Pasted

You've Reached a Checkpoint I
 Started: 10/4/2024
OST to Listen To While Reading: Classroom Of The Elite - Trust Is A Treasure
 "Hi there! You've reached a checkpoint. How are you doing?"
 I feel at ease knowing that living my life at my own pace, at my own schedule, and no longer worrying about who will stay and who will go has been the most liberating feeling I've felt in my entire life. 
 There has been a two month gap since I've last made an entry. That being August and September of 2024. September 2024 I ended up being extremely busy with work I consistently clocked overtime hours of the 50 hour range (more or less). I was actually eager to initially close out Part III of the story I was making about my internal self. But having my motivation to write mainly from me being at a low point in my mental state had its limit, and work already taking most of that energy away... So I decide to put that on hold and I took things back. I went back to the basics.
 I went back to the simple times and started living for myself. Nothing more, nothing less.
 That had to mean that I put everyone else aside. I stopped taking initiative on seeing or messaging other people. I only wanted to focus on myself. I will still put myself out there but if people ended up seeking me out to join in on me, I'll accept that to. If people wanted to be my friend first and want to keep in touch, I'd also accept that. Now at the least, after my month period I at least reached out to the people who left me messages or checked in with several individuals online to let them know I'm alright and dropped on in. 
 It's a state of mind I would like to call: Being in limbo.
 It seems that I was continuing to carry every single thought I had with me, both positive and negative. On paper you'd think holding onto every single thought means you'd learn more. But if you also held in the bad ones or leaned into the good thoughts for too long, they all result in not being able to live in the present. That seemed to be my problem right there. And in a sense, these journals of what I was in that point in time would already sufficiently cover how I felt in that moment. When I recognized that, I knew what to do.
 I ended up letting myself go mentally and meditated that entire month or so to resolve several things about me. 
 After that, I decided to re-write my entire mantra of living my life. It has been that out of date and it worked last decade. 
 This is what I used to live by:
 - Survive, grow, and adapt as much as you can.
- Keep working towards higher pay and better working conditions.
- Try to be relevant with other people as much as you can. 
- Try not to be alone. 
- Always keep working on myself, because I feel like I'm never enough...
 (My previous entries all reflect what I say too. But obviously in much more detail. I'll let those entries speak for themselves).
 What that resulted in, at the least is I guaranteed myself to live. But it never stated anything about enjoying my life. It drained me. It messed me up to the point I thought because I don't have a good paying job that I never deserved to be with anyone. That was the domino effect that snowballed me to feeling a lot more miserable over time. It snowballed and compounded into me feeling desperate. And that's the worst feeling ever. I never want to push my overwhelmingly depressive thoughts on others so as a result, I made a few changes in the middle of my life and learned that there are always limits with people. 
 So I added this on there that I still live to this day:
 - Never talk about my vulnerable side in detail to anyone unless ALL of the following conditions happen:
 1) They ask about it 
2) I trust them that they are competent and trustworthy enough to talk about it 
 One of the most perplexing things as an adult is the risk vs. reward of when and how to talk about your vulnerable side, your true self, what you've been through, and just saying stuff to lift the weight out of your shoulders. Because when done right, it brings people closer together. However, if the amount of problems are so overwhelming then it pushes people away.
 Now that I realize it, that observation is a significant portion of possibly why loneliness is an epidemic. Between that observation and people's mindset hard wired to being with a significant other only automatically makes life better... That's not what I've heard at all. There needs to be a good balance of knowing several people in your life with different purposes in order to make a life truly worth living. 
 Fortunately from the people I know ranging from acquaintances to friends, most people have settled in and found what they're looking for. That's great, and awesome! It is mostly because they all had a clear vision and desired that.
 However, that leaves me with myself. I am a different case, I am an oddity.
