Pasted

Meanwhile in the Deep Subspace of my conscious...
 It was quite peaceful. Sublime. Brighter than any sun. All the memories lined up are each interaction with everyone that ended up smiling or laughing with him with glee. Perhaps people telling him that he's really comfortable to be around. Even liked... There were so many screens showcasing all of that. I end up looking around for a while.
 // Wow... I really did all that.
 However, as another self of his comes by in a shade of a slightly dark silhouette, but still enough to make the details. As this figure approaches, all of the screens turn to static white noise, almost as if those moments of tender times have all washed away. One thing is for certain: He is quite displeased with me.
 "So it seems you know how to keep moving forward. But it seems that you are becoming an even bigger problem with yourself and other people again. Even more people have rushed to you and hear you be a miserable piece of shit."
 // Yeah, that's how I genuinely feel though. But I still want to keep moving forward because I just want anything at this point, white noise of a public area chatting in the background even...
 "That's exactly the problem. You're running yourself down to the ground yet again to the point that nobody wants to approach you anymore."
 // ...
 "This time, I have definitive proof you can't deny and I'm going to stop you from becoming more of a problem."
 The dark silhouette then starts pulling up several quotes.
 "For starters, what are people looking for in someone they desire to be closer with? 
 > Definitely someone who seems to have a good chip on their shoulder.
> I want someone who I can come home to at the end of the day and hold onto them.
> I want someone that is confident in themselves and is able to support and stand besides me.
> I need someone who will constantly tell me nice things, who will check up on me every now and then, just enough to make me feel wanted.
> I want someone who seems to have themselves sorted out and is emotionally available for me.
 "Guess what? You have NONE of those."
 // But... People have told me nice things.
 "Please, they're all saying that just to be nice. How many of those people who said all that you, ended up keeping in touch with you and let alone, respond back to you? NOBODY, NONE OF THEM, THEY ALL WENT AWAY!"
 // ... Well, that makes sense I can't argue against that. I thought people like having me around, they join on me.
 "Join on you? They all think you're a liability and are worried about you. So worried that people are afraid they would 'feel bad' for you and avoided you like the plague. That is what one of your closer friends have said to you, or so you think rather."
 // Ah...
 "Think about it, and I'll be blunt. If the role was reversed and you see a miserable, insufferable piece of shit person wallowing in their own situation. How long would you be there to support them if you are aware they may be like that for months at a time?"
 // ...
 "Exactly, people eventually give up on you. Can you even name one person who will actually be there for you at your worst? Please, I want you to think really hard on this one."
 // .........
 "Even those people you're thinking about who have written long paragraphs to you? Or the lady who checks up on you on occasion in those Hoyo worlds? Dead wrong. They want to move on. They want to be with their partners. They want to be with their friends who actually make them feel better. And not you... How about you stop wasting everyone's time and let them go? BECAUSE THEY ARE CLEARLY IN PAIN, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE!"
 // What do you mean let them go?... They already are doing their own thing. A few people even told me they will voluntarily give me some space and left me alone.
 "That means they gave up on you."
 // No... No... You take that back...
 "I disagree. Even if you ended up feeling relieved or better for their company, they will feel good knowing they can leave you alone so they can go do something or be with people more important than you. Nobody wants to be around negative people for the rest of their life. And good on them they are choosing to be with more positive people around than you. You are irrelevant now that you no longer provide any form of positivity for others."
 // Ah...
 "I find it entertaining that you've grown a heart. But that heart has become very touch starved, very needy to the point it desperately wants to be closer to people. But you need to know your place and your boundaries. The reality is... Nobody cares about you as much as you think you do. People have told you they don't want to be closer to you romantically, all the time. People have told you that they are not ready to be closer in general. People have dodged your questions. People have turned you down countless amount of times. What does that mean?"
 // Well, I'm taking their word for it that they all mean what they say. That's the entire point of trusting people right?
 "You could say that, but if people sense how much of a black hole you are sucking away people's energy. People are running away from you. They're just being nice about it and saying no."
 // No... No... That can't be...
 "BARELY ANYONE INITIATES TALKING TO YOU. YOU'VE BEEN CHASING PEOPLE AROUND MORE AND ASKING TO HANG OUT WITH THEM. YOU ARE LEFT UNREAD AND WITH NO RESPONSES ALMOST EVERY SINGLE TIME. YOU ARE AN UNDESIRABLE PERSON AND A BIG EMOTIONAL CRYBABY IS WHAT YOU ARE. EVEN THE DAMN E-BOYS DO A BETTER JOB AT ATTRACTING PEOPLE THAN YOU! A DRIFTER? A NOMAD? OR ARE YOU JUST USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID INITIATING CONVERSATIONS?"
