Pasted

Previous Parts:
 The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7
The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR
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 First of all, I’ve had several new readers that I did not expect to be tuning into my Discord statuses and telling me that you’ve been reading my content. And I know there’s some of you out there that lurk and observe my every move. I just hope that what I write will be of some value to you whether for entertainment, or you just want to get to know me more. Anyhow, time to get into it.
 It’s been almost three weeks since the last time I’ve sat down and have written one of these entries. At this point, I’ve written these about once a month, and I feel that it’s as fitting as a time to write another update. In particular, I actually wanted to get this written down as I’ve discovered another rough moment I went through that needs to be documented.
 Last night, I was hanging out in a virtual lobby that only friends have access to and it was a casual conversation at first between the four of us. However, the topics regarding relationships happened that was basically a summary of a romantic relationship ending because both sides came in with unrealistic expectations. One partner wanted so much attention dedicated to themselves while the other wanted an equal amount of time with friends along with their partner. Both sides ended up going back and forth and instead of communicating with it clearly, it ended up both sides disagreeing with each other with one being extremely jealous, with the other one being carefree. Eventually, it spiraled between the other two people discussing the other failed relationships that failed in a similar manner.
 I opted out of discussing mainly because… I could not relate. I made sure that anyone that got close to me is fully taken care of, that I would always be thankful of the times they spent with me. In my entire lifetime, I only had amazing experiences where each partner at the time taught me to open myself up more and continue to bring smiles to everyone I come across. The only bad romantic relationship I had was really one instance of being used over a Final Fantasy 14 Cosmetic premium piece that can be dyeable to chromatic colors, and ended up server transferring away with it, blocking me in the process. Which, that’s easy enough I just shrugged at it and let it be. And outside of that instance, had one that started strong over a childhood friend that came from a private Maplestory Server, OdinMS. In the first place, I didn’t even know that person was a female until several years later, but we played a ton of MMOs and played other online games on various Nintendo platforms. By the time I was out of college (dropped out, rather. College is costly.), a romantic relationship was formed later, only to realize later that she wanted her ex the entire time. I was chill with her ex, great guy actually. He’s just a decade ahead of us at the time, married with a family at that point… Which, eventually just ended altogether. But ended up getting an update a few months later from a friend of mine who also was friends with her, that and eventually went away on her own accord. That eventually spiraled me to feel like I did something wrong to the point I thought I was a bad person. Eventually, I was guided towards the right direction and was picked back up.
 Back at the present day with that virtual lobby with the ocean surrounding us… I’ve heard other topics pass through me such as having to soon spend their first holiday without their cat as they’re in heaven now. Which was a valuable pet that brought her quite the comfort. Then reminiscing what their families would usually do around the holiday season. 
 Eventually, my vision started being a bit grey and fades black. My body started feeling heavy and numb. My mind starting to drift away, feeling that a lot of the conversations they were having, I felt irrelevant. It is time I could never go back and re-experience. Soon enough, I was imagining everyone near me ended up moving forward with their lives at a much faster pace than I was. But the three people I ended up being with… They all proceeded to doing completely different things with their lives while I ended up laying there on my back, closing my eyes. Not wanting to go anywhere else right now but to relax in one spot. 
 Over the course of that experience… Many questions have spawned in my mind when I regained full consciousness. “Where did my passion for other people have gone?” “Why do I constantly not reach out to people as often as I do?” 
 But the biggest one of them all has hit me too hard.
 “Am I living as a shell of a former ideal version of myself that I once was?”
 If this theory became the truth, then in that case… All of my progress that I’ve done reaching out to people socially is practically the credit of me at my best or me putting up a strong front. And nothing less than that. It would basically mean that I feel even more out of place. Useless. I practically feel like a liability, and the last thing I ever want for people that care about me is to feel like they have to be a caretaker. I don’t want to rob anyone’s time away from their own lives. If anything, I’m tempted to put on a boundary and hold people back because… If I made you feel better, then odds are it was my adventurous, protagonist spirit that drew you in to me that truly lived a carefree mind, not being tied down to any of the confines of what the current world has brought to. Not the current me that I am now, this cold automated robot that can function well with tasks and come home and become lifeless. I’m nothing more than a husk. A wilted crop. I am nothing without other people. And needing other people in such a desperate manner… I don’t think it’s healthy at all to become co-dependent like that. I refuse to be that way…
 There were several days over the course of the previous weeks where I logged onto VRChat out of habit. I went on auto-pilot and just laid there, empty. But somehow, having good company brought me back to life. I understand that it is a need to have people to socialize with, but I had no idea how much I depended on it until now. Too much of something these days can quantify as an addiction. Too many drinks, too much ‘salads’ for example, and you end up not being able to function without it all while avoiding all important responsibilities is my definition of an addiction at least. In my case, is socializing with other people, experiencing cuddles and wanting more of everything social… Can it really be a bad thing? Most of you will interject and say, “Of course! It’s a human need!”. But unfortunately, the reality is time is finite for everyone. In a sense, you can’t put all your eggs in one basket and rely on one person to be constantly there for you. This is something I was forced to grow up with, whether I wanted to accept that fact or not, time will force its hand, and I will end up waking up the next day, surrounded by a batch of completely new faces. 
 In fact, the reality that time is finite, and whether good or bad, eventually people will become memories in your mind at one point… Instead of being physically there in front of you. I ended up having enough of those thoughts… As much as it bothered me, I ended up gazing at the ocean and started crying a lot. There was one astute friend that operates on their own and ended up being next to me, holding me. Their words echoed to me:
 “Eventually, there will be a time where it is their turn to go. But not to worry, they will live on in your memories. If you give them a great time, they will never forget you.”
 I still kept crying anyway. My body felt as if it was being light, yet flying at a rapid pace. Almost as if I could feel the passage of time as I saw my entire life in the course of a few minutes before slowing back down to the present day, where all I was doing is laying there, constantly clearing my eyes out. I was barely able to reply back to my friend because at the time, that phenomena was quite overwhelming.
 This moment really caught me off guard, and in my previous entry I definitely had a plan to feel better. However, more truths and more realizations materialized and surfaced in my mind.
 Just like that, I’m back to square zero. I don’t know what to do with this recent set of experiences I’ve immersed myself into. The best I can write to my name is that I’m a competent worker, and my inquisition of wanting a chill relaxing time with others is a thing. The only thing I can do is to just live, and keep trying. Just like I’ve done with my entire life.
 El. Psy. Kongroo.