Pasted

The Monologue and the Precursor
 A Nomad in a Wasteland With Troubled Thoughts - https://pastebin.com/b6Md3atp (June 22, 2022)
 Volume I 
 Entropic, Grand Sky, & Mind Labyrinth Arcs - https://pastebin.com/NxpK0cHe (Aug 23, 2022 ~ Mar 20, 2023) 26k words
 Kingdom Hearts Arc
 Coming to Terms with Myself - https://pastebin.com/7BCTxuVR ~7.8k words. (March 26, 2023)
By Becoming a 24/7 Convenience Store Just For You - [Current] ~5.3k words. (April 9, 2023)
____________________________________________
 It seems there is yet an overarching thought I've had for just about my entire life. Rain or shine, it eventually sticks around at the back of my mind...
 On a social purpose, it seems I function exactly like a 24/7 Convenience Store such as 7-Eleven, Lawson's, Circle K, and other Gas Station like areas. Bare with me here, we'll go ahead and explore the concept of being a Convenience Store.
 Imagine you're in a mood to have a snack and you're on the road. To see one of those convenience stores is a blessing. From there, you park at the location and get the various snacks you're looking for. Maybe a magnetic fridge of the state because you like to decorate your fridge. Get your large fountain drink. Perhaps along the way, you meet other people who are also on the road and randomly talk to you about where they're headed or simply for small talk. You go to the register, pay for your items, take care of last minute business with the restroom, and you then proceed to move onto to the destination. 
 What a cool concept, right? Except if we spin this around and personified this idea, it tells for quite a different story.
 Hunger and thirst of an individual will be replaced with a social battery. 
There are always a finite amount of people, or snacks to be with. 
Everyone needs water, hence those are essential people such as your doctor, or other professional services. They're there out of necessity rather than to be social.
 When that hunger and thirst are fulfilled, the person will be satisfied and full. That means, they will no longer seek having those experiences as they're content with what they have. 
 That being said, I've on a daily basis roamed around online alone. Always have been. People will have their cravings or favor towards seeing certain individuals. They are naturally their best friends or their loved ones first and foremost, followed by various communities they are participating in whether it be party worlds, game worlds, or amongst other creators.
 Perhaps because I'm used to the idea of people coming and going, my mind ended up over time, losing interest to the concept of growing attached to other people. I do get genuinely surprised on the rare occasion that someone has expressed their interest in seeing me more often, but I also see those individuals also have their own lives and other people they're more interested in. And you know at the end of the day, that's just how life works. 
 [The first fundamental truth I need to accept is: I'm not as important as other people as people claim me to be.]
 Right away, I know after reading this entry, you're going to immediately message me or tell me by voice that it is not true.
 In terms of sheer numbers, since I have met a lot of people on the platform... About 0.015% of my list (I'm in the 2200 range) actually keep in touch with me regularly or people I have been really close to based on our interactions. That's 33 users over the span of my time in VRChat of my almost 5 years being active on the platform. Now there are much more people that fill that number but those are more for people that have recently seen me. Those people end up falling off much quicker on average as you can call those individuals the "Flavor of the Week" before the falloff happens.
 Now... I do realize that the impact I create towards others have been very impactful, I'd say it is in the 100's range, and most people initiate adding me after having a decent conversation. I've had several people close to me say otherwise, and I personally thank those people. I believe in them. Whether I give my two cents on certain topics or I listen to other people when they need to vent. That my friends are getting along and are befriending each other. Even the rare occasion of being closer together, even thanking me for finding their significant other through knowing me. For that, I'm eternally happy. 
 Eventually, people do move on. Time is a limited resource, I'll always respect people's right to choose who they want to spend time with. 
 In the process of knowing myself, and being so selfless. That's just probably it, my lack of desiring other things outside of having nice company may be the reason why there's a noticeable gap when people attempt to get closer to me. And the fundamental reason why I feel so lonely. 
 I'll be honest, when I realize the source of my loneliness, that is pretty devastating. I honestly don't have a way to conquer that feeling because that particular feeling is based on the reality of how life works... But at the same time, I know the only way moving forward is still being myself. And of course, resolving most of the mental road blocks that I've tackled over the last couple of years. March of this year (aka the Mind Labyrinth Arc), was that time I tried to resolve it on my own full time for that entire month. 
