about anything anymore and focused on just sorting out my thoughts with my mind, and hang out with people on days that I could online.
 The Nomad's Guide to the Digital World (Nov 6, 2022):
 After spending that time, I felt like I was able to function and stand up pretty decent. So I decided to write more about how I operate in a public space online. 
 As a Nomad or a Drifter, I basically just try out random lobbies on a daily basis. Most days I only do that, but very occasionally I check up on a friend or two if they're joinable. Check the general area of the room and depending on what I see, I'll either switch instances, stick around and observe, or start talking in it.
 But as mentioned in my usual adventures on VRChat in the "A Nomad in a Wasteland With Troubled Thoughts" entry, it's still the same quality of people in those instances. The quality is still not good. But at the time, I slowly started meeting more new regulars in Diluc's Tavern that eventually noticed me drifting alone, stopped me, approached me and became friends with. Some became very close to me. And the feeling felt nice to be known that some people actually go out of their way to greet me when they see me around. I felt like I belonged somewhere, so I made Diluc's Tavern my second home I crash by on a daily basis. Though lately it's been more of a weekly occurrence, this lobby was helpful throughout the Fall 2022 season. 
 The other interesting thing about this entry is that I mentioned a downfall section, and downplaying myself as hanging out with me shouldn't be a big deal. As I've thought about myself more in the downfall section, the romantic discussion happened again, stating I was more gray-romantic than anything else. I've experienced romance a couple times and they did feel great when it happens, but I rarely get those feelings. 
 But it's the fact that I mentioned that a couple times across the span of each entry meant one thing to me in the present: I felt alienated or bothered that I couldn't reciprocate the ability to love as easily as I would lately. I'm aware this point is going to come back again in future entries.
 I will say, good job me of the past for hanging in there and continuing to talk to people. Because it definitely helps me out to this day. But I also ended up working a lot of hours later on...
 At this point, because I figured the holidays was coming around the corner, I took month off for journaling and decided to focus on hanging out with people more. I made it a focus until after New Years' to put off thinking about all my fears. And instead enjoy my time hanging out with all kinds of people.  
 I'm glad I did, because it definitely paid off.
 [P5] Grand Sky Arc
 Dawn of a Stoic, Holistic, Intimate, Empathetic Hero (Dec 6, 2022)
 It paid off to give myself a grace period to push all my negative thoughts away because I was very excited to start hanging out with people again. I've rekindled some of the friends I've met previously, hanging out with some of them more often. I've met even more new people, it almost feels like I am on Cloud Nine.
 I definitely was, because I started out writing my entry by thanking people for being there for me. While I had my concerns that a lot of people are set in their ways to want low quality people or only be with people for ulterior motives...
 I went as far to thank my Discord Server, The Phantom Thieves, and my second server Press F1 for Cuddles, for shaping me to be the person that I am.
 I was in a state of consistent gratitude, I could not thank myself enough for living today. While yes it is nerve wrecking to know that a lot of people don't want to just sit down and talk casually anymore, they just want what's quick, easy, fun and move on to the next. I couldn't do that...
 There were several pillars of people that have consistently joined on me and rose me to become my best version of myself throughout that month. I even tried to be funny. And I know that if I try to make a lot of jokes, that's a good sign that I'm in a good mood.
 I ended the entry by saying a cheesy Shounen Jump like quote.
 "I really appreciate my life now. It’s time I’ll live it, and start making an even bigger impact. 
 It starts right here, right now, and I want you reading this right now to continue being a part of my life."
 And so I did, which carried me all the way past New Years' of 2023... 
 Until the grace period for having my mind take a mental break was over, I've had dated another person that I ended with over the span of knowing them for a couple months, and went out with them for a month. I fell out of love around that time and ended it there. I wished them the best and moved on, I haven't heard from them since, but they have a wonderful friend group that's taking good care of them. And it's all I ever desired. 
 With that being said, it leads into the next entry...
 Love Is A Physiological Motivator, Not An Emotion Nor Object (Jan 22, 2023):
 Now, I had a great New Years Eve' and saw a lot of people that I cared about. And it felt wonderful.
 As I've had reverted to those aromantic tendencies again, since it's been re-occurring quite often, I figured that it is time to look up the meaning of love and what people do with it. 
 I actually recommend reading this particular entry to its' fullest if you're interested in being scientific with love: https://pastebin.com/0tdqg0Jb
 But naturally, if not, I can break down some key points to what I wrote.