 My constant curiosity for adventures and meeting new people often will always put me in a state where I'll always be alone. But I'll always not be alone -- Under the condition that 90% of the people I'll meet will always be acquaintances. There are several people who view me as a close friend because I've helped them out several times, but to me because I barely talk to them. I feel that I'm not really a friend to them. Because of that, I always assume something else unless I'm told. Recently there are a couple of people who assured me and told me that I'm not just some acquaintance. I actually mean a lot to them. Went out of their way to refer to a couple of examples of what I've done for them and extended their gratitude. 
 The best part is that these messages came out of the blue. I didn't expect it at all. And that made me feel better.
 This is now what I have done (or will) live by moving forward: 
 - I focus living in the present only. 
 - I focus what is in front of me right now. Whether it is people or places, I'll always work with what I got.
 - I do my own thing and enjoy what hobbies I feel like doing today. 
 - When I'm ready to feel like putting myself out there, I'll do so. However, I will never expect anyone that I talk to stick around. 
 Everyone has their life to live. They have their career, their friends, people they like, their pets, and everything else in between. That being said, I'm more than fine if not everyone likes me or sees me as someone they want to hang out again. I've had great conversations with strangers who I occasionally see again, and I treat those as really nice encounters. Because strangers or acquaintances can really react to the words that you say without little to no bias about the topic. It sounds cold to say, but getting feedback from the right people can sometimes very well be people who don't know anything about you on a personal level at all. 
 - I view my social life is always like a roguelite. I'm prepared to see many more people come and leave into my life.
 This is the very notion I've been coming to terms with for several months, if not at least a year+ at this point. I dwell on this from time to time only when this exact thought pops into my mind. But it doesn't affect me as badly as it did in the past. Because that's just how life works. 
 - I let people come into my life now instead of chasing other people. 
 That being said, I have a contingency where a recently acquainted friendship I will give it a genuine week to where I try to drop in or hang out with them, or leave a message. See how it goes. If the interest on their end dwindles or are just busy, I'll move on but still leave a line of contact if they want to keep in touch. Which typically ends up happening.
 I do rotate and have some days where I join in on people who are free to be joined on to see how they're doing, and if they are interested in keeping in touch again to talk. Most do. Not all people remember me though. Sometimes I join in on others and I happen to come in at the wrong time. But I base it on their status being open to join. And sometimes I get told they want to spend alone time with someone else and I'll always respect it. 
 Overall, there are some surprises to realize when some people do care about you more than you think. They just don't really speak up about it and they seem well composed in an environment where they too also need to talk to a lot of people.
 - If I am interested in being with another person in any capacity, I'll just state so and only say it once. Leave it up to them to decide. 
 That being said, I don't need to expect them to give an answer back. It's always an option. If they do not respond to it at all, I will assume no and move on. However, that is a guarantee that I will talk to those individuals less often, sometimes never again if they do not desire to be talked to even as an acquaintance.
 - I already made plans with my life to *assume* that I will be single for the rest of my life. 
 This is likely the most controversial thing I've written about myself in my entire life. Writing it in simple terms really helps it out and spices it up a notch.
 You can say a lot of people will see you in a certain way after getting to know you more. When people do lock in on how they see you as, it's hard to really change their mind (assuming you've already told them how you feel and all that). 
 So I've taken a different approach and no longer worry about how or what other people think about me. But I'm also the kind of individual that is driven to work on a lot of my own personal projects. Because I know for a fact that as of writing this, the two things that have always been there for me are:
 - My self, my own mind, and my journals
- My projects that I work on 
 Yes, I have given my fair shake of the whole process of getting to know people, being closer, and the whole works. Most people like to have me as a person to chill and talk to. I'm very blessed compared to last decade where I'd be lucky if even a stranger keeps me company for 20 minutes. Most of my social life has been revolved around online spaces. MMORPGs mainly and multiplayer games. 
 And even outside of that, there is a fundamental flaw about myself that I'm going to accept about myself and live with it.
 - The well of my love has completely dried out on me.
 That is a result of me just living my life for a long while and trying my best to put myself out there. 