 [The second fundamental truth I need to accept is: Life happens, and people ultimately decide who they should spend their time with. You can always ask and suggest people that you're interested and want to be there more often. But it is up to them to choose that option.]
 More often than not, I don't really get a response back or the invitation gets rejected. That means I can choose to spend that time as I please. Though I will admit that you could only go so far attempting to meet new people that it seems like a blur. If anything, meeting a lot of new people and not meeting anyone fulfilling or significant after a week or more, or meeting people that are really nice to be around and only see them one or two other occasions and that's it... It can be discouraging, disheartening even.
 It almost implies to me that in a sense, I am doing something wrong. Maybe it is because I am that easy to reach out that there's not really a sense of urgency to reach out or follow up with me. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but being nice to people is not something to simply praise on a person. Because people really want certain experience. People want to be loved, people want to relate with others, people want certain individuals to pay attention and notice them. Yet somehow, I lack those capabilities for my body to naturally desire those aspect. 
 Or, I could entirely be overthinking this, and I'm not doing anything wrong. Rather, it is the simple idea that people who are better suited for each other will naturally grow closer together. That life happens and people get busy. That it is entirely coincidental at times, but I am more inclined to believe that when people find what they're looking for (whether it be a goal or another person), people will strive and will chase for that. 
 It is entirely fine that it /seems/ like everyone is very busy, but does it automatically equate to nobody wanting me in any capacity?
 Logically speaking, no. But on a day like today? It really feels that way.
 [The third fundamental truth I need to accept is: I'm completely alone in feeling this way, I'm completely alone in dealing with this, and I don't think I can be saved in that capacity. I need to (and already have been) warning people about how I operate for people who intend to want to get closer to me.]
 This feeling is probably the fundamental reason why I still have a hint of lingering sadness that slowly builds up over time. It ends up making me sit back and think to myself, "If a lot of people praise me for being nice to talk to, then there are also a lot of people that can offer a nice time to talk to. Perhaps with more common interests and a desire to want to talk to more." And in that case, I could be seen as someone easily replaceable. 
 As I've told more and more people about this, they've eventually commented after hearing the details that there's not really anything else they could comment on. If anything, when I talk about most of this stuff, most people I know have been saying that.
 This further pushes the idea about my current situation, and coming to the conclusion that I just have to deal with this.
 [The fourth fundamental truth I need to accept is: "I joined in on you because my friends were all busy and I couldn't join them."]
 I get this comment almost every day, and it's another one of those comments that on the surface, it seems harmless. But to get this comment consistently AND from different people each time? That's... kind of depressing. It implies that if they were available, they wouldn't see me. It's basically the feeling of being the filler content. This reason in itself is probably the leading cause of the convenience store theory. As I've written this, it happened to me twice already in a span of a couple of hours. So moving forward, I'm just not going to take that comment lightly and say it for what it is: "Alright, so if they were available, then we wouldn't be having this conversation now? I see." and I already did that to one of them. If this happens again? I'm just going to flat out remove people. I don't care anymore, this is ridiculous and I've lost my cool on this front.
 [The fifth fundamental truth I need to accept is: When I receive a confession, I'm going to self-check myself if I'm ready for one in general (decline if I'm not ready), and if that passes, follow the "Trust, But Verify" model.]
 What equally makes me upset is when someone says how much they love me, but do not reciprocate that in the form of wanting to hang out more often even when offered. Unless communication has been said regarding the absence, I will just simply put in as much effort in terms of how often I get responses from and move on from there. I'm done playing games on this front.
 [The sixth fundamental truth I need to accept is: I've chosen this path to represent myself as someone who wants to talk to other people casually. Therefore, I need to bury everything else I've felt that I've literally written from all the above... and just get back to treating everyone equally. In a casual way. Nothing more.]
 Now that all of those terrible thoughts are out of my thoughts, we need to rewind back to allowing myself to be happy over the little things. Being happy with just a five minute conversation with a random person who I end up never seeing again?... Or manage to survive several hours of The Black Cat lobby to feel "Just okay"? Start meeting people you haven't seen in over a year or three and have a good conversation then and coming to terms that you may not see them again for a while?
 Yup, I'll count it as a win and move on. That's all there is to it.
 [The seventh fundamental truth I need to accept is: "You need someone that can take good care of you."]
