Entropic Arc
The End of a Saga (Part 1) - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7 (August 23, 2022)
The Road to Finding Inner Peace Within Myself (Part 2) - https://pastebin.com/rXaQxdwR (Sept. 25, 2022)
The Time Dilation Effect (Part 3) - https://pastebin.com/AAa2iAxa (Oct. 12, 2022)
The Ultimate Sacrifice (Part 4) - https://pastebin.com/SvbkA8FC (Oct. 24, 2022)
The Nomad's Guide to the Digital Life (Part 5) - https://pastebin.com/S21MY4pN (Nov. 9, 2022)
Grand Sky Arc
Dawn of a Stoic, Holistic, Intimate, Empathetic Hero (Dec. 6, 2022) - https://pastebin.com/7FSs02ZK
Love is a Physiological Motivator, Not An Emotion Nor Object (Jan 22, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/0tdqg0Jb
Being Near and Dear (Feb 2, 2023) - https://pastebin.com/frZCb4q7 [Current]
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The curse of having such a brilliant mind is that it leaves no stone unturned, even uncovering the darkest of places.
I’ve been told that I’m a good person because I willingly want to help other people. But I never really even asked the question:
“Why do you help other people?”
For what seemed to be a few minutes, to my perception it felt more like a few hours digging into that question. I’ve never been challenged with this question from someone else. My immediate tuition would think it’s because it feels good to help others, but I actually did not accept that answer. Because I know there’s a logical answer behind why I do that I do. So I was in a state of being thoughtful, yet letting my mind free roam at the same time, allowing it to dig through my memory banks.
The next answer that came to my mind was something that I was aware of. That solving people problems are just like my favorite subject matter: Mathematics. Except with Mathematics, only data, algorithms and unless for example, solving for X in a quadratic (or higher) form, there’s typically only one answer. And for just about everyone, the journey to getting to that answer as well as finally figuring it out? It’s boring, and not relatable. I get it, I’ve even taught this stuff as a previous job before for a University. Whereas solving people problems with what life ales them is more relatable, more fulfilling, and it gives individuals a peace of mind when they find an answer that explains a lot about their behavior and a way to improve their overall quality of life. Whether it’s just a simple positivity mindset or having someone they can trust to talk about their problems or even sort through them, it just feels good to get to the root cause of why someone behaves the way that they do.
Yet I was still not content with what I was given. So, we deep dive into my mind even more. To the point that everything was abstract. I decided to trust myself with my mind and let it do its’ own thing. There was a very faint thought that ended up getting louder, it felt rather meek. But with some clarity, I was able to hear this thought clearly.
“… I just want other people to be happy, because for the longest time, I wasn’t happy. I really wished that I had this help from myself from the me of Today, and had that version of myself talk to me of the past. I wasted almost a whole decade of misery just to get to where I was…”
“I considered myself in this timeline a failure because I took a long time to even get to where I was. This world is a terrible place, no doubt. A lot of people only think about themselves and are attracted to more superficial things such as the amount of followers you have on social media, or if you manage to attract someone that looks beautiful…”
“So… I know that if I shine a light on people, hear them out and say my honest two cents… And let them know that they don’t have to accept the status quo that’s being given. They’ll feel better, and I get to live a bit in their hearts and memories before I even kick the bucket.”
When I spoke out with my voice, the only thing that I could say was, “I help people because I want to give people great memories, so that I can live forever… You only truly die if you’re forgotten…”. My eyes were leaking with tears before they eventually turn into a waterfall.
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Meanwhile the quest to uncover what is missing within me is still ongoing. I have mentioned before that I rarely develop romantic feelings for another person. It seems that from feedback from several people, it’s fine to feel that way. Though, because I’m constantly in my own thoughts, I am more self aware about how social interactions work and the way life works. But because my mind deep dives a lot, my mind seems to fade away and I start to feel indifferent with a lot of social aspects. The constant that I know is to quell my curious mind by finding answers within myself. It takes up a fair amount of my time that I end up not leaving time to hang out with anyone. I make it a rule of thumb unless people are willing and show up personally, I don’t reach out all that often unless it is of emergency nature or for business. This is because I end up mostly in silence with thoughts instead of focusing on the conversation at hand.
To be that completely different from other people to lack a heart, it almost made me feel defeated. That being able to love other people should come natural and easy, so what’s the problem myself? Some days and some nights, I end up twisting and turning experiencing those thoughts as if they were a nightmare. I even have some thoughts of just simply taking a break and walking away from everything because I feel like I’m not human for lacking this, but at the same time I know that I am because I have fallen in love a couple times last year. It’s a conflicting mess that ends up having me deep in thought, bothered and a fear of missing out.
I did have a discussion a couple of nights ago with a friend I haven’t seen since the holiday break and discussed that I rarely ever have romantic feelings. I came across someone who has went on 8 different romantic relationships within a year and to me, it felt odd. Only because I know that my body uses up a lot of energy when it gets to that state, and I do like to take time to know someone more.
What ended up concerning me the most is that because I ran out of this love emotion or state, does that mean I’m done being close to people? Does that mean I’m wasting people’s time if they like me? Because we do live in a world now that any form of intimacy is appreciated and will cling onto even a fraction of that.
My friend replied to me with, “You know, just because you lack something doesn’t mean that it isn’t a problem. It’s the fact that despite how much you struggle, you still keep moving forward. And people are attracted to that. Even if you are not feeling at your best and that your heart is not there anymore. You still choose to do what you do and I’ve witnessed you in these public lobbies that you still answer or hear other people’s feelings and issues they have, and you still do it with no hesitation.”
“Because in a way (with your actions)… You’re creating your own heart. Even if you don’t feel like you have one…”
Hearing that last phrase made me think for a while, and I’ll admit… That I haven’t even thought of it that way. It was rather refreshing to hear such a unique perspective. While it did not resolve the current concern that I have, it does explain a lot about my character. And it felt nice to hear those words being exchanged to me.
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What can I really do to combat these feelings? It pains for me to say that requiring more time on this matter is the only practical way I can see that works. Perhaps I have yet to meet people who can really deconstruct what I say and provide feedback that makes me elevated to the next level, the missing puzzle piece I’ve been looking for.
For certain though, my mind and body are starting to feel distant. Almost like I’m an astronaut looking down at Planet Earth. This particular journey is going to be quite turbulent in a psychological manner.
To truly find meaning with my life despite what I am missing, despite what I lack. All I know is that continuing to talk to people and finding people that can challenge my mind is perhaps a big factor I’ll be continuing to explore. But I unfortunately will also have to move forward with not being understood. As the Ace Spectrum have also had their fair share of being yelled and misunderstood.
As for me? I’ll just continue to live as I normally do. Except if my mind presents looming thoughts, then all hands on deck in taking care of that. Sometimes it results me in fleeing in the moment and living like a hermit crab, not wanting to come out of its’ shell.
I’ve almost been like that for a couple of weeks now whenever I’m by myself.
One step at a time now…
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