Pasted

Now that I've had some more time to assess myself on a more fair playing field without any external events crashing on in, I can finally take a good luck at myself. 
 I have had my turbulent moments within the last couple of months, that is for sure. However, by persisting and continuing to move forward no matter what worries I had in my mind or the fears that I still carry... 
 It turns out that my persistence and perseverance in moving forward is the reason why that eventually good things have happened to me, and that I am currently here in the present to enjoy this.
 The biggest aspect I've came to terms with is something I have initiated on my own. I have said this to a few people but the word, "Appreciation" comes to mind. This is a word that I hold dear to me that I believe brings the most positive aspect even in a negative situation.
 You can like someone, love someone so dearly, or thank them for spending time with you in a general sense. It doesn't matter if they are an acquaintance, a friend, perhaps someone you're dating, or you used to know each other but are no longer in talking terms. Perhaps they have wronged you in some way. Now, the exception to this rule is if that person has caused intentional harm that resulted in your livelihood at risk... That is the exception where I will draw the line and immediately no longer interact with said individuals. 
 When the word appreciation comes in mind, the most important aspect to this is to enjoy that time spent in the moment, and savor the good times while it happens. Or, if there are sensitive or dark topics to be had, to enjoy that they have chosen and willingly trust you to talk about it. 
 What makes this difficult to appreciate is that state that the social landscape is today. Our entire social life is constructed on a "Game Theory" if you will. That it takes both people involved in the conversation to at least trust each other in a civil manner that you are both there to enjoy the activity present or to guide a conversation to something that the both of you enjoy. There is a trend from my experience that I've witnessed more people resorting to shortcuts or doing what's ethically gray just to gain more followers or more contacts to network or socialize with. When people find out that they have been compromised, people will put their guard up and close up opportunities to talk to other strangers. Do that enough times, and people will only talk to people they have made an established connection with before like friends, family and loved ones. After all, what is there to gain to take a chance to talk to a random person you don't know at all? It sounds dangerously risky! Or perhaps, you're not in the mood to talk to anymore new people because you are at your limit on how many concurrent relationships of all kinds you can uphold. 
 For the latter? That's more than fair. You do need to do what's best for your life. For the former? Well, it either leaves a lot of people lonely, bored, or missing a connection that they really need to fill in their life. Not everyone has the capacity to live on their own or be alone for longer periods of time. It is built on human nature that eventually, the person will want to socialize or talk about what's in their mind to someone they consider worth talking to. But when one needs to socialize really depends on the person.
 I'll use myself as an example. For the longest time, the idea of listening to a conversation and saying a few words here or there made me feel fulfilled. Do I desire wanting a deeper connection with someone? Eventually. However, my body rarely produces the feeling of intrigue or the ability to reach out to another person of genuine intrigue, curiosity, let alone liking someone in general. I used to think that because there was something wrong with me, and for most of my life, I assumed as much. To some extent, I was correct that there were some fundamental flaws on myself I needed to work on myself. I had general bouts of sadness within me, I used to think that people come and go and when people go, that means your usefulness ends for another person. Almost like a transaction. But it turns out: Yes, I have a point in what I just said about the transaction bit, but as a person who mostly lives by themselves for just about my entire life... That is all my subjective viewpoint. That everyone else has a completely different point of view and perspective of how they view life. And naturally, I have improved myself on everything I've said in the above in a generally good way. So I can at least relax a bit more on myself.
 You see... You take yourself and your abilities for granted, but when you manage to keep in touch with people who have different mindsets that they are prone to be weak with what your biggest strengths are at and that concept is realized... It brings a whole new level of appreciation that both parties involved need each other to go over a particular issue or concept that has bothered their mind. Not all people are great at dealing with confrontation directly to defeat problematic people/issues, and not all people are great at having soft speaking skills and empathy to calm someone down without making them feel hurt or upset. But because I took a long time dealing with myself, and coming to terms with myself... I feel that now I can benefit and have the freedom to choose who and how I interact with other people instead of living in several fears of worthlessness, self-image, and feeling used. 
