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Previous Entries:
 The End of a Saga - https://pastebin.com/9w27Erq7
 Since the post after writing “The End of a Saga” and spending a month to mostly myself.  There are a few things I’ve learned about myself that I wouldn’t otherwise. While knowledge is half the battle in just about any given situation, there are some mental barriers that could not be overcome easily, at least on my own.
 With that being said, let’s go over them.
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 Let’s start out with some positives, shall we?
 “I know how to take care of the people I care about and I can extend that to strangers.”
 Regardless of how close I am with someone or relationship status, that has been a consistent thing I’ve exhibited. If anything, that is what I became natural at that I don’t really need to think of doing it, it just honestly happens. I make it a policy to where I leave it up to the individual with how close or how often they would wish to hang out with me. This has been described or perceived as how chill I am. That’s awesome to hear, and I thank the overwhelmingly amount of people who gave me this feedback as such.
 “I am tenacious with my near-daily schedule of social interaction with a general public (online, at least).”
 This is one of those long time buildups from that spanned across several years of engaging with various platforms like MMORPGs or the like. However, VRChat is the best place I’ve performed in terms of talking because the only thing you can do really is to talk (and game worlds if you want that… But I’d be playing games on Steam at that point if I really want to play a game, hah hah hah…). 
 That being said, a fair share of you that I’ve talked to are more on the reserved side and wonder how I can manage to do this. The answer really is that for my full time job, I mostly work alone. Imagine 40-60 hours a week being mostly alone in a lab setting. 
 “I speak out my mind on how I’m feeling and willing to talk about it to anyone that wants to know or hear about it. That includes strangers.”
 The fact I’ve written about myself to the public, and even more so to close friends and loved ones, this is my biggest strength and resulted me in a decent sized following.
 The reality here in order to make long term friendships is that it’s a give and take sort of deal. This extends to even platonic relationships. If you desire more people you want to talk about, there needs to be an equivalent exchange you’re willing to give up about yourself. And once upon a time I too, was a very timid kind of person. What got me out of my shell was really the FOMO effect, or the Fear of Missing Out. If you don’t at least talk about one thing about yourself, you will miss out on people you could of potentially connected with. Believe it or not, Genshin is a gacha that does FOMO quite well. 
 At the same time, opening up to talking to random strangers is a very tall order because there are several risks involved. And having enough bad interactions can turn you off to meeting new people. Even on occasion, I end up getting burned out from them as well, especially if they happen on a near daily basis. However, just as when I go through a lot of bad series of events, I end up eventually meeting some incredible people throughout the long time I’ve spent on the internet. And in the extremely rare chance, I had end up going on a date as a result of that.
 However, you realize the people that are bad for you, usually don’t want to be around you so they’ll make a mess and leave. Now, there are extreme cases where some people prolong malicious intent, that’s outside the norm. But if you experience that, I can’t blame people who as a result, become more paranoid and are afraid that anyone they interact with can turn their back on them at any time, and that sort of mental damage at worst can result in not being able to function normally anymore as a result.
 With all the stuff I mentioned above, that’s how I’ve been able to uphold this point without hesitating. Though I will have some days where if there’s a game I really want to play or a thought I want to chase and put my creativity to good use, I’ll stop what I’m doing to get it done.
 “I’m glad that people are fully living their lives to the fullest and leaving me to myself.”
 This is probably the most deceiving statement to say on why it sounds positive. Creating a healthy boundary and allowing people to choose to leave me a get well soon message here or there is nice. Honestly, reading these updates is enough. Because there have been some people who messaged me who do say, “I wish I could help but the best I can do is check up on you.” And that’s fine, none of you are licensed therapists. Nor do I want to give the burdens I have pushed onto people without their consent. 
 That being said, for the few of you that have been upset I don’t message back more often. Well, you’re more than welcome to write me off as someone that does not meet your needs, and you’re more than welcome to replace me or find someone else to talk to. 
 I’m dealing with my own issues right now. I really don’t know how else to make this any more clear.
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 Alright with everything positive you said, this sounds like you’re almost ready to go!… That means you’re good to go right?
 Unfortunately not. If anything, I’ve identified more on my thoughts and what to do. But just because I’ve identified them doesn’t mean that all of the issues I’ve found about myself can simply be fixed overnight. Some have been with me since I was young. Some of them are recent developments. 
 Anyway, let’s get into them.
 (Current) “Meaning of Life” and “People come and go in your life” Situation
 I think most people would end up saying “Screw this”, then drink or get high and call it a day. I used to be the type of person that gets very attached easily, but I’ve seen a lot of quality people kick the bucket dead, ghost themselves into a new life to leave you behind, or the rare occasion of having conflicting viewpoints and beliefs that you end up splitting off. At least time has grounded me down to the point of enjoying things in the moment, but I’ll have to handle the people coming and going as just a normal part of life and having to come to terms with it. It’s not something I can come to terms with so easily. I always idealize that having great interactions with people or giving them solid advice can make you be in other people’s memories as a good thing, and to realize that there are great people out there. That way, when the goodbyes happen whether formal or people end up not keeping in touch often, I like to think that at least you made their life have some sort of positive impact. 
 (New) “After the first conversation, I no longer initiate or reach out to anyone on my own.”
 This is a two-parter. Initially, I wrote this out because I did indeed feel terrible that I did not have the energy to reach out to other people as much as I’m used to.
 More recently though as of right now, I’m also going to make the decision to not initiate conversation with other people for now. The consequence of having a lot of options on who to talk to, is the mindset of not wanting to let people down. I feel that there’s something else holding me back from initiating conversations with other people. I do follow up though and thank people for their time. As of right now, I’ll keep things simple and just leave my DMs open but don’t initiate moving forward for the sake of my sanity. Unless if it’s a business related transaction, whole different story then.
