In order for things to become better with life and the way you want the world to become, someone will have to take the initiative to give something of value of themselves.
In most cases, it is simply time spent with another person.
As people grow and start to have preferences of what they like, who they want to be with, and all that. The world becomes so vast to the point that really, you no longer feel like a protagonist. That you're an ant in comparison to the entire world.
I care about people who made a difference, and I realize that those people will grow to have new perspectives, new interests, new passions. Statistically speaking, not everyone will stick around forever with you. Even if you do care a lot about someone, not all people will reciprocate that form of affection and such that you desire.
Yet you still want what's best for them anyway, so you decide to give it your all until they move onto the next chapter of your life.
And in due time, eventually I move on to the next chapter.
As time moves on, it seems more people realize what they want in particular is to settle down with a certain size of people, and certain individuals at that. Forming close knit friend group and the like, and sunset like that.
Myself? I still wander around to this day, for almost my entire life. All the effort given is definitely helpful for the others, and you've given so much.
Then I realized that I was so generous with giving myself, I never thought about how often I've received or have been reciprocated back...
The fact that I barely remember being reciprocated back, it should be a very sad thing, no doubt. But sure a piece of me always lives in other people because of the amount I give.
But I also understand that in due time, I'll too eventually just settle down on laying in one spot. Sitting there by myself. I gave so much that I ran out of energy. So all I do is sit there. I let out all my emotions and fears, but because I became the stump. My capacity is now reduced to that one spot.
All I am now, without any nutrients, is worse than a wilted plant. Dry and souless of what used to be me. Yet like a cactus, I try to persist and get any form of hydration I can. Sure, I've built a very rough exterior. I've become synonymous of what a cactus is. Cactuses are great at surviving without much nutrients.
But a cactus still without any nutrient, is still as such. A husk. It runs the bare minimum needed to survive on a mental capacity.
For I have closed off my needs or wants for anything close anymore. I figured everyone got what they're looking for, and that's good.
I don't think anyone else has to get involved with what I'm going through.
So... I always stare deep in space until I hear a voice that wants to interact with me. And I'll just follow that voice, interact with it until it is content with what it wants. They eventually leave. The cycle repeats with every single stranger I've met. Most strangers I've met end up being the one or two time deal.
Being a cactus in an unusual place can sure stick out, yes. But not everyone knows what a cactus is capable of. It seems very spiny, so people are intimidated that a cactus is quiet. Yet if you slice the inside of a cactus, it is the softest thing ever. That is, if one has the courage to get close to such a thing.
For that is what I am. I exist. I rarely ever initiate a conversation. I just sit there until my name is called. My expectations of being close to people became non-existent. Because cactuses are made to survive the harshest climates.
In my case, I am made to survive the most deepest thoughts, the meaning of life and all. But also, the cold hard truths and realize that as long as I continue to function as the cactus, you can't have much of an interaction with a cactus as much as a human being who has emotion, who has feelings, who can give you affection, who can give you attention. For those are all desirable things required for people to become closer. People enjoy the idea of being vulnerable and being taken care of by someone really special.
Since a cactus appears to be so resilient on its exterior, it seems that the cactus is really great surviving. But the idea of getting close to a cactus can hurt, it appears very prickly. Who in the right mind would a human want to touch something that seems to only hurt you?
And those people are right. That is why most people will choose to ignore a cactus at the end of the day. And it is a natural human reaction. It is fine. Being left behind and ignored has always been part of my process.
Being able to witness all kinds of experiences as an outsider, has really only been the silver lining. I've learned a lot about people, so I can survive longer as a cactus.
But at the end of the day, to many people, it doesn't make sense to be closer to a cactus. Even if it can provide thirst if you cut the cactus right. But not a lot of people really know how cactuses work.
So, it is only natural that I will be left alone, as the cactus.
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