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Date Start: July 10, 2024
 It has finally reached to the last week of my break before I go back to work and I feel like I’ve relaxed enough to where I am ready to write down what’s been up in my mind.
 Before I get to writing, I like to thank everyone that had showed up or left me kind messages last week in time for Crit’s Golden Day for 2024. It really made my day to get to be in touch with all of you.
 =================================
 Interesting how far I’ve come in the last several years. To the point that the fears and internal demons within my mental psyche are all defeated. At this point, what is left for me are two things: Enjoy what’s in front of me, and overcome the new obstacles my mind sets out for me. 
 I’ve experienced several lows, but the several highs I’ve experienced, several of those moments are people I’ve gotten close to or made a breakthrough within myself. I felt really good on my highs, and the lows I’d say half of those were outside my control. 
 Today is one of those nuanced feelings that I’ll write here and now:
 I do love myself.
However, the window to love another person is perplexing.
But what I look for really, is not something that can be described easily.
 I have spent some time to myself while on my break and have come to terms with several things about me. I’m glad I sat down with my thoughts for a while as I feel like I’m getting a lot closer to knowing my identity, where I stand with myself, and what’s been in my mind that is sticking out.
 There was a Journal Entry that was being worked on in June but it turned out to be more of a long term project than anything else. That will be on hold. The one that I claimed to be the most comprehensible thing that goes on in my mind on the full workings of myself. I need to be in a certain mood to write that, and I feel like now is not the time to publish it quite yet. We need to take steps in getting to know me more with this entry. 
 I’ll break this entry into two parts:
 [Discovery of Self - A Critical Hit FAQ]
[My Dream Is an Ideal That I May Not Live to See - Journal Entry]
 ***Note that [My Dream Is an Ideal That I May Not Live to See] will contain sensitive topics and deep thoughts. Tune out if you’re not into that.
 ———-
[Discovery of Self - A Critical Hit FAQ]
————
  /Identity/
 > I’m Demi & Hetero, with Reciproromantic/Reciprosexual tendencies. 
 What that means, is my main attraction is forming a strong close bond of the opposite biological traits of me. I’m a male.
 I like to genuinely spend time with a person in both a public setting and eventually a private one to gauge my interest and take it from there.
Some people are really great at talking about hobbies I’m interested in. Perhaps they’re funny to be around with a casual conversation. Or they have a holistic and wholesome viewpoint. Or even the complete opposite of that. Hearing many different viewpoints fascinates me.
 If someone is really sweet to me (under the condition that it is genuine), I tend to open up more. It is not a guarantee though. That all depends on how the individual’s personality is and the interactions we’ve had. 
 > What people say on the surface level about what I am.
 I’ll either come off bright as a lightbulb, laughing up a storm and goofing off a lot.
Or I’ll end up being more reserved, kicking back and chilling to myself with occasional deep thoughts.
 I’ve been told quite a bit that I’m generally nice to be around, but the ones who know me well will say somewhat of a different story. 
There’s also the illusive comfy vibes people have described as well. 
 > Well…
 At the end of the day, the best advice I can give about myself is to be yourself so I can better understand you.
 /Myths/
 > “Crit you sound tired.”
 If I’m tired, I’ll snore and pass out. 
My soft spoken nature and me laying down make it seem like I’m eternally tired all the time.
In reality, I’m not tired. 
 If anything, if my voice is more dry, it’s allergies.
If my voice sounds very weak, it's likely something else different in my mind and you may have to inquire about it.
 > “I don’t want to bother you Crit!”
 I leave myself readily available to join on VRC about 80% of the time.
And you can always leave a message. I don’t bite.
 > “You never DM me Crit!”
 The best thing to assume is: I’m likely doing my own thing.
 I’m simply a person of few words with DMs, but if I end up typing long walls of text. I’m still interested in talking to you. There’s just nothing much I can do to comment on without your input in DMs unless I know what kind of stuff you’re into. 
 I’ll occasionally link people content that may be related to their interests. 
 Outside of that, it’s solely on the last interaction we had. And in most instances, it’s likely a simple message or response to a meme or what have you. To which you did nothing wrong. If anything, any content to consume is nice. So thanks for leaving those silly videos if you’re the kind of person that’s been doing that in my DMs.
 > “Are you OK Crit? I can’t really tell sometimes…”
> “<Insert problem here> You should have told me this sooner Crit!”