 ...................
 This is a quote I received from someone who has a significant other for some time now. And while that's nice to hear, the reality is that again, only I can really take care of myself. Always have been that way.
 To hear something like this now is wishful thinking. I'm only going to deal with reality here and see right now that: I'm alone, I work diligently, and I have a lot of spare time to do things I want to do with my life.
 [The eighth fundamental truth I need to accept is: If I continue to trend my nomadic ways, I will be alone for a long time.]
 It has been that way for the last 10 years, looking forward to the next decade.
 There's also the idea that when I first meet someone, I usually don't talk about myself unless people ask about it. And instead focus on what's current or things we do have in common with various topics. 
 That's simply because I like to keep things simple. And not dump everything on other people. The nature of social platforms is that: "To chat in a casual environment." And I'll stick with that. It's simple and that's been the leading factor to meeting more people.
 /Personal Note: My mood has shifted quite a bit and it became for the better after this point./
 [The nineth fundamental truth I need to accept is: I do take a lot more effort to get to know than most people when I'm past the 'chill' phase. I also realize I take up a fair amount of resources should anyone want to know my flaws. And since then, a lot of people have quit on me or backed off since, and most of that is intentional.]
 Once upon a time, I used to be afraid of this idea. Though I've since realized my best counter is being myself in three different modes depending on my mood.
 The first tier is where I'll end up saying hey to anyone that is within the area. This is where a lot of people perceive me as 'friendly'.
The second tier is me being casual and just relaxing in an area, and I'll let people approach me and speak to me first before I reply back. This is where a lot of people perceive me as 'chill'.
The third tier is when I'm not feeling well emotionally or mentally, I'm just going to say I'm not doing good. Only when people want to directly ask how and why I feel that. Only then, I'll speak about it then, but I deliberately don't give anyone details until that happens other than saying "I'm not feeling good, how about you?". That's been my protocol with talking about myself for just about my entire life. This is where interesting enough, either people awkwardly leave, or they end up becoming a worthwhile friend that consistently sticks around. There's no in-between in this category.
 Now, the funny thing about this is if I met an exact clone of myself in all areas and aspects... I would personally make some time for them, but I even recognize that I can be overwhelming if people realize that about me.
 At the same time, this is why I make these entries. This is a key tool to filter people out who are either incompatible with me, or don't want to deal being around me in the prospect of getting closer to me. And that's fine and fair at at the end of the day. 
It is more than fair at the end of the day because let's be honest and real, who in the right mind would put their personal journal out there and let the whole world read and see for themselves with a MAJOR amount of personal things about myself? I'm not talking about the bloggers that do a surface level of their "What did I do today?", this is revealing almost practically my emotional and mental state...
 As far as I know, only I would do such a thing.
 But you know what? I want to break that barrier of entry and talk about myself anyway.
 You see, the risk factor in doing so people can stalk and manipulate you over reading this kind of information. I recommend people to journal about themselves, that's healthy. I don't necessarily recommend people to put yourself out there to the degree I am. In the first place, you're open for criticism, and if you're someone that currently runs a large circle of people like a community, I think the last thing most people would want is a sheer amount of volume of people to respond to you. That can be quite an overwhelming experience. There's also the idea of chasing away people that would potentially get closer to you if you put all your information in an easy and convenient way to read up on you. But from my perspective, it's admirable if people tell me straight up that they've read my stuff and can have an honest discussion with it, whether it's good or bad.
 I've even have people who flat out told me they tried to read this and it's difficult or they've skimmed it. What matters is that they've tried. But unfortunately, that also means to me that I'm not able to be closer with that individual in a romantic sense because of it. 
 Me? My risk factor is almost non-existent. Because a lot of people that click on this, stop reading after the second sentence, skim it through to see a huge wall of text, flat out give up, even ghost or remove me over this. And you know what? Good for them. There's also the fact that I don't really use social media, nor do I run or manage any large groups that are currently active. (No my Discord Servers don't count in my opinion because they are large, but they are not as active as they are.) 
 There's also the idea that in the event that there are instances that people can relate, that my entries shall live on forever. I will become the science project of the definition of a person who is not mentally at their best state, but fights relentlessly no matter what with their problems, how they solve their problems, and so on. 
 That's definitely an interesting way to live my life, and I'll stick with that. My life after all, has been 90% a solo experience.