 (Recently Discovered) “Working alone by myself for 40 hours a week allows my mind to wander off into anything and everything, even the negative thoughts.”
 This is the biggest reveal to date when I found this out early on in September and personally tracked this behavior for the entire month, and now it’s 100% confirmed as the biggest source of my misery. 
 Now, this was something that had started cropping up starting February 2022, then those thoughts were suppressed with a life event happening over the summer before it eventually came back in full force at the end of August.
 If I were to summarize the internal issues that I had from my previous entry on “The End of a Saga”, it would basically be, “Everything around me is good, but I don’t think I value myself as highly as I should be since I put an even harder standard on myself. And then my brain will become VSauce but instead of talking about scientific facts, it will list facts on my flaws on myself that would eventually put me down and at times, out of commission.”
 I will continue to monitor what exactly the negative thoughts are that appear the most often, and at some point, organize these thoughts into something readable. The tricky part is they also come and go. There’s not necessarily a set pattern my mind focuses on. Until then, stay tuned for this.
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 [Constructive Criticism from Others’]
 “Why not take a break from VRChat?”
 That’s a simple one, VRChat’s community when I meet really nice people on there have been the biggest reason why I continue to be on the platform. I do not see myself taking a break from it anytime soon. The last time I took a break from it was a week ago (conveniently enough, the week that Easy Anti-Cheat update was up. I ended up playing on my Steam Deck at the time.)
 Some of my best friends are on VRChat and have given me such positive re-reinforcement that it encourages me to continue meeting new people and keeping in touch with people who do choose to send invites or drop by to see me.
 “Stop sleeping on public worlds on VRChat, it’s dangerous.”
 It’s much safer than being in Chicago. Lmao.
 “On VRChat, why do I always join in on your when you’re sleeping?”
 For context, I work 2 PM - 11 PM CST Monday-Fridays. So if you are someone from Overseas from USA especially in Japan, Philippines, and Australia. You’ll likely are gonna catch me sleeping by default. Now, despite me being up to date with my VRChat Statuses and flat out say I’m sleeping, some of you still join in on me. One of you even record me sleeping, that I actually find really funny.
 Keep it up I suppose, sleeping squad.
 “On VRChat, why do I join in on you when you’re idle?”
 Best way to find out what I’m exactly doing, send me a Discord message. If I appear online as a Friend+ On Cloud Nine, that’s my home world and I’m working on getting my FBT setup. If you see movement, simply wait for me to get on fully. 
 “Man you thinking about what the meaning of life is? That’s some sad garbage. Just get drunk or high bro.”
 I have no comment on this…
 “Oh my god stop overthinking!”
 Actually, I envy you that you can simply stop thinking. My mind does it on its own even when I don’t want to. If you have a way to reliably do this on your ownf. Please, DM me about it.
 “You should consider getting help from a professional.”
 You know, that’s probably a fair one considering I could potentially save time. But at the time when I needed one the most is when I was part time with no health benefits, so paying for one on a retail wage at the time is not feasible. So I ended up solving my own issues.
 That being said, now that I am very involved of solving my own internal issues for well over a decade now and to take that away from me, is the equivalent of taking my pride away from the ability to problem solve and having the “do-it-yourself” mentality taken away. It’s hard for me to consider doing that as well, but if I’m absolutely stuck, I will consider it as a last resort.
 “Being afraid to get closer to people? That’s a human need lmao, L bozo” 
 There is a reason in my opinion to be afraid of it. When your mind is compromised and is depressed for example, it is much more likely to be attracted to someone because they comfort you while you’re feeling down, and not because of who they are as a person.
 So, I always make a disclaimer on how I’m doing or feeling because people need to know what they’re getting themselves into before they continue having a discussion with you. Not everyone is willing to talk to people while they’re going through hard times, and some people will flat out move on to hang out with other people. I do agree to respect people’s times and if they need to see other friends or spend time with important people? Let em’ be. 
 From my experience, a lot of people enjoy the idea of knowing someone who is easy to talk to and won’t feel guilt tripped or feel forced to interact with them on a set schedule. That’s just not a realistic way of socializing with people.
 “On VRChat, I notice you are in a public lobby all by yourself. Why is that?”
 I feel good enough to hang out with people as a background noise, but feel terrible enough to have a wave of anxiety paralyze me from initiating a conversation with people. Which gets dispelled by the other person initiating a conversation or be next to me, then I snap out of it and become back to normal.
 “Oh come on this again? Listen, you know damn well I and more are and will always as can be reasonable be there for you. Now stop the sad boi hours and cheer up ya big lovable nerd. We, and you know I, definitely care about you. What’s to save? You’re great to be around as is. You just lack confidence but that’s okay sometimes. We can’t always be pillars. Sometimes we need some TLC too. Friends will always come and go, but what is important is what stays with you in your heart, to ignore what’s positive and permanent is to make yourself miserable. It’s okay, just don’t let it eat you whole, nerdo.” 
 Thank you for that, Nanachi. 
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 [So What’s Next, Crit?]
 My real life stuff consists of working and paying down things, and preparing for other life purchases along the way.
 My only lead right now is to continue living, take in any requests of people wanting to hang out with me, and otherwise have dedicated time to exploring the digital world and meeting more new and potentially awesome people. I have been in a good enough capacity to be able to go to work, and at times have a conversation or two. I’m still not the way that I was before at my peak, but some progress is progress.
 I will still continue to operate in limited capacity, my DMs will still be open but I will not initiate any DMs moving forward on Discord. 
 VRChat I will be in mostly full capacity, but will operate in a 75% Public Lobby / 25% Friends+ Only or one-on-one capacity. 
 See you on the next one.