Pasted

Trigger Warning: Mental Breakdown
 "It has been a while. I can imagine in the last three months that some sort of developments have been happening..."
 Outside of working hard lately, it seems that the people surrounding me have their fair share of troubles. But fortunately, they have their fair share of a support group or people they can depend on. So I'm not as worried about anyone else. If anything, there were several hard walls I mentally came across within myself that at the time, I could not overcome.
 "Oh? I thought you could take on anything, or rather you don't have a choice but to do so anyway. What's holding you back this time?"
 Maybe I'm fatigued by the idea of facing every single issue internally on my own... But at the same time, the few people that I've tried to reach out, most of them let me down. Now to be fair, people have spoken out to insist on speaking out about my mind more. But I am not a fan of ranting about something that I've already repeated more than twice. I've been doing this ordeal for my entire life. And the only results that seem to appear is really, I understand myself more. 
 Not only I understand myself more, but I understand how far out of reality I am with how deep my mind goes. 
 That many people don't even know what to do or say, and at least they're honest in saying they don't know what to do...
 "Well statistically speaking, most people would settle for less or something simple and be content with small company. But you... You always wanted something more. It seems you can't stop moving forward until you find people who really understand you."
 You're not wrong on that, but... 
 "Let's see, you're so up in your thoughts that people end up leaving you alone. People end up falling out of love with you. People end up breaking up with you. Have you ever considered that in your own quest of conquering yourself... You became more of a problem to a lot of people than you realize, that barely anyone messages you anymore?"
 ...
 "Listen, your mental burden and thoughts are way too much for the average person. Most people are on a social platform to hang out and talk. I believe that most people are too nice to say this to you. This level of transparency you place on your emotions and feelings? Quite profound. So profound that it disgusts me how much you voice your emotions."
 I argue quite the opposite. Too many people are reserved and in order to break the ice, I'll risk it all and put myself forward. 
 "Yes, you are also a master of moving forward no matter what. You walk past everybody when you don't get to be closer to the people you want to. You walk past everyone for the sake of work. You walk past everybody to the point you become a ghost and disappear. What is with you? Why do you barely reach out to anyone?"
 Well... I feel that when I'm troubled with my own mind, I would excuse myself and try and sort it out by myself as the first course of action. And it seems that I eventually resolve most of my issues on my own.
 "You see... If you are that self sufficient and can do things by yourself... Then there's no reason or motive to get closer to you."
 What?...
 "All the people surrounding you that are in romantic relationships. What do they have in common? They both are vulnerable enough to want to share those. And that they actually have genuine feelings of closeness. You on the other hand? You refuse to be vulnerable, and because you refuse to be vulnerable for a long period of time until you start melting... Well, why would people want to be with you?"
 Ah...
 "This even extends to a friendship. If you keep yourself so centered, doing your own thing all the time. Why and how can people ever attempt to be closer to you? You're more of a problem than you realize if you intend on wanting to be closer to someone."
 "Actually... Where has your desire to be closer to someone even went? Because it's been gone for most of your life anyway!"
 Honestly... I just got so used to working and solving my own problems that I don't even imagine the thought of sharing my burdens with other people. I'm not against it, but yeah... 
 "Well there you go. People are such social creatures that you realize this by now. They all want that sort of interaction. You lack that. This is why a lot of people have grown distant around you. People have short attention spans. You can't simply take peoples' words for it on what they say when they care about you."
 No... I'll take people's word for it anyway. That's part of socializing with other people. I already came to terms that people can come and go easily in life. But people don't go out of their way to say nice things to others when they mean it.
 "How does it feel to know a lot of people, yet the depth of how well you know most people are as shallow as a puddle?"
 It feels rather lonesome. It feels like there are many pages to turn at that point.
 "Maybe you too, have reached a fatigue of a different kind."
 It's fine... I'll just keep meeting new people...
 "And what? Spread yourself even more thin? What happened to the people you want to meet again?"
 I don't know... I keep imagining that people are doing their own thing, so I end up going on to meet new people over, and over, and over again...
 "Even though a few people have offered to want to see you again? What are you doing to those people? Leave them hanging?"
 It's not that I don't want to leave them hanging, I happen to get busy or tired with work and-
 "Those sound more like excuses to me. You should just not be around people if you're not in the mood to do so."
