Pasted

BGM: https://youtu.be/65m3_RSZNQI?si=Lu9gGVCSviZ1_cPg
 It seems regardless of the choices we make, it always requires some sort of cost. The constant variable in most instances are that it will take time and effort. Sometimes monetary. Sometimes using your body. Even your sanity. 
 In this world, we were told when we were younger that the world is your oyster as long as you desire dreaming.
 But soon enough, that all turns into lies when your own family (or legal guardians) dictate that not all hobbies or careers are worth doing, and only do the ones that make a guaranteed amount of income. People you confided in with for a while eventually show their true colors and turn out they have used you for their own gain without  even intending to treat you well.
 I used to think that as long as I did what I always felt was right, that people will stick around. But it turns out that’s not necessarily the case. The main thing people need a fondness or closeness too is that communication of talking about various things while enjoying that persons’ presence. If it felt natural to have a deep conversation with them, then people will enact or listen to it. 
 But sometimes, people are not what they say they are, and will eventually choose to disappear. The main reason why people decide to disappear to the point they no longer show up is clear to me: Either they didn’t see the value to keep in touch with you (whether it is from removing you or do not desire to keep in touch), the closeness they feel is no longer the same and prefer to re-adjust the relationship to being platonic/acquaintances, or they are at the limit of how many people they keep in touch with so they downsize the amount of people they contact to just close friends and loved ones. 
 Which, that is a fair thing to do, I highly recommend people to do the same.
 Even… Even if it’s me that people no longer desire to have around.
 I’ve heard what the opposition say about me. That I’m a liability, that “I hold myself back”, the “Wow you seem sad just hanging out there by yourself. Normally you hang out in these instances with friends.”, or the “I almost feel bad for you, I came to you for comfort. I feel much better now and I want to show you my partner.”
 The latter half with some of these statements, it almost feels targeted but I digress. Because I realize they’re just words and that’s how people see it. I can’t really blame them, but deep down on the inside, for me trying everyday to socialize and hang out with other people… It can hurt a bit. I won’t lie. But at the same time, they are the same words that able me to get up and move forward. But because of these events happening consistently on repeat, at the end of the day my heart grows numb to the point that it barely ever has the capacity to like anything, anymore. 
 No matter what happens to me, the only thing I have left is that I continue to move forward.
 I move forward and go on the rail like a train conductor navigating the train. The only direction I can see is forward. 
 People that I’ve met can board anytime, and can leave at any time. People have their pre-determined destinations to go to. I only move forward assuming that I’ll be the only one left. People are already programmed within themselves that they have certain activities they need to go to. They need to work. They need to spend time with people they feel close to. They need to spend time on themselves. I enjoy the idea that people talk about what they would like to do with their lives, what kind of adventures they have, and sharing various ideas and philosophies. 
 I have had a fair share of people that offer the hand and say, “If you would like to talk more or need someone to reach out, I’m here.” And it is the most tender thing to say.
 However, it’s also on me that I have not taken up that offer for most people. 
 Why is that?… 
 Because the remaining issue that ales me, is really only someone that can love another can fulfill. And I’ve already told some of you this, therefore if you don’t hear back from me, the likely answer I have to say to you is, “It’s the same thing I vented about the last time.”
 I’m never a fan of repeating myself if the issue is on-going and it’s the exact same thing I vent about. 
 So alright, how can we mitigate these feelings one asks? Well, by being the best ally you can be for others. It does give me joy after all to be able to provide some sort of input. 
 Though as of late, there is a negative to this aspect I did not seem to realize.
 Let’s say in an ideal world where everyones’ issues were mostly resolved and under control. That would mean that I have nothing else to tend to or help out on.
 … And at the end of the day, my self-worth diminishes because there is no longer something I can do. 
 People have others they really enjoy talking to.
People have others they really want to spend certain activities with.
People will carry on and live out their lives with something to look home or look forward to.
 I have none of that.
 Every single day that I am on, I get on and wander aimlessly online. The wheel always spins on who or what show up exactly. But as soon as my mind crashes down on me, it overwhelms me. It leaves me stunned and speechless to the point that leaves me almost powerless. I only have enough energy to constantly face against myself. 
 When I have those flashbacks about how people show their gratitude, it warms me up. But when things are dark… At the end of those flashbacks, I always see people turn their back and walk forward with their own lives. It is very bittersweet because yes, you’ve aided them in being their company. But they got to live their own lives too, and I’m proud of them for it… 
 I’ll never really tell them that I feel sad that they’re leaving. I instead wish them the absolute best and hope that a part of me always lives inside of them so they never forget the good times. 
 If I am able to help them, and they’re able to move on from me casually to the point that it didn’t even hurt. Then, I feel like I did my job as a Conductor of this Train. 
 People just need to get from Point A to Point B. 
 I’m providing a service for people to basically go through the motions with life, and I’m more than fine that I’m not even the focus.
 As a matter of fact, it’s easier for them to depart without feeling attached to me. I think the most cruel thing I can do to anyone is for people to choose to grow any sort of fondness or attachment when I have no heart to give... When I am aware that my mind is very complex. That it constantly challenges everything around me. It’s clear, most people don’t give a damn about that. 
 Most people want validation and chasing those strong love feelings & call it a day. 
 You see, humans are goal orientated that as long as they have their ideal friend group with a loving relationship, and a job that keeps them afloat? That’s all most people really desire, and they will hold onto that as much as they can. 
 The unfortunate part is, it took me almost my entire life to figure all of this out.