 The feeling of loving another person who actually cares and loves you too, it is an amazing feeling don't get me wrong. But there also needs to be checks and balances of having similar values, beliefs, integrity with some compromises here and there to make that sort of relationship work. It is indeed a two way street. I have heard of way too many stories where people are people pleasers to their friends or partners who delibritely treat them terrible, and end up crashing and burning...
 An awful sight to see indeed. 
 Then, there are some people out there who ONLY depend on another significant other to make their life happy, they work really hard and get what they want, and more power to them. But that's not me. If I was like them, I would be frankly honest and I would not be able to live like that. I would likely of not lived too much longer after college if that were the case.
 That is not to say that this stance is a permanent thing. If you take the empty well analogy into consideration, that is exactly as it means. The well on the entrance up top has never been closed. It's open. The only thing is that because it appears rustic and not in use for a while, a lot of people will assume it is out of service. (This is heavily implied that I am Reciproromantic.)
 Honestly, I can't blame anyone about that. Not even myself.
 Because I realize that I am only in control of my own actions, and I can do the best I can within my own means. The real benefit to this situation is that I don't need to feel binded to a particular lifestyle or to seek out other people for validation. 
 I just feel that living my own life is the best thing I got.
 I just fundamentally think for me at least, you still need to live your own life first and foremost. You still have things you want to do with your life. I'll keep on doing that. 
 However, I left that free space in case life changes. But I won't put any emphasis or hype around it. 
 -----------------------------------------------------------
 [From here, Crit goes on a tangent].
 My life itself feels like the biggest Open-World MMORPG I've ever experienced. Simply because the concept of a lot of societial terms has been derived to basically how you, yourself as a person. 
 What do you consider a stranger?
What do you consider an acquaintance?
What do you consider a friend? 
What do you consider as someone close to you?
What do you consider a soulmate?
What do you consider someone worth it enough to go out on a date?
What do you consider as a partner?
What do you consider a good group of people to stick around with?
What do you consider a good community to be there for?
 Because at this point, there are a lot of different answers that we could be here all day.
 From my observation however, the three things that draw people to wanting to talk more are:
 - Common Interests
- General feel and flow of the presence of that person  
- Attraction
 Common interest open the door to potentially make someone you never met into an acquaintance.
However, having a really good time talking to someone can open up to a friendship.
Attraction finally, determines in what kind and what capacity of this attraction determines if things go past that friendship.
 It's a very fascinating idea to me simply because a lot of people subconsciously have all this in their mind and in their own actions, but most people don't really notice it unless they think about it. 
 There's that common theme I say to myself that my social life is like a roguelite. I feel that life chose me for a reason. Because of how flexible I am to talk to all kinds of people, that's the impression I get. I am always interested for the most part in having any conversation and usually leave it at that. 
 My body and mind... It's mostly gone. It's only that desire to engage in the conversation itself that drives me to still talk to people to this day. In a sense, I have abandoned my perception of self only because it would hold me back and make me generate such awful habits such as self-confidence, never feeling like I'm enough and all that. Well at the end of the day who keeps saying that? Myself. Is it for any particular reason? Yes, being held up, rejected or not really be talked to as often. I gave it many fair chances and chalked it up to coincedences and all that. And for the most part, it is.
 But there is that extra element that pushes it and makes me realize that: Well what am I into now Crit?
 For the first time I realize that a year ago. I actually said, "Well, I no longer know anymore. The world just keeps changing."
 It got me thinking for a while. It got me thinking, "This entire internal problem with myself, what I was really fighting for is the will to live with myself and be content with my life as it is now." For my case, being around other people in general, even those who loved me previously, I didn't feel nearly as fulfilled. Mainly because other people never really got to understand me internally on how much I'm really going through. It's to the point that what they envisoned me as, I was practically a saint. When in reality, I was a mess and had many things to sort out with myself. And because of that, I fundamentally think it's not fair to have a romantic relationship start out like that. So I've rejected a fair amount and chalked it down to a, "It's not a you thing. It's a me thing." Yes, with some folks I have fallen out of love with, and some people did the same to me. I respect those answers because they are genuine, honest, and they still care about you as a person regardless. For that, I'm always thankful that just about all of them ended peacefully. And if not that, they all had closure.