 But by that logic, if I am feeling this miserable and depressed all the time then-
 "Exactly. That is why I assessed that you should not have anymore friends. You're making yourself liable. You've seen people talk crap behind other peoples back and get excited to talk about someone who is mentally 'messed up'. You have seen people flat out told you in the past that they were fed up with you many years ago. You were hot garbage the first half of your last decade of being an adult. You couldn't even form a sentence. You were weak. You always have this vulnerable soft side to yourself. And you decide to recently open yourself up for more people to make fun of you? To show you how weak and miserable you are by writing these blog entries?"
 I feel like a level of transparency on myself is very important for-
 "YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF A RED FLAG! YOU ARE MAKING THIS EASY FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE TO AVOID YOU! YOU WERE A MESS BEFORE, AND YOU ARE STILL A MESS NOW! THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE STILL TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT! WHY ARE YOU STILL PERSISTING? KNOW YOUR PLACE AND BE THE WELCOME MAT YOU ALWAYS WERE!"
 No...
 "YOU KEEP MAKING PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND YOU ARE STRESSING ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS OUT. DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO BE HURT BECAUSE OF YOUR DOING? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HARM OTHER PEOPLE BY TELLING EVERYONE HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE? WHY DO YOU THINK MOST OF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW BARELY EVEN TALK TO YOU ANYMORE? THAT THEY FLAT OUT SAY THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU! IF YOU LIVED SO LONG IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU STILL CAN'T SOLVE YOUR OWN ISSUES. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LET DARWIN'S NATURAL SELECTION TAKE PLACE."
 No...
 "YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE ANY KIND OF LIFE, PERIOD! YOU ARE HOLDING PEOPLE BACK! LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE AND NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE EVER AGAIN."
 Stop...
 "YOU WORK LIKES YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SO EXPENDABLE AND DEPENDABLE THAT YOU SEEM TO FULFILL SUCH A GRAND PURPOSE OF BEING A MACHINE, WORKING THOSE 60-80 HOUR WORK WEEKS!"
 Nnghh..... Ahh....
 "PEOPLE ASK YOU ALL SORTS OF TECHNICAL QUESTIONS ABOUT MATH, COMPUTERS AND UNITY WORK BECAUSE YOU ARE SO KNOWLEDGEABLE THAT INSTEAD OF USING GOOGLE, THEY CAN ASK YOU THAT SO EASILY."
 So I happen to be knowledgeable, so what...
 "PEOPLE ASK YOU EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, AND YET ALMOST NOBODY EVEN ASKS HOW THE HELL YOU ARE DOING. ACTUALLY, THE ONLY TIME MOST PEOPLE MESSAGE YOU IS TO WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR, AND THEN GO BACK TO NOT MESSAGING YOU AGAIN FOR ANOTHER YEAR!"
 Ouch... Well... You're not wrong...
 "IF YOU WERE SOCIALLY ACCEPTED TO BE CLOSER TO SOMEONE IN A ROMANTIC SENSE, YOU WOULD OF FOUND SOMEONE A LONG TIME AGO. THE FACT THAT YOU ARE SINGLE FOR ALMOST YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, IT SPEAKS VOLUME. YOU'RE SO DETACHED AND SO DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE THAT NOBODY CAN EVEN UNDERSTAND YOU WELL TO THE POINT PEOPLE LEAVE YOU. PEOPLE ABANDON YOU. PEOPLE FEAR YOU. PEOPLE CONSTANTLY SAY THEY'RE AFRAID OF YOU THE MOMENT YOU START TALKING ABOUT YORU ISSUES. DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?"
 Why...
 "BECAUSE YOU ARE A LIABILITY TO HUMANTIY. YOU NEED TO STOP GIVING PEOPLE ALL THIS GRIEF, AND ANYONE THAT DARES TO TRY AND FIX YOU OR SAVE YOU, ARE WASTING YOUR TIME! YOU'RE NOT WORTH SAVING."
 But I want to have friends. But I want to still be there for people... Is that not enough?