 I've determined that love is one of those intricate feelings that happens in the moment. It does not follow any logic. It is a reaction in response to being next to the person you care about or hearing something really sweet or meaningful you hear from the person you like.
 Because of the nature love is and it being a condition to form a romantic relationship, forming that relationship is a contract of sorts to guarantee that you'll spend more time with said individual and allow yourself to be in your most vulnerable state in exchange of a promise that they're the most important person in their lives. It matches up based on my personal experience with it.
 But within a romantic relationship, it means different things to the couple in question (or for the poly out there, a group).
 I've thrown my own two cents on romance in itself and I basically said: Just treat everyone with common decency and treat the people you really desire to be with well, respecting their boundaries and time. And if both people reciprocate those feelings and can talk things through, that determines pretty good relationships right there. But if both partners are on the same page with what they want out of the romantic relationship, it works out the best.
 Most importantly, I've warned about how love can be as addicting as tobacco and to not let a romantic relationship fix everything. But it is also just as important to try and pursue it once if you have not already... As long as you're given a good chance at it with no red flags with that individual, I basically said, doesn't hurt to try in those cases. But I do not blame people who are afraid to do so.
 Being Near and Dear (Feb 2, 2023):
 I had a very important call with a good friend of mine, and she asked me a very important question to me.
 "Why do you help other people?"
 While I was stunned to answer, I had a lot of flashbacks to every individual I'd helped in the last several years and ended up tearing up a bit. 
 My thoughts have said:
 “… I just want other people to be happy, because for the longest time, I wasn’t happy. I really wished that I had this help from myself from the me of Today, and had that version of myself talk to me of the past. I wasted almost a whole decade of misery just to get to where I was…”
 What I ended up doing:
 When I spoke out with my voice, the only thing that I could say was, “I help people because I want to give people great memories, so that I can live forever… You only truly die if you’re forgotten…”. My eyes were leaking with tears before they eventually turn into a waterfall.
 In the meanwhile, I stopped by to talk to another wise friend some days later, to which I will reference and quote:
 What ended up concerning me the most is that because I ran out of this love emotion or state, does that mean I’m done being close to people? Does that mean I’m wasting people’s time if they like me? Because we do live in a world now that any form of intimacy is appreciated and will cling onto even a fraction of that. 
 My friend replied to me with, “You know, just because you lack something doesn’t mean that it isn’t a problem. It’s the fact that despite how much you struggle, you still keep moving forward. And people are attracted to that. Even if you are not feeling at your best and that your heart is not there anymore. You still choose to do what you do and I’ve witnessed you in these public lobbies that you still answer or hear other people’s feelings and issues they have, and you still do it with no hesitation.”
 “Because in a way (with your actions)… You’re creating your own heart. Even if you don’t feel like you have one…” 
 Hearing that last phrase made me think for a while, and I’ll admit… That I haven’t even thought of it that way. It was rather refreshing to hear such a unique perspective. While it did not resolve the current concern that I have, it does explain a lot about my character. And it felt nice to hear those words being exchanged to me. /end quote
 And I've had that thought in my mind for a while now, creating your own heart. 
 That is truly a fascinating concept, but at that point in the journal, I was still at a loss how to proceed with that information. Yet, I can't help but feel that it is very important... But because I continued to be stumped for the rest of the month over that concept, I ended up paying a price...
 All While Being Far and Discarded In Thoughts (Mar 8, 2023)
 ... Sigh... Yeah, March 2023. It's that time. That's been my worst month.
 The progress on working on myself had been regressed. I was slipping behind, then I eventually fell with my mental state. It seems that I've asked more questions than I've resolved them within myself with the mix of me not talking to them as often, and when I do it usually gets brushed off. All the fears I've stated earlier in "The Ultimate Sacrifice" ended up coming back in full force, all of them.
 Not much to comment on that, but it's painful and it is only the beginning of the sad stuff I've done. 
 That Ends With the Mind Becoming The Labyrinth That Nobody Finished (Mar 16, 2023)
 It got even worse... I kept having manic depressive episodes and end up crying in a corner in a public lobby somewhere on some days... I even started ended up setting my status to "Do Not Disturb" on VRChat and tried my best to sort out these feelings myself. I've told people to stay away from me because I did not want to unleash my irrational behavior onto other people. 
 I quarantined myself. 
 Right now, my main focus was storming the weather and bracing for impact what my mind was about to give me.
 [P6] Mind Labyrinth
 DESPAIR (Mar 17, 2023)
 This is around the time where I ended up vividly going through those terrible thoughts about the Meaning of Life and the concept of people entering and leaving your life in full force. The most I've ever experienced.
