Entropic Arc The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7 (August 23, 2022) The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR (Sept. 25, 2022) The Time Dilation Effect (Part 3) - https://pastebin.com/AAa2iAxa (Oct. 12, 2022) The Ultimate Sacrifice (Part 4) - https://pastebin.com/SvbkA8FC (Oct. 24, 2022) The Nomad's Guide to the Digital Life (Part 5) - https://pastebin.com/S21MY4pN (Nov. 9, 2022) Grand Sky Arc Dawn of a Stoic, Holistic, Intimate, Empathetic Hero (Dec. 6, 2022) - https://pastebin.com/7FSs02ZK Love is a Physiological Motivator, Not An Emotion Nor Object (Jan 22, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/0tdqg0Jb Being Near and Dear (Feb 2, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/frZCb4q7 All While Being Far and Discarded in Thoughts (Mar 8, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/Gtk5ShFj That Ends With the Mind Becoming The Labyrinth That Nobody Finished (Mar 16, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/XSzGRnkw Mind Labyrinth Arc DESPAIR (Mar 17, 2023) - [Current] _____________________________________________ It's been a few weeks since I've been facing a lot of turmoil within my own mind. If it's going to take a while longer to face these terrible thoughts that I can't overcome... Just like Survival of the Fittest, if you can't adapt to the environment, then you can't survive. A person's got to work in order to to eat. In my case, if I can't resolve myself, then I don't deserve anything good that has happened to me thus far. That would mean all the friends I've made, the people that have gotten closer to me, that means it'll be taken away from me until I can overcome what I must deal with. Now every time I come across a good friend, I'm reminded of such wholesome and great memories. While it does sound really nice to feel that way, it is shortly replaced with vivid nightmares about people distancing away or seeming very far, like a mirage. Each hug would feel painful as the longer the hug, the more they would fade away and disappear from my life. Every nice compliment or nice quote from them, ends up fading away in the distance. It ended up with me in agony, not wanting that to happen. But more and more people keep adding to that daydream. The cycle constantly continues... The kind words, the voice eventually fades away. The warm hug, their body eventually fades away. The nice messages, start to become incoherent letters, then they also fade away. The genuine compliments, eventually people surround themselves with their own group and walk away in the distance. I attempt to wave and join them, but they all eventually fade away... I don't have any way to ground myself, so my mind ends up spiraling out of madness... Bit by bit, my mind robs more of what makes me happy and takes it away from me. It took my affection away from me. It took my jokes away from me. It took my aspirations away from me. It took my enthusiasm to meet new people away from me. It took away my personality from me. It has yet to take my wandering nature of stumbling around random people away from me. It has yet to take away my ability to communicate all this. What used to be my greatest strength, my friends, somehow that's used against me with my warped mind. I know not all of my friends are doing well, and to make them worry about me on top of that is a conscious I could never ignore. I ended up feeling awful over it. No matter how many times they say to reach out or come find them, I can't seem to have the energy to reach out to them. And even when I do have the energy, my entire body grows shivers over imagining their personal trauma. Which in turn, ends up with me running away. Being alone with work also doesn't help as more or less the daydreaming from earlier will repeat itself. And by the time I arrive at home, the energy used to muster off the events from work end up fatiguing me to the point that whichever mood I'm in, carries over. I couldn't even hide my emotions anymore even if I wanted to. My voice these days now sound like my soul is gone. And as more people ask if I'm okay, it only overwhelms me more in a fit of rage on the inside. But a lot of tears on the outside. As I'm constantly reminded that I used to be a great guy to be around, that I'm funny and all that... I've passed on many opportunities because of that, and it only hurts me more over time with what I used to be. I am so livid with myself that I've been telling my closest people to get away from me, I'm not this 'Crit' you know anymore. That you all deserve to find what makes you happy and cling to it. For I have spent countless hours wandering all by myself. Almost nobody interacts with people who are loners with their head tilted down. Now it's all about if you got that 'rizz' or if you have a hot looking avatar, or if you sound nice, or if you have the ability to move with you body virtually. It seems the demand for people who want a simple fun time getting drunk or high a lot seems to outweigh more than genuine conversations. Maybe I really don't belong in this place anymore. If all these bad things happened for a reason and more people have moved on, it's probably a sign that perhaps I'm no longer needed. My company is no longer needed as it is replaced by friend groups and people close that they naturally have really great synergy. My expertise is no longer needed as you can always use Google, which I don't mind that. My warmth can easily be replicated by either a blanket, or people they naturally bond with a lot more. Which I'm happy for people finding each other. Happiness is definitely a limited resource. I could offer as much of a helping hand as I could when I don't tolerate other people feeling down. Yet when it is time that I fall down, there seems to be nothing waiting for me. Maybe it is a sign that I should probably sunset myself. This world is mostly filled with a dog eat dog world. People are just content fighting with drama or gaslight as a means to interrupt or ruin other people from having a good time if they are not able to get what they want. As much as I'm doing my best to persevere through the storm, I too, starting to feel like I'll fade away and slumber to the point of hibernation. But despite my desire to not want to interact with the general public, and yet at the same time I do... What really binds me here is the idea that if I've personally helped other people out... I will just have to see to the end on how their personal stories turn out as a part of me gets very curious to see the next chapter of peoples' lives. However, it becomes more difficult after experiencing all I have thus far. There's still too much in my mind that I have to sort out... For I am in despair.