 I've been living my life constantly for myself. I get up each morning, head to work, come home to the usual shower and relaxing for the hour before I boot up the machine and decide what I want to do next. Which is to either experience a new social area, work on my personal projects, or catch up with people if they're around or available.
 The freedom to be able to choose what I mostly want to do with my life is the biggest positive out of this.
 However, not everyone enjoys hearing that kind of lifestyle when people get around to asking what I typically do. I get asked a lot, "Don't you feel lonely?" "You have friends do you?"
 Well, I can say they're around. But to be fair, you're living your life too, just like how I'm living mine. Not everyone is going to be readily available. When I realized that's how life worked, I stopped chasing people around as much and stopped feeling bad about it. 
 Because ultimately, I choose to have faith in people. I live by a principle. If people really enjoy being around you and aren't afraid of you, they will go out of their way to make an opportunity for you to talk to them. Or, they'll always acknowledge your presence and will at least stop by to say hi. That is when I feel really appreciated and it will then make me do the same.
 That feeling right there and those series of actions. To me, that's a true sense of a person who genuinely cares about you. It doesn't even have to be romantic either. I believe that everyone has a common goal to at least be with a group of people that feel like they do care for them. It's built biologically into a human, it can't be avoided. Even the most spiteful people who are anti-social will eventually want at least one person to talk to (and that's mostly likely it). But it's not zero. 
 I can say I'm two steps ahead certainly when it comes to revealing my true nature about myself. Unless you went out of your way to read this journal entry, then it is likely that I have never talked about myself on a personal level to you. I have been listening to everyone, going along with the discussion at hand. But at the end of the day, I keep subject matters about myself (on the very personal level stuff) to a minimum. Sure I'll talk about my favorite color or hobbies or what I do for work if you ask or if in a group conversation, that question happens to be asked, and sometimes if it is asked directly to me. Each social situation varies a lot, and reading the room enough, most people are gravitated to another person and not me necessarily. So by default, I don't say much about myself, but I do more of a commentary of the reactions of other people's questions. 
 Because for me, I believe that a step of wanting to be more than just an acquaintance means that you're willing to want to know more about me naturally. 
 It got a few people to say to me, "Actually Crit, I don't really know all that much about you." To those people, they've been the most observant people around. I consider that quite a feat. When that happens, I always reply with, "Well, that just means you need to ask more questions directed at me. I am the kind of person while I do talk and yap a lot, anything regarding myself my mind has been hard wired not to say too much about myself unless I'm asked directly about it. It is by design after all."
 One of the most critical feedback about this approach is, "Well, if you want people to get closer to you, you should talk about yourself more too."
 I counter with, "Well, I have the right to my privacy and data too, don't I? Not everyone is going to be open and people have confessed that they rarely talk about themselves even when asked. I'm pretty beneviolent in the sense that as long as people ask questions about me, I'll just answer them as it is long as it's not harmful."
 There's also the element of if having small talks and various conversations with them about random stuff, they seem bored or not interested, or looking at a different screen or the time, then they already have plans and want to go to where their actual plans are. I get this many times over, and hey those people planned it out ahead of time. So they can do what they want to. 
 I'd find it more odd if everyone had free time to see me specifically everyday. Mainly because I'm somewhat of a reserved person in the sense that I wander around and do my own thing most of my free time. Because usually everyone else is doing their own thing. I figured to do my own thing as well.
 Lastly, there's the aspect of having the energy to spend time with people. I'm an ambivert in the sense that some days I am fueled more with company, and other days I only have a limited capacity to "yap" if you will. If you got me to be able to talk about myself casually in front you and tell you how my day went, and the things I've experienced, and the thoughts I'm currently having. Congratulations, we are close in some capacity. Guaranteed at least to be on friendly terms. Could be more but it really depends. 