 I really did not enjoy this and it actually plagued my mind this entire time... 
 Almost as this part of the entry is basically robbing me of myself, deeper voice, loss of color on my entire skin, and the only thing I could say was responses that an AI Chat Bot would say...
 Over time, I ended up turning my status to Red and writing really depressing statuses on it.
 UNDESERVING (Mar 18, 2023)
 Because I continued to feel miserable, I ended up starting to believe that I did not deserve to continue progessing with life until I resolved this issue. As the meaning of life and  the concept of people coming and going were plaguing my mind.
 Now, something that ended up huring a lot is when a good friend of mine saw me by myself in a corner as I was attempting to calm myself down from crying. Asked me, "Do you know why I fell out of love with you?". "I prefer not to know because I'm going through a lot right now but...". 
 "It's because you're holding yourself back so I gave up on you."
 “Everyone is fine Crit, you are holding yourself back.”
 Ah, straight to the point... In all other instances, I'd take it. Not today. It was really not the right time to bring that up. Of course I've been going through what I've been through for a long time... At that point, I really felt misunderstood, or perhaps the time limit is over and they want to move on to other things... Which I understand, but it's honestly frustrating to hear this at the wrong time.
 So at the end of the day, I understand from their point of view why it was said, but I heavily disagree about saying that sort of stuff to someone while they're down. I'll wish them the best, I'll even root for them, because to their credit, they've worked to their best on their life turning a really terrible situation to a really great situation. They also tried to comfort me and say they'll do their best to be a good friend to me and be there as much as they can... I really appreciate that part... But I am not going to appreciate them for saying that at a time when I'm clearly struggling so... I'm a bit at a loss on that front. I knew at the time those words were said, and they left later, I ended up crying a lot and yelled in pain for about half an hour after that... I prefer them to enjoy their honeymoon phase and be with their friends, but I will not stop them from reaching out to me. 
 But after being said those words, it almost made me feel like I'm a bit misunderstood, but more so that the time limit of me being this sad exceeded the wait time to get closer to me, so they moved on. Which at the end of the day? I can respect that because they're doing what's best for them. I've told them specficially that as well. But I honestly don't know how else to feel with future interactions moving forward, I just really wish I didn't have that particular conversation while I was down, that's all...
 DEFRAGMENTATION (Mar 20, 2023)
 If things couldn't get any worse... 
 It actually didn't get any worse. 
 Last night before this entry was made, I stumbled upon a person in Diluc's Tavern who was a stranger saw me crying and sat me down. I told them what I've been through up until this point, and she had a lot of re-assuring words to say. While she said a lot of advice that I give to other people, it was nice advice to hear for myself that I already knew. Even though she was drunk, she was inspirational and told me the fact that I'm alive to this day means I'm doing a really good job and to keep it up, never give up...
 And I felt inspired. 
 A breakthrough happened. I had a flashback where I realized how long I've been sad for, and I was really frustrated with myself. So I ended up raging about it through journaling about it and decide that enough's enough. So I ended up going outside and go on walks about 5 days a week.
 I took a break for writing that prompt for most of the day, and ended up finishing it in a separate part. That somehow the cold fresh air calmed me down and I felt more in-tune with myself. I said another cheesy line again... Oh let's read this out loud...
 "For my heart will forever more be in a state of... Defragmentation. And soon enough, I'll fully stand up, be able to relax, and get back to enjoy the simple pleasantries they call company. It seems my true potential is just being around company. Always around, but never too close or too far. I'll give this heart of mine and turn it into a kingdom where people can finally be at ease, and be happy with each other."
 Alright you know, myself... That's a pretty cool thing you've said. 
 I'll take it. It even inspired me to just get back to living life for the most part...
 But that is without its caveats, I still have yet to resolve all of what my mind dishes out to me...
 [P7] Coming To Terms With Myself And What I'll Be Doing Moving Forward
 Alright, finally this is the time where I can finally get back to the usual rhythm of typing stuff and using my mind to speak for itself...
 So, it is clear that I have not settled ground rules for my mind to stop doing the bad things it does. And now that I've dealt with some of these repeat thoughts, I'm going to write them down clearly and make it known that I'll have to come to terms with the following (and some are a huge thank you to the friends I've known for years):
 - Life is what you make it to be.