> “Why don’t you talk about your issues more Crit!”
 See /Internal Issues Within Myself/ and you’ll have a better idea.
 /Socializing with Crit/
 > The most important point to bring up: The best way of getting an answer from me is to ask me directly. I’ll be direct back as well, keep this in mind. This goes for any subject manner or topic you bring up. Things such as asking when you want to hang out, or if you’re stumped on something I’m knowledgeable in. I may write a wall of text depending on your inquiry. So be prepared for that as well. I am the kind of individual that if no questions are asked about myself, I won’t talk about myself all that much.
 > The second most important point to bring up: My social statuses is the easiest way to gauge my mood in the moment. But at the same time, it may leave a lot of silly messages on VRC at least. If it says something that’s not silly, well then take caution before approaching me. 
 > The third most important point to bring up: If I write walls of text to you and it’s not regarding my professional life, tech support or issues? That’s the best sign that I see you as an invaluable person and will always be eager to keep in touch regardless of how long time has passed. Congratulations! 
 > My way of definitively knowing your gauge of interest early on is if we keep in touch within the first two weeks, or if you tell me that you’re interested in hanging out with me more. I will reciprocate that and see how far it goes.
 > If I have left a few DMs consecutively (more than three) with no responses that at least span across a few days, I’ll close the DM and assume life happened to the individual or are no longer interested in messaging me to respect their boundaries. 
 > The same goes to Orange Status individuals on VRC. By default, I do not send or request invites at all. Unless the individual says it’s okay and to go ahead and send a request, I will send a couple of invites and gauge accordingly. 
 > On VRC: I will tend to favor individuals more who do not mind hanging out in public instances and are adaptable with hanging out with a group from time to time. I have had a fair share of individuals who like to request to hang out with me that’s not in a public instance and I don’t mind doing it from time to time. However, if you are the kind of individual that complains often about public users being mean or scary and are easily afraid of that, I’ll keep in mind of your preference not to be in public instances. In exchange though, I will end up seeing you less often since I like to have at least 50% of my time dedicated to new experiences. I will even state clearly that I will likely see those individuals less often because I prefer to be in public instances more often. I have on the record told a couple of individuals this.
 > I tend to talk more if what I see, the hobby or topic in question piques my interests, or are good company (mutes included).
 > I’ll tend to avoid any conversations that are shallow, narcissistic traits or have the Andrew Tate personality.
 > The ratio of how often I like to spend my time with is: 
 On an Ambiverted Day: 
 30% New People
30% Flex / Anything Goes
20% Friends and Regulars 
20% to Myself
 On an Introverted Day:
 80% to Myself
20% Flex / Anything Goes
 On an Extroverted Day:
 80% Friends, Regulars, and New People at the same time.
10% to Catching Up With People I have not seen in a while (Typically VRC, Occasionally DMs)
10% Flex / Anything Goes
 > For the people out there who only say “I’m only here for you”, I respect that answer since that is with genuine intentions. However it is not something you should publicly say in a group setting as it will generate animosity on your end.
 /Internal Issues Within Myself/
 This is going to be the most popular section of them all as this is something I get asked on a weekly basis, or people have been wondering while lurking.
 > When an issue internally within myself arises, I default to taking care of it myself first.
 This seems to be a weekly discussion among my friends that have reached out to me and always ask if I’m okay. I appreciate that a lot that you ask.
 Though it is a hard habit to break out of because I grew up living most of my life having to handle problems on my own. In most cases, I end up resolving them on my own and go back to business as usual. If it is a new issue I’m coming across, I will likely discuss those details to those close. If it is a re-occurring issue such as things I’ve written on my blog here or if I told you specifically what it is, I don’t repeat it and mention it is the same thing I’ve discussed before I’m dealing with. 
 At the end of the day, context is key and if I am in a space where I want to socialize, I prefer to focus on just hanging out and live in the moment because I’ve identified that I did the best I could with the issue at hand and can not progress with it further, for now.
 > What are some signs I should consider looking out for Crit? And what do I do?
 For the most part, I’ll be direct about it when I do feel off. I verbally say so, or my status explains it all.
Or I’ll end up rambling about what’s been in my mind.
 In the rare event that what I’m going through is so profound, then keep in mind of the below:
 For Discord: I appear offline and it is approaching a week. In that same respect I will not initiate DMs towards others. 