 "THE ISSUE WAS NEVER ABOUT BEING ENOUGH, THE ISSUE IS YOU PLAYING SUPER HERO 'PROTAGONIST', DRIVING IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND HAVE THIS HUGE EGO THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PLEASE, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. THIS IS SAD TO SAY, BUT WHEN YOUR OWN THOUGHT IS TELLING YOU THAT YOU'RE STILL A HOLLOW SHELL OF WHAT YOU WERE IN THE PAST, AND STILL ARE BUT PUTTING A BLANKET AND CALLING IT THIS PROTAG CRAP WHILE HYPING PEOPLE UP AND MAKING THEM BELIEVE YOU ARE THIS PROTAGONIST? THAT'S A DAMN LIE."
 Ahh....
 "I AM IMPRESSED YOU CONVINCED SO MANY PEOPLE OF WHAT YOU'RE NOT, THIS PROTAGONIST TRAIT OF YOURS. YOU CONVINCED PEOPLE YOU USED TO HAVE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS ABOUT THIS, YOU CONVINCED FRIENDS ABOUT THIS, YOU CONVINCED RANDOM PEOPLE ABOUT THIS, AND HALF OF THE TIME WITHOUT SAYING A WORD ABOUT IT. YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE CONFLICTS BETWEEN WHO YOU WANT TO BE, AND WHO YOU REALLY ARE."
 ...
 "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY ARE? YOU'RE A FAKE THERAPIST. YOU NEED TO STOP LEADING PEOPLE ON AS IF YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF WISDOM OR ADVICE. AND THE FACT YOU'VE LED PEOPLE ON FOR SO LONG AND JOIN YOU, AND BELIEVE IN YOU, AND HAVE A COUPLE OF WHOLE COMMUNITIES THAT LOOK UP TO YOU. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT KIND OF FRAUD YOU ARE?"
 THAT'S BECAUSE I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR OTHER PEOPLE, BECAUSE I CAN NOT SAVE MYSELF. I NEVER COULD AT ALL!
 "YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. GLAD TO SEE AND AGREE THAT YOU ARE NOT THE BEST PERSON AT ALL. IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU NEVER DESERVED THE PRAISE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE LICENSE TO GIVE PEOPLE ADVICE TO DO SO."
 But... That's all I live for...
 "SO YOU STILL LIVE FOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT BLANKET IT AS THIS PROTAGONIST VIEW? WHAT DO YOU WANT A NOBLE PEACE PRIZE BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ARE THEIR PARTNER AND THEIR FRIEND GROUP. YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY ESTABLISHED LONG LASTING FRIEND GROUP BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS RUN AWAY WHEN THE CONVERSATION IS NO LONGER ABOUT YOU."
 Ahhh.... Noo... No no no.... 
 "AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE ANSWER THE QUESTIONS YOU GIVE THEM? THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE UNTIL THEY COME BACK CONVENIENTLY TO ASK. YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN A SERVICE DOG. BUT GUESS WHAT? AT LEAST PEOPLE KEEP THE SERVICE DOG AROUND. PEOPLE DON'T KEEP YOU AROUND. YOU ADD NO INHERENT VALUE. YOU MAY KNOW HOW TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISSUES HAPPEN, BUT YOU DO NOT ADD ANY CREATIVE OUTPUT. YOU ARE NOT A CONTENT CREATOR. YOU ARE NOT A STREAMER. YOU ARE NOT SOMETHING ANYONE WANTS TO PERSONALLY KNOW ABOUT ESPECIALLY WHEN PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT ISSUES WITH YOU."
 STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
 "THE FACT PEOPLE TRY SO HARD FOR YOU ONLY FOR YOU TO CURL UP INTO A BALL AND LET THE OVERWHELMING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS CONSUME YOU TO THE POINT YOU GO OFFLINE SEVERAL TIMES THIS YEAR AND COMPLETELY NOT MESSAGE ANYONE ANYMORE... IT SHOWS ONE OVERWHELMING OPINION, WHICH I WILL CALL IT A FACT BASED ON OBSERVATION..."
 ...
 "YOU ARE A HINDERANCE TO EVERYONE. IF YOU CAN NOT SOLVE YOUR OWN ISSUES, LEAVE EVERYONE ALONE AND NEVER REACH OUT TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU CAN FIX YOURSELF, BY YOURSELF."
 Why... No... I don't want to be alone...
 "YOU HAVE POTENTIAL TO BE EVEN BETTER. IF YOU CAN SOLVE EVERYTHING BY YOURSELF THEN DO SO. WHY BOTHER BEING CLOSER TO ANYONE WHEN PEOPLE ALREADY SEE YOU AS JUST ANOTHER PERSON TO TALK TO?"