 [The tenth fundamental truth I... Actually, I am distinctly aware of this one: I am a very mysterious person even for people who have been reading my entries.]
 I will say off the gate that my emotions lately are almost transparent as day whenever I do speak or have a lot of motion to my body.
 The mystery aspect comes to play because well... It's about time I talk about myself in terms of social interactions.
 Realize this: Despite me saying a lot about myself, let me survey you reading this:
 What kind of games do I like to play?
Do I work? If so, what do I work as?
What hobbies (besides video games and computers) do I actually partake in?
What clubs or activities did I do before?
Where do I live? What places have I lived in before?
Do I have pets? 
When's my birthday?
What's my favorite drink?
 Here's the thing: You could easily known that information, if you asked about it. And I guarantee about 90% of you don't even know any of these questions, or at best, maybe two of them.
 Why is this the case?
 When I hang out and talk to people, I actually don't have small talk about myself all that often unless you get me to do one of two things:
 A) The easy way around it is asking me about it directly.
 or
 B) You give me a good time with the conversation that relates to the topic at hand, that I'll eventually talk about it.
 If you don't ask me questions, I will almost never speak about it. It's because I focus the conversation based on what other people want, not what I want. I don't have much of a desire to talk about me on a personal level in terms of the "Hobby" aspect per say, but I am open to talk about how I've been feeling. Because to talk about how you feel and when done right, will encourage others to do the same. In turn, everyone wins because the environment to talk in is very chill and open, that you can easily be yourself without being afraid. 
 A lot of people, if not almost everyone, really wants a nice place to talk in. That's a human desire. 
 I even push aside any feelings and interest with other people just so I can rather focus on having a good time with people in the room. Because at this point, I feel like it's more of a fact that I... Don't really think anyone should be close to me without realizing what they're getting themselves into. I won't turn down the pursuit, but rather it's a courteous thing to do to state how've you been feeling and how you think. It is valuable information for people to make a decision on whether they want to interact with you, or go somewhere else.
 To be interested in a person enough to turn something platonic into romantic, is fundamentally a 50/50 split between taking care of yourself, and taking care of the person you designate as a partner. People need to know all this information in my opinion in order for that relationship to last now, and in the long run. All I will focus on at the end of the day is providing good company. My mind is not going to stray from that path until someone intervenes with that process. 
 At the end of the day, as humans we gravitate towards people who make us feel better and will naturally chase people who make us feel better. I unfortunately rarely experience that, and when that does happen, it tends to be usually a once-in-a-lifetime experience so when that dies off, it will take more effort on average to awaken those types of feelings again. After all, you are dealing with an individual who rarely develops these sorts of feelings. 
 And even if you've managed to read all of my entries, that's at best the end of the surface level of myself and the beginning of learning myself in a deeper level. You will still need to ask the right questions with me in order to get the most value out of myself. 
 I'm going to spell it out for the uninitiated, but: Everything I write on my statuses and bios on any respective social platform you see me on? That is all written with intent. If something strikes you as curious, I highly recommend you should talk to me directly about it. You may be surprised at my responses. 
 You could say I'm as mysterious as a DanganRonpa, Zero Escape Series, or one of those "Escape Rooms" if you're not cultured enough to know where the first two are from, but instead of escaping from the room, it's more about you knowing more about me. 
 [The eleventh fundamental truth... I did not realize I was practicing but it seems like I've been doing this since the start of my journals is: Radical Honesty]
 Very fascinating... A certain adorable database (heh heh heh...) has told me the idea of "Radical Honesty".
 You see, there was a long lost friend I cherished about two years ago that I finally caught up to. Our conversations have been the most intellectually stimulating in a long while. They're always detailed and explore even new ideas I never realize. I would say, I am always fond of the idea of having discussions that lasts all night long because I value their thought process and the ideas they bring to the table. It is quite fascinating, and I'd do anything to continue having those lovely discussions anyday.
 Anyhow before I get too sidetracked...
 "Radical Honesty"
 What is even this? Well, Radical honesty is the practice of complete honesty without telling even white lies.
 The biggest question is: Is this viable?
 Well, I'm a living example of it between my journal entries and interacting with me. Does it work out for you? For the people that I've asked this question to previously (in a somewhat different way), across the board: Yes, people love this kind of honesty. 