 Just because I came to terms with myself, does not mean that I have some sort of super powers a protagonist has. Though my crazy work hours and my fortitude to be thrown just about any social situation I'm in while dealing with it is commended... I am still subjected to only one primary problem now: What my mind produces in the moment with the unpredictability of when it will cause me grief with a particularly deep mindset is going to be my biggest enemy within myself. However, I realize that I myself have control, my mind itself is its' own right a free will thinker that will eventually give me things to question, to challenge what's around me and within myself. Some days I end up losing, and I write about it. But that's part of life's challenges when facing yourself. I think everyone has an individual mental challenge of sorts to face themselves with. It could be a minor or a major thing, but as long as people acknowledge that it's there and they will make progress, most people will end up being fine. Not everyone mind you, but it is a very important step at least to recognize that and make some sort of progress. 
 Now that the air is clear and I can see myself in full on the interior... It seems that in terms of what my mind desires now... It's not much more. I have been passionate with things I do want to go for, whether they are other hobbies, other people, or the like. I've done them all. I've socialized with other friends I care about. I've played the video games I've been looking forward to. I've been editing avatars. I've been tweaking some A.I. stuff as well. I've been watching those flavor of the month anime when I feel like it. It's the idea that a lot of people already have their primary group of people to hang out with and have a system that works for them. In turn, I'll do something that works for me:
 I've been a full time nomad and wanderer of the internet for just about my entire life. Even when I've ran my Discord servers, I've did my time in terms of making those places as great as it can be. People have been on there for years, also growing and having the next chapter of their lives or even exploring other online spaces similar to what I have. But they've all thanked me at some point or time in spades, and for that, it is a very nice feeling. When asked if there are people to see in person that's around my local area? I tend to do that on a yearly basis if that. And there are several people nearby me to which I've extended the invitation, but haven't had a set date lately, so I figured at the least I have more time for myself. 
 The concept of not having a go-to or a primary group of people to confide in like a nomad, the lifestyle is not for everyone. It drives people to feel lonely. In my case, the lifestyle chose me because of my endless curiosity of meeting all sorts of people outweighs the thought of, "Hey I should drop by and check up on how said person is doing" or leave a silly message from time to time. I already did my fair share of those, and my mind itself I'll admit, tends to be a one-track mind when there's something that catches my interest, I'll often walk towards it and interact. I always come into public spaces meant for socializing with no expectations. The small talk and hearing what other people tend to talk about, it feels nice to listen to a conversation that is meaningful. But more often than not, most conversations tend to be shallow, close-minded, and one-track minded to talk about rumors, drama, and the like. Not too much of a fan of those. For the other conversations, I stumble upon some conversations where the conversations to listen to are nice, a fair share of people will talk about their past life about how their best friend or partner did stuff and it's nice to hear that people do get along, but you can't really relate to that experience because you were not personally there when those moment happens. That leaves to a lot of listening and reacting as the best form of a response, and the occasional question or two. 
 [The Key Of Those Negative Journals]
 Now, even I have my own fears. But those fears I had in particular, there was no shortcut of getting over them. They really needed to come out of my chest, to vent, to ramble, they need to be voiced. By voicing about it, while in the moment it felt like suffering is an eternity... There are small breakthroughs that get me aware to knowing I thought like that. Instead of shaming myself about it, I ask myself, "Well, since I felt this way... What can I do to turn this around?" and often times, the answer lies within knowing what I have control over that I can do for myself. In just about the majority of instances, I eventually came to the conclusion of, "That's how life works and how people socializing works." In most cases. When I realize I lacked a desire to do anything else anymore but have small conversations when it came to socializing with people (which I did not realize it for a long time, I assumed something was wrong with me), I ended up calming down and saying, "You know what? As long as I get to do the things I enjoy, that's all that really matters. If people want to join me and hang out with me? That's a nice bonus, but my mind and body right now just wants to wander around and see what people are all about." 