For VRC: I go non-verbal and end up distancing myself away from other people in an instance. Friend or Stranger alike.
 You have two options: 
 A) You can inquire about how I’m feeling. This is the riskier option unless I feel close to you, I’ll explain why below.
B) Leaving me alone. By default, I always do my best to resolve my own issues. This is the safest and most recommended option. 
 The former is more of a risk if you go past the asking how I’m doing phase, and I do not want individuals who are not ready to see me when I’m in my most vulnerable state. If anything, I have chased away several people who have attempted to console me while I was in that state out of people being overwhelmed or at a loss on how to respond to the things I say and the only thing they can do is listen. However, if you manage to pull if off successfully and do more than just listen… 
 Well, that is why the people who are written in my website are there and have made it this far.
 But seriously, approaching me in that state is not something to be taken lightly. You need to consider your state of mind before approaching me as my mind goes quite deep with the thoughts that plague me to the point it can easily pull other people down if not prepared.
 Consider this a warning. 
 > When I ask if you’re okay and you say no, I ask why and you give a short response (such as, “Just a lot’s been in my mind but I’ll manage.” Or “I’m just facing my inner demons right now with my thoughts and I just need to come to terms with it…”), but I want to know more-
 Just leave it be. I spoke with the intent of ending the discussion of my self for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons are the following:
 - My internal issue is something that can only be resolved by coming to terms with it.
- I am not ready to have that discussion yet.
- I am not interested in elaborating further and would prefer to focus on talking about a lighter topic.
- I do not have the capacity to put those thoughts into words yet.
- I haven’t seen you in a while nor known you well enough to discuss this further. It would feel rather rude to talk about that kind of stuff to people who only got on to just hang out casually. I may also need more time to get to know you as well.
 Now, if you’ve hung out and known me for a while and I still give that response… I see you as the kind of individual to have casual conversations with. It is a case-by-case scenario and I’ll directly communicate or message the individual in question regarding my self.
 As an example, I had an individual who insist on wanting to hear me out because I helped them be there for them when they needed to ramble about something. They feel like they want to pay me back a favor. But because the individual is very confrontational about getting to know my personal life including scoping out on potential individuals interested in forming a romantic relationship with me “just to make sure they’re legit…” and wanting to meet them.
 Yeah no… The end result of this situation is: Being on the blacklist. It is quite unsettling behavior in my honest opinion.
 > Blacklist from Crit’s Personal Discussions?
 This rarely happens, but in order to get to this point one would need to be invasive, harassing or generally unpleasant to talk to regarding personal conversations. 
What this means, is I no longer have any interest talking about anything personal about myself to you. And at most, I see you as an Acquaintance.
 Having disagreements or debates is more than fine, I encourage those. Just not the above behavior that was mentioned a moment ago.
 You’ll know if you get this if verbally say so or write a wall of text regarding this and that I’m no longer interested in talking about anything personal directly to you nor hearing any responses regarding the entries I write. Results may vary based on the context of the situation and in most instances, I will simply tell individuals that I need more time to myself. That in itself is not a bad thing. But if that boundary is crossed, then it can potentially escalate to a blacklist.
 Blacklists are usually permanent once declared. If this continues to be an issue, I will no longer keep in contact.
 > What have these internal issues you’ve been dealing with previously?
 Go read the past entries.
 > Before I end this segment…
 I do spend a fair share of time to myself in order to become a better version of myself as much as I can. But like a human being, I won’t be 100% optimal nor efficient. What I learn from my struggles I can at least share those experiences to help others better. 
 So good job reading this far. 
 Now onto what’s been in my mind recently.
 ——-
[My Dream Is an Ideal That I May Not Live To See]
——-
 What gets me up and out of bed, really?
 If I were to remove my friends, my profession and my hobbies out of the equation… I couldn’t put my finger on it for a while there. 
 But I realize that what gets me out of bed is the thrill of new experiences seeking new people.
And the idea of experiencing for a brief moment in time, to have a true genuine conversation where it feels quite natural to be yourself. An environment where one can truly be their own personalities, grow from each other and enjoy every second of where the conversation will go. Whether it is something lighthearted, or something serious. Or anything else in-between, the entire duration of that conversation feels holistic, complete, and a general sense of comfort knowing that you’ve had that experience.
 That to me, is the ideal. But that ideal is not something one can do alone. That’s the biggest flaw of my ideal. It is dependent on people. It is also dependent on myself consistently pursuing this with as much energy as I have.