 Alright, then I'm going to make life be back to enjoying the good times and hanging out with all kinds of people. I want that adventure back. I want to continue looking for interesting individuals that will further push my mind. That is all I really desire at the moment. Long as I have a stable source of income, I feel like I can do this full time.
 - Only you can determine when you're really ready to take that next step.
 While I understand this with all other concepts, I'll now apply this to relationships and stick my course. And not feel pressured to get into anything too sudden, or to do so in general if I have a feeling I'm not ready yet in any context. I will work on not feeling as bad or as guilty for not doing so, because at the end of the day, I'm doing what's right for me.
 - There are some difficult truths to take in and I need to let them go.
 The "Meaning of Life", "People Coming and Going" will still be the two most difficult things to take in, considering I meet a lot of people. But, to be fair, other people moved on without me, and I moved on from other people without even batting an eye... So I'll be alright now knowing this.
 - I still have fundamental flaws I have to work on... But it's okay that I'm not a perfect person and I'm not going to let that be a reason to restrict me from interacting with other people.
 I'm basically saying I'm not going to beat myself up for something that exists within me, such as being aro-demi with taking a long time for my heart to love again. But I'm starting to believe it's less of a flaw and more of that's just who I am. Yet, I want to list that as it is important to have that established. I may have the fear of intimacy still lingering arond from time to time when those pecuilar moments happen, but I will keep a clear mindset and just say it's part of the process. And that if I'm not ready, I'll just speak up and say no. 
 - It is okay to take extra time to hang out with people you're interested in, and actually start joining them more often. 
 Yes, I'll do that starting tonight. I'll naturally have my phase where I still like to be in a crowded lobby and chill in that. That's perfectly fine. 
 - Allow myself to be more vulnerable. 
 In particular, letting my heart go and allow it to be free again... While it is scary, I see no more reason to delay any further. Now, within reason, I need actually interact and talk to people first before it warms up to the idea. With that being said, I always need to be mindful of boundaries. 
 I know that by letting my heart grow to its' fullest potential, it will get back to becoming the silly, naieve, goofy Crit that a lot of people know and enjoy. And that's fine, I rather let people like being around me because of who I am as a person. 
 - Keep and maintain my ideal values.
 That is simply, to help others who are stuck in a bad mental state and other problems that I can resolve. Continue to interact with people, and expect nothing back in return for I will always drift around from instance to instance, to look forward to more awesome discoveries. 
 - Utilize my personal group more in case I don't feel as well.
 Simple as that. Consider it done. 
 - Do my best to set dedicated time to joining on other people or certain individuals at least once a week.
 We shall see about that. No promises on this one. 
 - Do my best to set times and ask to hang out with other people
 We shall see about that one. I can at least fulfill this as long as I'm interested in getting to know the person more. 
 - Move my mindset back to simplifying the difference between work and play
 This is more so to prevent the events of March to happen again and to not let work impede my mindset. 
 - Find and distinguish a group of people that enable the ability to have deep and meaningful conversations.
 This is more so to prevent the events of March to happen again... I realized I barely had anyone to talk to about these sort of conversations. But I do know an Admin that can do so, and I know another Admin who would love to catch up with me. Both on my Discord server. I shall use my older contacts on Discord to mainly achieve this. But in the future, I'd love to consistently keep in touch with those intellectuals on VRChat. 
 - Make a clear status if I need help, I'll make myself open for communication.
 My friends have given me an overwhelming amount of support, and after speaking what I have to say, I no longer have the need to hide anymore.
 Moving forward, I will write my statuses as such.
 - During social interaction, keep it simple and focus on enjoying the moment. If anything more grows out of it, then just go for it.
 Simple enough, I do enjoy a good conversation or two.
 - Expand and rotate areas where I meet new people
 Yes. Though I'll tread carefully and let my mood dictate that. Don't want to experience burn-out now. 
 If I feel like I'm at my limit with busy public lobbies, I'll downgrade to slower public lobbies or lobbies I'm a regular in and make an instance with me in them. If I feel like I'm at my limit with public lobbies in general, I'll just make it Friend+ with a video player, consume content and try again later. 
 - The most important part for myself: Focus on the present and live in the present in terms of who is physically there for you right now.
 Of course, you got it. 
 There we go, I've layed down enough ground rules on myself and I'm going to have to uphold them. 
 With that being said, I'll be taking a break from journaling until something major happens or sufficient time has passed, at least a month or so in the usual Crit tradition.
 I'm kinda pumped up to face life again with a positive mind and feeling like I'm my cheerful self again. 
 I'm going to hop on tonight and say hey to everyone.