Entropic Arc The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7 (August 23, 2022) The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR (Sept. 25, 2022) The Time Dilation Effect (Part 3) - https://pastebin.com/AAa2iAxa (Oct. 12, 2022) The Ultimate Sacrifice (Part 4) - https://pastebin.com/SvbkA8FC (Oct. 24, 2022) The Nomad's Guide to the Digital Life (Part 5) - https://pastebin.com/S21MY4pN (Nov. 9, 2022) Grand Sky Arc Dawn of a Stoic, Holistic, Intimate, Empathetic Hero (Dec. 6, 2022) - https://pastebin.com/7FSs02ZK Love is a Physiological Motivator, Not An Emotion Nor Object (Jan 22, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/0tdqg0Jb Being Near and Dear (Feb 2, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/frZCb4q7 All While Being Far and Discarded in Thoughts (Mar 8, 2023) - [Current] Retrospective: I've been reviewing the summary of my past entries in terms of the mood I've written them. The first four I've written are negative. The fifth one I'm neutral. But we've had three entries, or three months of reporting a boon, a big positive because I came to that mood on my own terms with after the help of several people. It's about time to get to the current entry. ______________________________________________________________________________________ I dislike saying this, but I'm in despair. After a decade's worth of a journey with my mind and rebuilding it back to its prime, setting my objectives clear that because I've felt quite lonesome with my own thoughts. I figured, "I want to meet all sorts of people. I want to meet unique sort of individuals of all kinds, get to know them, and experience all that life has to offer." is something that makes me feel quite excited to aspire and pursue. In due time, I did get what I wanted. I felt great. I felt happy. I felt amazing to the point it felt like the world was my oyster in terms of what I wanted to do socially. But... That mental stability all went out of the window. It's all gone in the span of a month... I couldn't be more devastated of myself. With the thanks of being able to voice out my thoughts and feelings to a very select few individuals and typing these entries, I've at least narrowed it down to how it works. I will say this right now: I'm not in control of what my mind dwells on. I know some of you out there have said before, "Stop overthinking XD". If that's all it took and if I have the capability to do that, then honestly I wouldn't of written all these entries by now, been a silly e-boy and go "Unga Bunga Hey Grill What's Yo Snapchat XD". No, I refuse to become that. The origins of how my thoughts work would really boil down to how I was raised academically and professionally. I've made it all the way to college with Computer Science and Mathematics with Advanced Calculus, so my mind is extremely sharp at problem solving in a general sense that it did become my passion. Brilliantly over time, I transferred that problem solving away from formulas, and now I've applied it to people issues. For those of you that have personally came to me for life issues or personal help, you can thank me for that. More specifically, my mind. I can't even credit myself for it really. I've trained my mind to become a library and database of the things I find enjoyable, practical, or overall useful for other people when socializing with other people. Yes, it sounds really great in paper and the execution is even better than ever. What's the cost of having this mindset? My mind now costs a resource. It is called enlightenment. If I don't sate my mind on the topics of its' choosing, it will give me heavy consequences. One of those consequences is being depressed. If it either lasts longer than intended, or there are a lot more topics my mind demands the answer for that I don't fulfill in time, it will basically put me in a worse state than intended. I do sympathize to some of you who have joined me in a lobby breaking down and crying... That is part of the deal after all... In the past, it used to be a topic like making a best friend from scratch, or finding ways to get out of retail. Which I've fulfilled them. Now, it became more complex. The biggest thing my mind's been seeking of is the meaning of life. For those of you that are in the loop, I've summarized my mood and said, "Imagine wanting to watch your favorite show that has yet to come out, but a friend spoils the entire thing for you? Now imagine that being my brain spoiling the entire concept of life itself." It's a whole different aspect when life gets spoiled and when you see the big picture, hear from what other people that are currently living their life is like. You could see it as, "Yes you go to school to graduate there to either go to college, a trade school or work jobs to eventually get something better, then you eventually find someone you really want to be together for most of your life alongside a few good friends, then you do the whole 'American Dream' meta which consists of getting a house, a couple cars, kids, maybe a pet, then boring paperwork, then taxes, then you get your fancy tombstone eventually." I've said this before to several people that life can be as you make it to be and it's been the advice that cheered so many people up. But why can't I take my own advice? I'm too self-aware about this concept, so it doesn't work on me. That's the biggest detriment to my