 // No I just... Don't know who to start talking to.
 "YEAH BECAUSE YOU ARE WANDERING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE WITH NO THOUGHT ON WHO YOU WANT TO TALK TO."
 // I... I like to observe things first before I interact with someone. And well... Any company feels nice as long as it is civil...
 "AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH PEOPLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND LET PEOPLE WALK PAST YOU?"
 // No...
 "THEN WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WHY DO YOU LIVE? WHAT DO YOU EVEN HAVE NOW?!"
 // I... I... I love myself...
 "You're either lying or the weakest person I know but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. If you truly love yourself, then you should be capable of getting up right? You can't even get up. Then in that case let me put what you say into practice..."
 The shadowy figure spawns a Great Axe and ends up going towards the screens filled with wholesome memories. The screen echoing each individual that thanked him for every single moment he has done right for others. He ends up destroying the first screen shortly after saying, "You make me feel really comfortable."
 // AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING I WANT TO TREASURE THOSE MEMORIES-
 "WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO EVEN SAVOR THOSE MOMENTS WHEN THE END RESULT IS YOU BEING A MISERABLE MESS?! YOU'RE BECOMING TOO DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE. YOU BECAME WEAK. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THOSE PEOPLE ALONE, NOW!"
 As the shadowy figure breaks more cherished, sweet memories, I end up yelling in despair with my body too numb to get up. The only thing I can do is curl up in the ball and cope. My voice grows weaker and end up not being able to be heard from the distance. Only destruction and glass shattering ends up happening. Hoping that it would be all over.
 "It seems that there's one more thing I am missing..."
 I get laid out of my curled up position, now on my back.
 "You can do without this, this is now holding you back and to be frank... It pisses me off that your biggest strength also became your downfall."
 The shadowy figure ends up thrusting their hands against my chest and within seconds, my heart was now on their hands.
 // No... You can't do this, that's what makes me... Me... That's what... has always made me have friends...
 "SHUT UP! IT'S GIVEN YOU NOTHING BUT GRIEF NOW. SAY GOODBYE TO THIS TUMOR THAT YOU CALL A HEART, IT HAS MESSED YOU UP. IT IS HEART BROKEN BEYOND IMMEASURABLE MEANS. IT NEEDS TO GO NOW!"
 Not only my heart was squeezed dry in one grip, but it has ended up being axed, minced, chopped into millions of pieces until it became nothing more but dust. I can only cry in agony over this because I fear that may be a permanent process. The old heart I knew is gone just like that...
 // WHYYYYYYYYYY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP... STOP STOP STOP - AHHHHHHHHHH!
 In complete shock, I end up passing out from the sight of what I saw, as well as the trauma from feeling like I'm incomplete, missing, null and void.
 A few minutes later, I end up coming conscious and the same figure was in front of me, picking me up by the collar. 
 "Maybe now you can stop relying on others and stop resorting to seeing other people for EVERY mental need. You know who I am, right?"
 I stay silent, with my pupils dulled losing every color it once had.
 "I'm the one responsible for you never giving up. Those damned 100 hour shifts. Constantly pushing yourself to the limit. Never giving up for others no matter how hard their issue is. I made you figure everything out about yourself and restrict you from being too co-dependent on being with other people. The person who has declined almost everyone from helping you out. I take quite the pride in making sure that you succeed on tangible physical goals. But nothing... Pisses me off more than seeing you in such a sad state of affairs. Even I want to quit and let you be miserable on your own. Better yet, I should consider ending your conscious and knock you out."
 I end up clinging onto the shadowy figure, closing my eyes.
 "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? TELL ME TO GO AWAY? CONDEMN ME? PLEASE TRY TO, YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO FIGHT BACK!"
 // I... love myself...
 "IS THIS A SELF-PITY PARTY? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"
 // I... love you...
 As I cling tight in desperation, feeling needy. I end up clinging onto the shadowy figure. What the shadowy figure was once a doppelganger of myself ends up glowing brightly. The shadowy figure no longer became a mystery but rather seeing a tanned female of a similar body structure. But definitely sporting the kind of look and impression of a T0MBOY,
 "Damn... I can see now why you're constantly cherished. You can have everything taken away from you, but the one thing you cling onto is the warmth you provide. If your fire goes out, so do you."
