Previous Parts: The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7 The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR The Time Dilation Effect (Part 3) - https://pastebin.com/AAa2iAxa ————————————————————- Come have a seat, right there will do. At this point I’ve given myself shy of two months to deep dive within myself on how I’ve been feeling, and the conflicts within myself. But that’s just the interesting thing: They just come and go. And when they do show up, it hits me harder than a brick. To summarize what I’ve been through so far in the previous parts, I had the fear(s) of the following: - The fear of never being back to the way that I used to be (with the whole laughing being a guy that jokes around). - The fear of never being enough for anyone. - The fear of reaching out to people in general on anything more than a simple conversation. - The fear of letting people down. - The fear of being left behind, forgotten or not remembered. - The fear of the course of life going through at an accelerated rate. Now, there are days where I do feel so great and thankful for being alive and appreciative of every single person that has been close to me, allowed me to take chances with being closer, and having time to drop by and check up on me. I feel like I’m living life. I get to hear all sorts of stories from various strangers online, it’s great. There are some tragedies hearing the peoples’ stories. For example, I came across someone in their 40s who has a wife and kids… Or rather, had. The wife passed away from cancer. And on top of that, they were transitioning to a female and had voice dysmorphia about it. I’ve hung out with this person for a good hour almost, and the least I did is taught them the ability to voice act and passed my knowledge and practice onto them. She was quite impressed about what I could do she squealed. Just like that, her frown turned upside down, and I do feel better knowing that I can make a difference to someone I met. Which checks off some of the fears I had above. I felt amazing. The newest symptom within me had occurred… That actually broke me on the inside even further than I imagined. - I was not able to have the ability to love anyone romantically anymore. As in, it either went to a coma (with it waking up on the rare occasions), or it sometimes feel like it completely died off. - My capacity to be intimate became limited. And at this point, it was tear breaking. It was frustrating. I internally cried several times a week over this. To not have a heart anymore, does it mean I’m either defective, a monster, or am I a robot? I kept scrambling around, looking up if I was possibly aromantic or the lack of feeling romantic feelings. That wasn’t it because I had felt that before over the summer. It definitely caught me out of the blue, but I cherished every moment of it. It felt heavenly to feel that unconditional love regardless of what you look like, or how goofy you are. Or the imperfections about you. When I learned what it felt like to have that feeling, I embraced those good memories and let them be just that. I know what I’m good at and taking care of others is my speciality. But the biggest lesson for me to experience is to be prepared to find my own way of living my life that makes me (and me alone) happy. To which that lesson is both the easiest and the hardest for me. The easiest part is that I’ve identified that the one thing that keeps me coming back is VRChat and all the potentially great people I’ve met on the platform. I already have a full time job I can maintain that is at least relevant to working with tech. I haven’t found anything else I want to spend on my spare time except to just hang out, vibe and put myself out there in public lobbies. The hardest part is to face those fears, those temptations of wanting to latch onto any company to the point of co-dependency. Which I know is never healthy in any context, plus it contradicts my philosophy of everyone having the right to choose their life the way they want to, and people should be given options. Not be forced into doing something they don’t want. Now, an argument can be made to simply say, “Hey Crit you should just go for it and rapid fire speed date people. Time to go use dating sites lmao”. You see, the reality is a fair share of people are conscious about where people are at in their walk of life, and I’m an older person so it seems like people want someone who is set and ready to settle down and have a family. I’ve never married anyone before, and I take things slow. If you’re not able to spend time to hang out with someone and get to know them more over the course of several conversations, then to me, it kind of defeats the purpose. It does not help much that those places are made with a one-track mind. You use those places typically to date, not so much to make meaningful friendships and bonds that could grow into something better. To which I got asked that question by a friend of mine over the weekend, “What do you think love means?” And I replied with, “Ideally, it needs to be an unconditional love for someone that you also respect well enough that you can see having a long future with that person.” While it sounded like a good answer he replied back with, “Honestly, you’re gonna be looking for a really, really long time if you want that kind.” And they were not wrong. The last person that I had romantically date outside this year, really happened shy of 9 years ago. I spent half of that fixing myself mentally to a stable condition, and climbing up the ladder to something more stable career wise. A ton of overtime sprinkled generously. Despite all the issues I’ve discussed from before… I actually do have a solution to face all the fears I’ve had, old and new. It’s rather the only thing I can think of after giving myself those thoughts. While I had reservations doing so… For the sake of my sanity and to have a long term peace of mind of being able to move forward with a new chapter… This is what I’ve conjured up: I’ve came to the conclusion that the next best thing I can be, is a reliable friend for those who want my company. I know that I am a relic of a different time now where socializing used to be just talk and chill. A lot of people are moving at a faster pace. It is unanimous across the board every single person (stranger to even a significant other) that I make people feel comfortable and completely relaxed. Even allow themselves to be truly themselves, and to feel comfortable knowing that I’m always around when they need to speak up or say something. Those words make me close my eyes and smile. I have decided for now until the end of my life span, that I will continue being that comfort junk food people desire. And to live in that mantra, it will require a lot of willpower and especially several things I will lose out on to the point that I may cut off a crucial human need. It means I will no longer pursuit love on my own accord. It means I will always put others before me in most cases, with the exception of having my own basic needs being met first. It means I will have to come to terms that I may live the rest of my life alone, romantically. It means I will have my mind completely be changed around regarding romantic relationships by not putting myself in the equation anymore. It means I will live my life and assume that everyone else has made up their mind with what they want in their life, and not to interfere with anyone’s social plans anymore unless people want to hang out. Now, life may give me surprises and who knows, it may surprise me yet again. I could possibly take all this back at a moment’s notice… But given my track record, I can see the writing in the wall, I’ll come to peace with the things I have above me starting immediately. And in exchange, I will at least finally live the adventurous life I always wanted all online. I know this will be very controversial of me to write all this alongside with what I’ll say next… and it will upset a fair share of you. You’re more than welcome to message me back about anything you are concerned about. All I honestly desire at the end of the day… Is to continue hearing and listening all sorts of stories from people living their life, chill about it and move on. Or in the days where I’m not feeling as well, I’ll just listen and lay there. Not say a word until someone mentions my name or requests my presence. No love is required to hang out with me. For I am a tool, another body that has a set of ears, a mouth to talk, and a mind filled with experience. Really… If you found what you’re looking for with your life, then keep it close. As for myself, I believe that the wanderer’s life was meant for me. I’ve been a nomad for almost all of my life, and it seems like for the vast majority of the regulars that have known me, I’ve done a great job being a filler episode of a Naruto anime… I’m glad that I will be remembered as someone who has contributed positively to humanity. I’ll at least take one W and be remembered for that. Alright everyone… Moving forward, I will keep moving forward and continue to enjoy the day to day moments. For I am done with love, my true happiness now lies with filling it with as many adventures as possible, giving words of encouragement to those that need it. The next time I close my eyes for good, I know I can rest easy that I did more amazing things to other people’s lives than I can ever imagine… Thank you… And I’m sorry that my heart is gone… But at least I am still here. Just think of me as a used car that has been through a lot of wear and tear. Eventually life carries on, and people get replaced all the time. I am no exception.