 For many years, I’ve been seeking that experience. But in order to get to that point, I had to overcome my shortcomings within myself, spent my fair share of time with that and now that’s been mostly settled, I’ve been eager in chasing that.
 It first started out as something to be hyped for. But over time, it dwindled a bit. Eventually I came across several wonderful people into my life who just about all of them came and went. I did feel a sense of happiness when being close to someone happened. The process of getting to know someone, to be very excited talking to them. Then eventually life happened and for the most part, both sides have moved on.
 It seems that I am stuck in this cycle of where I am eager to see what’s new, the thought of conversations and being with people won’t last forever. Regardless of whether you’re acquaintances, friends, even in a romantic relationship… It is a paralyzing thought to say the least. It’s a thought that comes with me to bed almost every night unless I’m in a really good mood surrounded by people close to me. Because when people genuinely say kind things, hang out with you and have a good time, those thoughts and moments can overcome. Maybe that’s why people like to surround themselves with people close. It is a valid way to get over these thoughts. 
 But, I am the kind of individual that always seeks new people and tend to lean more into that. So I will need to carry that burden with me and own that… 
 I know when I have this train of thought, the only thing I tend to do is hypertunnel and keep meeting new people. But hey myself, I say, you met a lot of people, you can certainly talk to someone about how you feel? Several people have offered to lend your ear and all that! Or to message them.
 Well, that’s the issue… I just don’t know what to do. Choice paralysis kicks in and I end up freezing in the moment. I end up closing Discord a few times and keeps on trucking through for something new. 
 I can at least identify that I’m going through this and acknowledge it. But I have yet to figure out how to overcome the choice paralysis part of the whole equation. I know certain individuals (very small select few) have broken this barrier. 
 The comfort in meeting new people is never knowing what will happen next. The few occasions have brought me really great surprises. But other times, there have been misses or not meet anyone new that catches my attention. At the same time, the people I’ve randomly met from several months ago end up showing up again more eager to talk to only get closer to. While there are some people who I click well with conversations, but it seems that life happened and I don’t see those individuals as often.
 That, and you can get a raw, unfiltered opinions (usually) from strangers and acquaintances. I understand a fair share of my friends have reservations with public instances and being generally fatigued by meeting new people. They prefer being surrounded by their significant other and their closest friends. I don’t mind the drawbacks because I don’t take those individuals personally. I also don’t have much to lose either as I’m a stranger for a lot of people I stumble upon. 
 If I want to practice the idea of freedom for myself and other people. Then I’ve ultimately decided that if people want to see me, people will seek me out. Which is one of the nicest feelings to feel for me. 
 Now, what if I want to desire seeing someone else in particular? That’s a good question, because I very rarely feel that way. Once I do feel that way, it’s typically short lived and may last a week, or a month at most. Once that time is up, my body and mind go back to a state where it feels like it has no preference for any person. There are exceptions to where people who I feel close enough, I’ll always have the feeling of admiring a person. Otherwise though, it just goes back to that empty state. My body only rekindles its interest or fire when meeting the same individual again with a great interaction.
 It explains a lot of the hot and cold nature of myself regarding when I drop in, message or the like. I feel that not enough people really see that interaction around me. Mainly because my body and mind naturally gravitates towards reacting who is in front of me. And it seems that a decent amount of people are favorable with me appearing nice or pleasant to be around. I’m thankful that people enjoy my presence. However, my body and mind reacting on its own while having deep thoughts can bury the underlying feelings I’ve been having with my thoughts. It’s why for the longest time, it was difficult to pin down how I functioned as a person. Because I wasn’t aware of that. 
 There really is no shortcut to meeting quality people. I know that on average, I usually meet a couple of wonderful individuals on a yearly basis. I’m very fortunate that most of those people I’ve met, I end up seeing them on a weekly or a monthly basis. Withstanding the “life happens” clause. 
 I know that if someone said words such as, “I like you”, it makes me slow down a bit with careful optimism and want to tread carefully. Let time sort itself out, and enjoy the moment. But not be surprised if things change later on. Because people have that right to choose what they want to spend their time with. Some people are passionate with their careers, some people are passionate with their hobbies and their friend groups. Others may have their favorite person under the sun to spend time with. I can accept all those reasons, because I know those people are at their happiest being with the people they need in their life.