 But the reality here is: I don't use radical honesty 100% of the time. I'm actually more of an empathetic person than anything else. Here is my perceived breakdown in terms of how my mind works in social situations that calls for solving another persons' issue:
 50% Empath
25% My Personal Experience 
15% Radical Honesty 
10% Other Peoples' Experiences. 
 Which when you simplify it, boils down to:
 75% Myself
15% Radical Honesty
10% Experience obtained from others'
 The next biggest question is: Is it right to use complete honesty?
 That's where things get tricky, and it's simply because not everyone is fond of the idea of conflict or backlash if they say the things they say. That's why people end up silently removing, ghosting, or what have you. It stresses them out too much to deal with the direct confrontation especially when a bad thing is happening. 
 I say it depends on the person and the situation it calls for. I'm not a fan of kicking someone who is already down and I simply let people know that "No" is enough and especially if that's all they ask. If the person asks "Why" or if I sense there needs to be closure, then I will go ahead and say the reason. 
 It's also the platform that you're in that matters a lot. When you think of a place called "VRChat", it is clear that people are there strictly to "chat" on a casual level. The last thing people want to do at the end of the day is become other peoples' therapist. Yes, even some of the INFP's (myself included) are speaking out about it. Even though they want to help you, they do so knowing that they are struggling themselves. But they do it because they find it worth their time and will make them feel better knowing that they can at least do something positive with their lives despite the internal issues they face.
 The other element is in romantic or intimate relationships, the number one thing from my experience is people want a lot of comfort and know that their support will always be there by their side. That's a human nature thing. Everyone wants that. Because the damaging part about radical honesty is: It appears extremely blunt and insensitive. You can have the most sound and logical responses back to the individual. But it can easily mean nothing, even a negative value, if that feedback or response you provide them is straight to the point with no reason or response. Things such as "No you're not allowed to see this person." or "You need to stop smoking or you're gonna die." or "You're getting fat." and not leave any reason, context, or a setup to get into that response can really damage some people on a mental level. 
 To master radical honesty is to basically know how to use it, and especially when to use it. If you're not comfortable with using it at all, then do what works for you. A lot of people only speak with what's needed to be said and while being nice about it. I'm not a fan of people with-holding feedback that can be crucial for another person if they're doing something wrong. Example: Breaking boundaries is an easy one, most people I know when their boundary is broken is they 'don't speak up about it and hope it goes away', which never works for anyone that I've heard about... Now, if it's something uncertain or it is a coincidence? That is understandable. But if it's clear in the aspect of them forgetting something even if it is an honest mistake such as incorrectly saying one's pronouns, it's more than fine to say "Hey, I just want to let you know I identify as 'this', thank you." And that's cool, the other person gets honest feedback and it gives them a chance to correct it. That's good! 
 However, being radically honest at the right time can save you from a lot of stress and trauma. You know, it's not meant for everyone. To be radically honest is a lifestyle decision one person chooses to take. With my particular background and skillsets, being radically honest for me is a natural fit.
 But I also had moments where it definitely hurt other people. And I best use radical honesty as a means to provide closure regarding myself. When it comes to other people with the whole "he said / she said" sort of deal. I take a step back and only deliver what the other person consented me to say to people who are no longer in speaking terms. The other tricky aspect of radical honesty is that I don't recommend using that in regards to what other people say about themselves. At the end of the day, that's their business. Not mine. I'm not a fan of intervening on other people's business until they specifically ask for me, and I personally analyze the situation and likely just give out the advice there without even showing up. Because adding more people to a situation only makes it more difficult. More points of failure.
 What I'm basically saying is: Nobody likes drama. I know you don't like it either. So only stay for what you need to do and then leave it alone after. That's a free protip regarding how to deal with drama. 
 You're welcome for that Public Service Announcement.
 [So just like a 7-Eleven or any convenience store, they always have the lottery tickets there. What are the winning combinations?]
 Intellectual
Empathetic
Warmhearted
Socially Stimulating 
Mutual Shared Activities
Strong Core Values
They're Unique and One of a Kind
 Since you've gone this far reading this journal (or most of them), I'll let you figure out what all this means. 
 You might as well get a Big Gulp while you're at it, because I'll be mean and end this on a 7-Eleven mystery.