mindset. I'm just that self-aware on so many concepts that it is very difficult to find almost anything to enjoy anymore. I'd even argue it's affecting me in many aspects of life, except for my professional life because they love big brains there. You could say for every compliment I get, I seem to get more detached to the concept of receiving them because I'll be honest... Was it really me that they care about, or was it because people praise my answers which really came from my mind. The thought of it crossing my mind made me feel rather discouraged, but I'm going to go on a limb and believe in my friends that have stuck around, drop by & still able to reach them as evidence of that. As for when to doubt or double check ideas or words that are being said, my mind does a good job living in a healthy amount of skepticism, making sure that what I've been reading or hearing is true. It has saved me more times than it has harmed me. But sometimes, the times that it does harm me can be overwhelming. Some of you may know my jokes to be an attempt of either downplaying myself or sometimes out right self-deprecative. For myself, laughter is the best medicine and if I can get a chuckle out of my jokes, then it's good progress to me. Recently, there is a wildcard element now of my mind flat out having episodic panics of seeing myself in the future where I'm still fighting these issues in my mind years later while just about... Everyone else I know and care about have moved on to bigger and better things. Living with their roommates or significant others, starting their careers, finding love, all that fun stuff. I am aware that life is not a race, but to spend so much time against myself... I'll be honest, it's discouraging and it crushes my morale to the point that it makes me want to cave into the pressure and give up for the day. It's the hardest battle I've yet to resolve and win. The times where I feel better is really when my mind ends up running out of steam from trying to deep dive into the meaning of life or how society works in the current day. It used to mislead me for a bit, but I realize later on that it was the case. At that point, I stopped being happy about the small things because I think to myself, "It's a matter of when before the next wave hits me hard against my mental state." And I used to try really hard at it, but it got nowhere. I've had better results these days to just accept that there will be a time I'll have to face the conflict head-on. It's going to suck, but that's the only realistic option and choice I have. I've also heard of the support that came my way when facing this, and the company does make me feel better. Make no mistake. But without solving the root cause of why my mind wants to behave this way, or coming to terms fully that it's just how I operate and finding a way to live with it in a way that it doesn't impact me as much... I can't guarantee any good news from myself on a personal level anytime soon. I'll go a bit off-topic here and I will say some final words for now... I know there were people who offered or want to hang out with me more often in the beginning but end up being more distant over time. I've decided to put more of a priority on myself as a means to find peace within myself. It's not fair for people that want to get closer to me have to deal with my current self. So, I've basically limited interactions unless that person is fully aware of what they're getting to and are willing to put up with it. By that definition, I call that a great person to be around, and it is definitely a sought out trait. Go be friends with them, and even go on a date if you desire. I'll be the first to say: I'm not worth your time to get closer in my opinion because of what I'm dealing with. This issue of mine is something that has lasted me for most of my lifetime. It just comes in different forms. I can't guarantee when I'll ever be consistently feeling better. Time is a limited resource, so is happiness. And if there are people out there that you truly enjoy, then stick with those people. And not me... In my current state, I'm technically two feet under before I croak. Enough about me. I do want to address something to you, the one reading this. I'm actually happier to know that several of you have reported recently that you all have new friends or partners that treat you really well. Perhaps you were able to get into the college of your choice. Got the job you wanted perhaps. Or you finally get to move out and move in with people you enjoy being around. Please, take good care of them now. The true treasure really are the people that you decide to keep. That's all I wish for you, the one who is reading this right now. You're welcome to have your own adventure and I'm going to leave it up to you to decide where life takes you. There are bigger and better things out there than myself, and you got potential to always look at the bright side. I know that for a fact. After all, a captain's gonna sink with their own ship with the choices I've made and this creation I've developed called my own mindset... I'm going to set you free now. You're in control of your life and if there's something you really want, then give it your all. I've unfortunately ran out of steam for now, so the next best thing I can do is to hang in there. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Goodbye now.