 Ahh..... I guess anyone can just choose who they want to talk to... I'm not special I suppose...
 "WHEN PEOPLE WRITE THOSE LONG LETTERS OF HOW MUCH YOU'VE DONE, THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH AT THE TIME THEY WRITE THEIR FEELINGS. BUT WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW IS..."
 ...
 "THAT YOU CAN BE EASILY REPLACED BY ANYONE, AT ANY TIME. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LIFE WORKS. WHEN PEOPLE ENJOY BEING WITH SOMEONE SO MUCH MORE, YOU WILL KEEP BEING BUMPED LOWER, AND LOWER ON THE LIST UNTIL YOU ARE FORGOTTEN AND IRRELEVANT."
 I... No wonder why barely anyone messages me...
 "THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE PLANNED OBSOELNCE THIS ENTIRE TIME. YOU ARE THE STEPPING STONE TO WHAT PEOPLE REALLY ARE LOOKING FOR."
 No...
 "WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE MOVE ON WITHOUT YOU? WHY DID THE LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT WITH BREAK UP WITH YOU AND WENT OUT WITH A LADY INSTEAD? WHY DO YOU THINK YOU BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE WHEN YOU REALIZED THEY WERE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?"
 ...
 "I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE YOU ARE A FAILURE IN KEEPING PEOPLE CLOSE. YOU REALLY ARE AS STONE COLD AS A ROBOT. THOSE FEELINGS YOU WERE FEELING THE ENTIRE TIME? DO YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE REAL."
 Yes, they are to me.
 "WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE ALL ALONE, BY YOURSELF AS YOU USUALLY DO. OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERYDAY!"
 No... Ahhhhhhhhh..... Please, stop this, I'm actually crying...
 "NO, I AM DONE WITH YOUR LOFTY GOALS OF WANTING TO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE. YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR BRAIN AWAY, YOU COULD OF BEEN AN ESTABLISHED PROGRAMMER OR ENGINEER AND EASILY MAKE A 6-FIGURE SALARY! BUT INSTEAD, YOU ARE BRAIN ROTTING AND CHASING CONVERSATION WITH RANDOM PEOPLE ONLINE! AND DRAWING TOO, AND EDITING AVATARS! OH MY GOD, THIS IS CLASSIC, YOU ARE A DAMN FAILURE TO THE BIGGEST DEGREE!"
 AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 "THAT'S RIGHT AS LONG AS YOU ARE USING YOUR MIND TO CRITICALLY THINK WITH YOUR CAREER, AND ALL PROBLEMS YOU FACE. I WILL STILL EXIST. I WILL PERSIST. I WILL BERATE YOU AND SET YOU STRAIGHT UNTIL YOU BE ON THE RIGHT PATH."
 Aaa.....a....
 "HOW DID YOU THINK YOU SURVIVED POST-COLLEGE EARLY ON? BECAUSE YOU FOCUSED ON SURVIVAL. NOTHING BUT SURVIVAL. NO MORE FUN. NO MORE DETOURS. GRIND HARD FOR THE JOB. CLIMB UP THAT LADDER. GET THAT MONEY TO SURVIVE MORE BUT YOU INDULGE YOURSELF IN YOUR HOBBIES EVERY TIME!"
 But it... inspired me to keep working by spending on hobbies it is what people usually do and-
 "SO YOU WANT SOME SHINY NEW THINGS TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY? THAT IS VERY SAD. WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING HAPPY WITH PEOPLE?"
 Well you know that back then after college, I was a mess and I already chose to buckle down to help myself...
 "IT SEEMS YOU NEED TO SPEND ANOTHER DECADE TO FIX YOURSELF. BUT HAH HAH HAH... BY THE TIME YOU DO THAT, EVERYONE WOULD MOVE ON WITHOUT A FUTURE AND YOU WILL STILL BE STUCK IN THE PAST. YOUR TIME OF BEING RELEVANT IS GOING TO RUN OUT SOON."
 But... some people promised me they'll be there...