 I keep thinking back to the well though. But accepting it for what it is and letting it do its own thing is the best that I can do. Because really, I am in control of who I bring into my life and having people around who can accept me in this current state and enjoy what I have to talk about, "yap about" or even offer, and enjoy whatever small messages or random antics I get into...
 Yeah I'll sure to make myself available for those folks.
 But I give everyone at least an equal opportunity to have that conversation or two with me first. I still feel overall that it's more beneficial to at least try talking to all sorts of people. Even the people who are completely the opposite of you in terms of values, goals and all that stuff only for the sole reason of understanding how people work more. I do not endorse reaching out to people who are harmful or are toxic. Rather, people who work in different professions who can still have a civil conversation, you get quite the insight of what and how they operate as a person. That being said, there are gradutes, managers, artists, streamers, Engineers, nurses, people who work remote with non-traditional jobs, people who make avatars, people who learned a trade, truck drivers, and everything else in between. You can collectively gain a lot of nuance and perspective that you can't normally get sticking to a safety net of your close friends and all that.
 In that respect, I chose this life of wanting a never-ending adventure of meeting all kinds of people, and I'm no longer upset or sad at myself if I end up being alone for most of my life. Because at the end of the day, I made this choice. I got the stable full time job, so for now I'll focus on enjoying my free time doing things I want to do socially. I always desired to talk to more people, but I had to sacrifice something. I sacrificed growing my career and my heart chose to always assume I'm going to be going solo so I need to love myself.  
 Which I do. It still does not negate the lonesome feeling that dwells in from time to time. But as long as I have that door open to let people talk to me, I'll eventually be fine. 
 Because there are people out there who chose to keep in touch with me or chose to let me talk to them whenever I can. That's the greatest gift I could possibly be given honestly. It allows me to put my mind at ease more and not be a downer. 
 Having my mind be free is what allows me to truly be myself without hesitation. It allowed me to start living again. This is the moment right here where I went from surviving, to now I'm starting to live my life.
 That is truly a moment worth celebrating for myself. It's cemented in my entire body to say to myself, "You did it Crit. You can finally live for yourself. Now enjoy it."
 The first thing in my mind now, is to try out everything I want to do with my hobbies. Get back to being in public lobbies and interact. And to always remember to do the things I always want to do first since well. People know what they want out of their life. If they want you in their life, they'll easily stand out now. There's no more need for ambiguity or thinking too hard with people.
 I can just be me now and enjoy the concept of my mind being in a shounen-like state. Laugh it up, have a storm, pull silly shenanigans. I can care less if it makes me sound younger, because that is really me at the end of the day. I can't deny that there's a huge logical mind within me too, but it can take the backseat because too much logic in the wrong person or time can really mess someone else. Then again, everything in moderation now.
 Well, I honestly don't know what life has in store for me in terms of what people I'll meet, and which people will I get closer to. But for those who spoke clearly about your interest in me in some capacity. I am taking notes. 
 I also don't know what else I can do with my life outside of pursuing all those hobbies and projects I want to do after work, but I currently enjoy doing that. So I'll keep at it. I'll have to pivot and adjust accordingly if life happens to me and I lose my job and what not. There are some people I don't really even see anymore that I was close to as well, so it's why that roguelike mantra sticks with me. The best way I can shrug off people who are no longer present but are still alive. For those that are no longer alive today, I'll keep on living for them. It's the least I can do.
 All I know what to do now, is to just live my life to the fullest. I'll do that just, simple enough. Knowing full well that there will be things that can hurt me out there. But honestly... Life's not easy either way.
 Alright looks like I'm just about done with this checkpoint. If you're lucky, you can catch me ramble about myself more. That means more Crit lore for you if you happen to drop by or ask to see me personally. 
 Consider that an incentive and a reward if you choose to do so and I reply in kind. 
 Until next time, my acquaintance. 
 If you feel that you're more than an acquaintance, well let me know then. 
 Later.