 Myself on the other hand? I always see myself as a side quest. The NPC that can guide you to the right direction. The person with utility and support that can show. You that there are genuinely nice people out there. The pit stop on the road trip with nice amenities. However, you can always do better.
 There are people who are more naturally driven that know what they want, that know they want a special someone in their life.
I… Kind of just live in the present moment and I know just about everything else I do want. With the amount of times I’ve been told I’ve been liked, a part of me is terrified of that experience. Only because I’ve lived most of my life alone and it’s difficult to me to generate those feelings. The few times that I did find those feelings, life happens, or the situation’s changed and life priorities needed to be focused on something else and both sides have experienced this before. So, I just savor the memories and treasure them forever. I can understand the cheesy quote about the “Real treasure is the friends we’ve made along the way” now. But in this context, it is very melancholy… 
 The process of getting closer to people is a nice learning experience as long as you’re prepared of the emotional experiences that come with it. Including the negative ones with disappointment, hardships, broken expectations, and a general sense of a fear of the unknown. It is no wonder why a lot of my friends have opted out of public instances. However, for me I feel too bored and content if I stick around with a group for too long. It’s why I personally enjoy seeing a variety of people. It keeps life interesting to me, but it comes at the cost of being surrounded by acquaintances but not actually knowing anyone on a personal level.
 However… All that learning from experience has yet to aid me with the current situation I’m in with my mind…
 It seems that what I’m most infatuated by is still chasing that ideal environment where everyone can be free, be themselves, modest and polite with conversations and all that… And in the past, my solution was (unintentionally discovered this) for myself to be that ideal environment and those really close to me confirmed that of me. That I make people really cozy and comfortable to be around… 
 Though the flaw with myself being this is… I can’t keep nor maintain this 100%. A group of people makes it a lot more easy to maintain. A particular group back in May gave me the best month of my life with the kind of environment I enjoy having. Had I not been roaming around randomly and stumbling upon the main person back then that got me to meet all of these really chill people, I wouldn’t have realized this answer. So I do thank them genuinely.
 With all that said, I’m still back at square one. It feels very… Fatiguing to have this episode resurface again.
 Is it even possible to overcome this particular situation… 
 Because we have:
 This fear of choosing who to approach or talk to next amongst people I know? 
The feeling of waking up one day and just not feel personally attached to anyone with those feelings lasting longer than intended (like a week+)?
The coming to terms of how socializing works that people really do come and go, and I still need to accept it in full. Not just say I’m okay with it for a couple days and relapse later… 
 The odds are definitely against me because with all that combined, it puts me in a situation to where I feel convinced that I solely need to do it on my own… Because I need to lift that fear inside of me. In the past it took me time and a lot of deep dives within my own mind, and suffered through them alone to eventually overcome it. I feel as that this fear works more logical, so sheer willpower won’t do… Or it can, but it will be a large detriment on my end. And take up more time than I intend to be. So that’s not going to be an option to brute force this. 
 It does seem though with all the above mentioned, they are all intertwined together as the reason why I feel that way. The people coming and going tends to be a trigger and a chain reaction to instilling the fear of who to reach out or talk to next. Being in that cycle for a while ends up making me feel like not having any feelings for other people anymore. 
 It is a very potent combo that results in my entire mind feeling a bit stunted. Almost as if my feelings have been robbed. I can still function as myself, it’s just difficult on some days to not be able to relax and let loose. I know that being around people I enjoy being around lifts that feeling up. But it eventually crawls back in when I’m by myself and after about a day or two, or when my thoughts end up thinking on its own while at work. It can happen randomly as well. 
 But at least I laid down the ground work to what’s been going on. 
 I’ll just count this as an obstacle to overcome and continue to at least enjoy the few things that my body expresses joy in and hold onto it. That’s the plan. There’s naturally going to be uncertainty and I’m aware my mind will think of something devious that will attempt to stop me in my tracks yet again. But I got you brain, you’re not gonna derail me yet again like you did with… A quarter of my life… Damn.
 Alright, it’s time I walk off now and get some fresh air. Regardless of what happens next.
 I appreciate you for reading this. Whoever you are. I at least got this out of my chest. It’s always an important step for me to do to get it out somewhere. And I understand not everyone is readily available to have this conversation. It’s kinda why I… Write this stuff at the end of the day. I do it for me and only for me.
 See ya.