 "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE INTENTION OF PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE, PEOPLE CHANGE THEIR MIND ALL THE TIME. PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE CRINGE. PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE YOU. AND THE PEOPLE THAT ARE STILL THERE FOR YOU ARE DOING IT OUT OF SYMPATHY. WHEN THEY FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'LL BE REPLACED FOR GOOD! AND NOBODY WILL CONTACT YOU EVER AGAIN!"
 No... that's... Am I really going to fade away like this...
 "THAT'S THE SPIRIT, YOU CAN NO LONGER TELL WHO IS GENUINE TO YOU. YOU CAN NOT DISTINGUISH THE DIFFERENCE OF ANYONE ANYMORE."
 ...
 "HUMANS ARE ANIMALS, THEY WANT TO INDULGE THEMSELVES IN THE MOMENT WITH NEW PEOPLE THAT CATCH THEIR ATTENTION OR INTEREST. SURE YOU MAY HAVE A SPOTLIGHT TODAY BUT WHEN THEY FIND PEOPLE BETTER? YOU WILL BE GIVEN LESS TIME TO WORK WITH. AND EVENTUALLY...."
 DON'T SAY IT!
 "YOU. WILL. BE. REPLACED. AND. NOT. CONTACTED. ANYMORE."
 GAHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO, THAT CAN NOT BE, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
 "THIS GENERATION IS DIFFERENT TODAY. YOU ARE BEING FORGOTTEN BY A LOT OF PEOPLE ALREADY WHEN YOU GET ONLINE IN GENERAL. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. YOU WILL FADE AWAY TO EXISTENCE ONE DAY AND THERE IS NO USE IN FIGHTING THIS!"
 "AND EVEN THEN, PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF YOU BECAUSE OF HOW STUCK UP YOU ARE WITH THIS PROTAGONIST VIEW. THAT YOU ARE SO MISERABLE THAT PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF EVEN HAVING THE COURAGE TO SPEAK UP AGAINST YOU. THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE A HASSLE TO DEAL WITH, YOU ARE TROUBLE. YOU ARE A MENACE. THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY TRYING TO SAY TO YOU. AND I BET THEY WON'T SAY THIS IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE EITHER."
 "DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERY E-BOY AND E-GIRL YOU SEE ARE HAPPILY TOGETHER? BECAUSE THEY DROP THEIR STANDARDS SO LOW AND LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE. THEY HEAR THOSE WORDS I LOVE YOU AND MAN THEY ARE HOOKED. IF YOU ARE THAT DESPERATE TO WANT SOMEONE IN THAT WAY, THEN GO AHEAD AND BE AS DUMB AS THOSE PEOPLE, LOWER YOUR STANDARDS SO LOW THAT NOBODY CAN EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU, AND CHASE THAT."
 ... I will not.
 "BUT YOU CAN NOT DENY YOU FEEL LONELY, THAT IS HOW MOST PEOPLE SOLVE THEIR ISSUES. WHY ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED!"
 Because... I don't want to be trash. I'd rather die at that point than to become that.
 "YOU KNOW WHAT? THEN GO AHEAD AND DO SO BY NOT GOING ON ANY OF YOUR ONLINE ACCOUNTS ANYMORE IF YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY."
 No... I won't do it.
 "SO YOU'RE GOING TO CHOOSE TO SUFFER FOR OVER 30 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE JUST TO BE A MISERABLE, LONELY INDIVIDUAL WHO IS SO SPACED OUT FROM EVERYONE? THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN NPC? THAT YOU WILL BE A POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND OF A WALL? TO BE A WELCOME MAT?"
 If that is what you call it, then sure...
 "YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE! YOU RATHER WANT PEOPLE TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES AND CHOOSE TO ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM ANYTHING BEYOND PLATONIC CONNECTIONS! GET REAL! YOU ARE JUST HURTING YOURSELF!"
 Yes... But that way... Nobody else gets hurt... Because I am a liability... to others...
 "A WANDERING NOMAD MY ASS! YOU SAY THIS BUT THE REALITY IS YOU ARE AFRAID OF BEING CLOSE TO PEOPLE ROMANTICALLY. IT TOOK SO LONG FOR YOU TO FIGURE THAT OUT BUT I WILL LET THESE EMOTIONS OUT RIGHT NOW ON WHAT YOU REALLY ARE!"
 ...