 I lift my head up, my eyes still colorless.
 "You've said it before that you love yourself the last couple of years. But this is the first time I've ever seen you that you genuinely mean it to the point that it was matter a life or death."
 I look down for a while, my hands against my chest. Reminding myself of what is missing.
 "I won't take anything else from you anymore. But I don't expect you to forgive me-"
 // You did what you believe is best, I can't get what's really gone now... Plus you got me this far in my life to the point where I now work a full time job in the tech industry. That I've defeated every opposition that stood in my way. That I was able to get really angry for myself and stand up for myself. Though your methods regarding having issues mentally on my own self well... They are very brash that it usually ends up me self-destructing every time... Including this one...
 "Ah..."
 // You made me want to quit and sunset away from everyone on multiple occasions throughout my life... If I had the energy and capacity, I would actually be very upset with you for driving me to a maniac state and pushing everyone away from me. Multiple times. You legitimately ruined a lot of my chances of being closer to people. I hope you know this fact quite well.
 "..."
 // I'll move on from the matter at hand and ask this instead. Do me a favor.
 "Yeah..."
 // I see a river over there and I still can't move. Can you carry me and let me lay there?
 "You're going to get swept away and you may drown, are you sure about that?"
 // I insist. It's the only way my body can move forward.
 "Heh, you got it."
 My body ends up being carried and placed in the river as advertised, still laying on my back.
 // Thanks... Well, I may likely fade out of conscious several times over. Can you wake me up whenever someone says my name?
 "Tch, I've already been doing that."
 // You're the best.
 "Honestly you're so high maintenance." 
 I've made a mental note that rather crude yet tenacious individual... Yeah, I'll dub that one Critical Hit v20.
 As I drift onto the river, the music to 'If I Could Stop One Heart From Breaking (Encore)' plays in the background. The distance between us grow further before it ends up being quiet to my own thoughts. I felt like more than ever, I wanted to live for myself. The wound on my chest, I can't fathom how it'll ever heal itself from what is missing. 
 What is it like to really live without a heart? 
What is it like to have no more attachments to people?
What is it like to be the most inhumane thing closest to a cold robot be like?
What is it like to truly have no more expectations of others being there for me?
What is it like now that my mind has lost the concept and the feeling of what a friend is and what romance feels?
 I've argued with many people that I don't feel like human but they all have disagreed with me... It is likely because of my actions that other people see me as human. However, it does not negate the feeling that I feel within myself. Fundamentally speaking though, they are genuine with their responses and it is based on their observation. I'll take their word for it, there is no reason not to be disingenuous after all.
 What is certain is that perhaps this may be a whole new saga for me. 
 Not that of a Protagonist since my heart is no longer there.
 But a shell of myself living under the new terms of the current life we live in. Of a society where a lack of love, empathy and scarcity of quality people become a distant memory. It's been overran and run with a lot of toxic people. I remember so many people complain to me about their problems back then, stranger and acquaintances alike.
 The only thing I can do right now is live for myself. That's it.
 When I close my eyes one more time, I give a final nod to the pleasant memories that all the people I've been in touch with. However, because of how destroyed those memories are, they're nothing but silhouettes to me.
 I'm very tired... But I will continue to see the world for what it is and in order for me to move forward...
 I will have to put the concept of what a friend and all the social terms past friendship to rest. My mind and my body can no longer recognize it... I only see everyone as people to casually talk to.
 Having small talk and company... Is at least eternal.
 What's nice about small talk, is that it fills the void. The only semblance that makes things feel real to me.
Sure, small talk usually does not grow into anything bigger than that. But it is filling enough to where I can be content with the material at hand. 
 Yeah... I'll do... Just that. I will exist. 
 This is it... Next time I wake up, I'll feel like a complete stranger to myself but I need to keep living my life and continue to take in new experiences. Live each moment as every day is my last. Assume that anyone I talk to may suddenly disappear one day. That's just being realistic... 
 I let out a sigh, it seems I'm at my limit for now. It doesn't help that work has given me a heavy workload and needing to be at 110% capacity to get the job done... 
 My eyes close as I let the river wash me away, slowly fading out of conscious all while slowly sinking into the water.