 [Why do I rarely get any messages from you or you join me, Crit?]
 Lately, it is difficult for my body to reproduce the wonder and joy of wanting to hang out with the person more. You could either see it as me being rude, or see it as a person who simply lives life simple. 
 Because across the board: I rarely message or keep in touch with anyone due to this condition. This is not something I consciously decided to do. This is my body and mind feeling this way. 
 I'll put it this way: If we had a discussion before and it ended positively or had a good time talking? That means I still enjoy it, it's just that my body very rarely produces those feelings. In that respect, I'm likely grayromantic. I had considered looking into if I had the 'fear of intimacy' and 'Agoraphobia'. As for the fear of intimacy, that used be a thing last year but as I ended up finding people who I enjoyed the concept and idea of getting closer and knowing that person more, the fear of intimacy was disproven on my end. Agoraphobia is not it either as I am used to enclosed spaces, and well I have to leave the home to go to work nor have I felt those symptoms of them lasting no more than a week or so if I did feel a fear of enclosed spaces, leaving home alone, devalue relationships, and so on. 
 It's... That I've been used to living alone for most of my life that I figured that is how my life worked, and how I function as a person. I do say my two cents on the matter and feel invested when people do talk to me, help them out on said issues and such, and give them a great conversation when that interest in talking to me is felt. Otherwise, I have came to terms that a lot of people are busy with their lives and have their own priority of people to see. I know my worth...
 But if I am a background character to most peoples' lives, then it is what it is. I'm more focused on enjoying my life in my own terms. 
 If you've been lurking and reading these entries on your own time a lot more than us hanging out? Hey that's fine. That's kinda low key what a parasocial relationship is like with your favorite VTuber at the end of the day. The reason why I have been persisting on blogging myself at this point is to let you all know that if you come across someone with these similar thoughts, let them (or yourself) know that it's possible to continue living life as long as you find what makes you happy first. The common mistake is becoming co-dependent on another persons' validation as a means to live. Because not everyone will be there forever. This is probably why people say the old long adage to "You should love yourself first". I think it is extreme for someone to love themselves. 
 I prefer the term, "Coming to terms with yourself". That's the step that's often not mentioned before you can actually "Learn to love yourself", if you will. 
 While I have a bucket list of things within myself to resolve, I feel like I've crossed most of them off that list. 
 Let's say, you somehow feel the same way I do (or similar) and feel like your mind and body lack those feelings of being closer to other people and wanting to hang out with them. But you don't oppose to wanting to talk to people. It's just that your body doesn't have a preference of who to hang out with. You know what? That's more than fine to feel that way...
 Because you rather want to be with the people you need to be instead of being with the wrong people. And if there are no options available to you in the moment. There's nothing wrong with you. That just means you get to live another day. By worrying about it, it will end up making you go through a deep rabbit hole that you do not need to go through. There's no need to doubt yourself anymore. Take that opportunity to enjoy what you want to do.
 In my case, I feel like it's time to get out there and exist again in the public space. Play the games I want to play, and work on the hobbies I wanted to work on. If anything extra comes from it? Do your best to cherish it, and be vocal about wanting to set something up like a movie night or a time to talk more often. If you attempt to set it up a couple times in good faith and they do not give you a clear answer of a yes, then by all means, you should carry on to doing what you find fun. Because people do move on eventually, anyway. And that's with, or without you. It's something just about all of my friends are doing right now. It is what it is.
 You might as well make the best of it.
 As for myself? I'll still exist somewhere and continue to listen onto conversations in public spaces casually and take it a day at a time.
 And let's say that's all my life surmounts to until I kick the bucket? Then I'm happy that I got to at least live my life and gave it a genuine shot of interacting with other people. That I got over my fears of socially interacting with people and more importantly, my own social anxiety.
 That's what it truly means to be a drifting cloud that flows like a riverbank, after all.