 "YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEVER DESERVE ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LIKE SOMEONE ANYMORE! YOU'RE NOT JUST NORMAL, YOU ARE A MONSTER. DO NOT USE THE AROMANTIC LABEL, I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT!"
 ...
 "YOU WANT TO BE LOVED, YOUR HEART IS NO LONGER NUMB AND WANTS TO LOVE BACK. BUT THE MATTER OF THE FACT IS, YOU ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF IN LAST PLACE. YOU MENTALLY ENGRAVED IN YOUR BRAIN THAT YOU COULD NEVER BE LOVED. THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS MEANT TO SERVE PEOPLE FOR YOUR BRAIN, FOR YOUR KNOWLEDGE, FOR YOUR WISDOM, AND NOTHING MORE. BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT WHAT'S YOUNGER, WHAT'S PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE, AND WHO IS THE MOST RELATABLE PERSON. YOU HAVE NONE OF THAT AND YOU MAKE UP FOR IT BY HELPING PEOPLE MONETARILY? WOW, YOU ARE SURE USING PAY TO WIN OUTSIDE OF A MOBILE GAME, NOW THAT IS CLASSIC!"
 !!!
 "YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A ZOO EXHIBIT OF SEEING SOMEONE SO DERANGED, SO MISERABLE, AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH PEOPLE, THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY LOVE YOU, BUT NOBODY LIKES YOU!"
 THEN DOES THAT MEAN EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE TODAY WAS A WASTE OF TIME!? 
 "YES, OH YES IT DOES. SO MUCH SO THAT I AM CYNICALLY LAUGHING AT HOW MUCH TIME YOU'VE WASTED CHASING PEOPLE AROUND JUST FOR A SIMPLE CONVERSATION. WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY ASK PEOPLE OUT? WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY SAY THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED AND WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM-"
 I DO THOUGH! I DO! WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP!
 "BECAUSE YOU DO IT TOO LATE AND GUESS WHAT? PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT YOU. BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS WHAT IS RELEVANT AND RELATABLE TO THEM THE MOST. YOU ARE NEVER NUMBER ONE IN ANYONE'S BOOK."
 BUT I... NEVER EXPECT ANYONE TO...
 "AND YOU GUARANTEE YOURSELF OF IT AS LONG AS YOU NEVER TRY!"
 But... I don't even know how to like anyone...
 "OH THAT'S RIGHT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT! HAH HAH HAH! WOW YOU ARE A MESS! SUCH A HOT MESS!"
 ...
 "THE TIME IS TICKING, GET TOO OLD AND GUESS WHAT? NOBODY WILL WANT TO BE WITH YOU! PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THAT KIND OF STUFF! HAH HAH HAH! YOU ARE A DAMN LOSER... WHAT IS THIS CHILL VIBES YOU TALK ABOUT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY ARE?"
 ...
 "SOMEONE WHO IS EXTREMELY PASSIVE, IT MAKES SUBMISSIVE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE DOMINANT PEOPLE IN COMPARISON! YOU HAVE NO CHANCE AT ANY FORM OF BEING CLOSER TO PEOPLE IF YOU KEEP UP THIS MINDSET. TAKE A LESSON FROM THE TOXIC PEOPLE, THE REASON WHY THEY CAN GET DATES CONSISTENTLY IS BECAUSE THEY GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT AND ARE RELENTLESS IN WANTING SAID PEOPLE."
 NO I WILL NEVER BE LIKE THIS! I'D RATHER BE ALONE AND FADE AWAY FOREVER THAN TO RESORT TO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I REFUSE! I DO NOT WANT THIS AT ALL! I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!
 "THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? BE PASSIVE FOREVER AND LET PEOPLE WALK PAST YOU? THAT IS NOT A VALID TACTIC BECAUSE YOU DID THIS YOUR ENTRIE LIFE AND IT GOT YOU NOWHERE!"
 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 "HAH HAH HAH! EXACTLY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING YOUR CHILL VIBES ARE DOING- NO WAIT, YOUR PASSIVE DOOR MAT TACTICS WILL DO TO YOU! YOU RARELY TRY BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID SO YOU NEVER EVEN ASK. THAT'S HOW PEOPLE ROLL THESE DAYS! THAT'S THE META TO HOW PEOPLE GET OTHER PEOPLE! BY ALL MEANS, PLEASE JOIN THEM!"