 I’m honestly not sure what’s worse, not realizing all this, or realizing it now that I have all of this to work with…
 I’ve been told a lot of amazing things about myself, and I do appreciate it. But I also know that amount can’t compare to people they have a large fondness too, and naturally that is someone they love. It’s like always winning second place, but never first place in the Olympics. After a while, it can be frustrating to feel that way. To feel that you’re always the Option B. Sometimes C, and maybe “if I’m bored”, Option D. 
 It’s understandable… Not everyone has the time to keep in touch with others. I’ve stopped chasing people a while back, and as the Conductor, I need to continue moving forward in that same direction. 
 Because naturally, that’s how a train operates. I welcome you to stay as long as you like, but I’m aware you have things to do, places to see, people to care for. The beauty in transportation at the end of the day is that you can simply move on with no strings attached, no feelings to attach to.
 As long as you get to the place you need to go, I’m for it. 
 Sometimes, it just happens you need to leave certain people behind for the sake of pursuing what you really want in your life.
 The teachers that taught you during school.
The professors during college.
The childhood friends you’ve made along the way.
The people who want to venture internationally while you stay at home, or even the reverse can happen.
The people who you thought you could look up to.
The people you used to love romantically before.
The people who are no longer amongst the living.
It could be people in person, or it could even be especially be the people on a screen over the internet.
 I’ll be more than willing to be left behind, if that’s what it takes to get you to the finish line and achieve what you really wanted with your life.
I’ll be more than willing to be left behind, if you need a change of pace and want to live a quiet life with only a couple of people.
I’ll be more than willing to be left behind, if things don’t work out the way you expected it to.
I’ll be more than willing to be left behind, even if you give no reason at all.
 I’ll be more than willing to be left behind… Because as you know, time is a limited resource, and I respect your decision to pursue other things.
 All for the pursuit of having that right to choose the way you live your life.
 It is your life, your story, you should put yourself first and foremost.
 Me on the other hand? I’ve been supporting you this entire time. Notice that I listen to most of your conversations? That I often offer that company, that you’re able to see me just about whenever?
 There’s no sense of urgency to see me. I’ve been your Conductor to guiding you through life. I’ll give you the options you need if you’re ever stuck with something. 
 The smile you all create when you finally reach the happy ending you’ve been striving for? Never forget that feeling.
 You… You are deserving of all the victories you make. The path you take in life. The people you surround yourself with. 
 That in itself, is the meaning of life. To be able to have the ability to choose what you want.
 I’ll be rooting for all my patrons who decide to be near me.
 What is it that I choose to do? I choose to see my life to the end and constantly put myself out to the great unknown. 
 I’ll choose to wake up alone.
I’ll choose to sleep alone.
I’ll choose to move forward and examine every individual near me.
I’ll choose to surround myself with strangers everyday.
 Do you know why I surround myself with strangers everyday? Because they are the best people to listen to their stories, and that is also when their biases tend to be neutral. So you can receive the honest opinion of such. The natural high of seeing someone new and getting to know someone is truly an exciting time. The only down side really is that there’s no continuation with most people, so there will be some elements of each discussion being on repeat.
 I always enjoy extending the hand or offer the first time I meet someone that piques my interest. They’re welcome to come aboard with me for the ride. That is also alongside my various services I assist with, and the knowledge of what I know. All one needs to do is simply ask for it.
 What becomes most surprising in my entire lifetime, are the people that decide to come back and see me again of their own accord, despite me only going in one direction and not stopping for anything in particular.
 It is clear to me that my only role left to play is being the Conductor that assists you with the destination. Because everything else inside of me right now? It’s empty, it’s dried up like a husk, devoid of life. But I’ll still let out a laugh and just give you a conversation anymore.
 From my perspective, it’s always about entertaining the guests to the fullest extent.
It doesn’t make any sense to give attention to my inner self, which there’s nothing left in me.
Any number times zero is zero in multiplication. That is the amount I have left internally.
 The problems I’ve faced in my entire lifetime? I just deal with it by myself, because historically speaking that’s all I had for most of my life. But by struggling with these issues I’ve faced previously and in the present, that in turn becomes knowledge for other people to benefit themselves. I understand the concept of banding together to solve issues, but my journey within myself is a selfish one because it only focuses on me. The ‘Selfish’ trait is not usually associate with a positive character trait. I do not wish to put the burden of my journey on other people who do not consent. 
 However… I will let you interpret that as you will, and let you decide how you see me as on the outside.
 Don’t forget to keep your head up now, for as long as you step outside my station, you can go anywhere you wish to go, do what you like. The power of choice and living your life is the best thing for everyone. That way, everyone wins. 
 When you aboard with me, well, it’ll not be an easy one if you see me enough times. I have my fair share of flaws. I have times where I get completely shut down at the thought of all the things I’ve thought about here on this entry. The unfortunate part is most of the thoughts I go through are all logical and make a lot of sense… But it’s also because it makes sense that everything is limited, can make life depressing, but at the same time with the unique chances and people to meet, it can be empowering. 
 I will leave it up to you if you want to continue interacting me in any way, but I will have rough times with my own mind. 
 I personally suggest if you want something light hearted, simple, happy-go-lucky, laugh and have a drink, and have just a casual hangout without thinking too much about philosophy or other deep thoughts? You’re welcome to look elsewhere, and I’ll respect your decision for it. In that case, I wish you a good life, live the best one that you can… As for everyone else? You can close out of this now, I’m done.
                                                                                                                                                                  Huh, so you’ve decided to stick around a bit longer? 
 No… You’re serious about investing your time into me? Alright then. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 
 The next time we meet then… Tell me somewhere along the lines of: “I want to know you TRUE self, Critical. Do not hold back anything to me, anymore.”