 NO, I DESPISE THESE METHODS, I WILL NOT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE ME AS A PASSIVE BETA PERSON, I WANT MODESTY AND WHOLESOMENESS AND TAKING THE TIME TO BE CLOSER TO PEOPLE BE THE BEST METHOD TO BOND WITH PEOPLE!
 "THEN START BY ACTUALLY DATING AND KEEPING PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP FOR MORE THAN THREE MONTHS! HAH HAH HAH HAH! I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A PERSON LIKE YOU EXISTS, BUT YOU ARE SUCH AN ANOMALY. NO WONDER WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS ALONE! BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING IT TAKES TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE AT FAULT, AND YOU ARE A COWARD. NOBODY WANTS THAT SHIT ANYMORE!"
 Ahhh... h.h.. nn.
 "PEOPLE WANT CONFIDENCE AND PEOPLE TO BE ASKED, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND WHERE PEOPLE ASK YOU. YOU ARE SO HOPELESS IN THIS CATEGORY! JUST STOP EMBARRASING YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO BE PASSIVE, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? THEN STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE, DON'T EVEN REACH OUT TO ANYONE ANYMORE PAST THE FIRST CONVERSATION. YOU ARE WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME! YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. YOU ARE SOMETHING ELSE. I HAVE HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO WITNESS SUCH A SOCIAL CATASTROPHE TO LITERALLY LET EVERYONE GO THAT HAVE POTENTIALLY LIKED YOU, OR THAT YOU'VE POTENTIALLY LIKED."
 Outside... of not being able to change a made up mind... which I will disagree with you on those... instances...
 "WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING? WHY ARE YOU LETTING PEOPLE GO? WHY ARE YOU LETTING PEOPLE CODDLE YOU AND HUG YOU? YOU ARE WASTING THEIR TIME. PUSH THEM AWAY. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYONE ANYMORE. YOU ARE EMBARRASING. YOU ARE WEAK. YOUR IDEALS ARE SO LOFTY THAT ONE MORE CRUMBLES AN ENTIRE TOWER. AND I CAN NOT BELIEVE PEOPLE FOLLOW YOU AND AGREE WITH YOU ON SUCH A MASSIVE SCALE."
 I... still want to live my life... the way I want anyway...
 "WHAT? ALONE? MISERABLE? ALWAYS ROAMING ONLINE BY YOURSELF? WHAT ARE YOU A LONER?"
 ... yeah...
 "BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO COURAGE, YOU HAVE NO BACKBONE TO EVEN PURSUE ANYTHING YOU WANT WHEN IT COMES TO PEOPLE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN! YOU WILL ALWAYS DESERVE THIS AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT LEARN THIS CONCEPT. YOU LET PEOPLE CHASE YOU AROUND ALL THE TIME. GUESS WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO BE RECIPROCATED BACK OR PEOPLE WILL GROW TIRED OF CHASING YOU AND WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE! A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY! AND THE FEW THAT STILL CHECK UP ON YOU? YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH TIME THEY ARE WASTING ON YOU! HAH HAH HAH!"
 Ah... I... am a waste... of time... I don't want to be here anymore...
 "SINCE YOU ARE SO PERSISTENT IN WANTING TO LIVE. THEN FINE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO YOUR LIFE AND BE A ZOMBIE!"
 "JUST EXIST IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND NEVER BE CLOSE TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN! THAT IS A SIMPLE CONCEPT YOU CAN GRASP! YOU ARE A NATURAL OF AVOIDING CLOSENESS, SO I'M SURE YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO DO IT."
 "THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE ALREADY DOING IT! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE WITH THIS."
 "YOU ARE NOT A HOPELESS ROMANTIC. YOU ARE JUST HOPELESS IN GENERAL ON A SOCIAL SCALE AND I AM DONE WITH THIS. I GIVE UP ON YOU! YOU CHOSE TO TRUST ME, AND I CHOOSE TO BETRAY YOU BECAUSE I AM SO DISGUSTED BY HOW LOFTY YOU HANDLE YOURSELF!"
 Ah... okay...
 I'm... going to live another day like no other... but it really feels like...
 I'm truly at a loss with myself and the fire that is built in my heart that encourages and inspires others... 
 It is gone... It is truly gone...
 I'm sorry everyone that I let you all down... 
 I lost...