Pasted

It seems that as I come to understand myself more on the deepest core of myself, it seems that I am really out of reach for everyone else. I’ve spent most of last month trying to combat those awful feelings from the January 2nd Entry… 
 Unfortunately, I have made very little progress. The best thing I can say about myself in this situation is: I am physically alive. And really, the best option I can do right now is to continue living.
 As I’ve studied my mood entries I’ve written throughout the entire month, the three main things that kept my head up was:
 Palworld (which lasted a week)
Having certain people speak up to me and spoke honestly how much they like my general presence
Having certain people to talk about what I’ve been through below
 A good friend of mine said it best when she mentioned that, “It’s a lot more complex than a surface level of lonely feeling.”
 This time around, it was difficult for me to write this all in one sitting with my own mind…
 Through a series of several discussions with different people who have actually checked up on me and asked the right questions about me, I’ve slowly puzzled the pieces of what I said across different people. If you recognize any of this, then I already see you so highly. Thank you truly:
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 The secret to what I do really is that I'm in plain sight, but I have many layers. It's up to the individuals that notice something about me, to approach me and find out. To which I enjoy when people actually approach me and ask more questions about me. 
 You see, with how I operate... I can go with the flow on whatever conversation is happening regardless of where the conversation takes place, but unless **people ask me questions specifically about me**, I actually don't really talk about myself at all. Because I never know if the group of people all know each other, or they are also strangers themselves. But there are social etiquettes to entering into conversations without being too disruptive. (Because after all, nobody actually knows you in the general public so nobody wants to be info dumped like that).
 I let having good surface level conversations allow people to have the *choice* to get to know me more, or lead up to it. 
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 We have parallels.
 It’s the inverse in this case. You find it hard to be around other people for your reasons (of social anxiety), but people can easily relate that sort of issue and it is easier to love you.
 I find it hard to be around other people because my mind wanting to deep dive the topics it wants of its choosing, but the difficulty to understand me at a fundamental level and being stern on trying to do things on my own first, alongside not saying much to people…
 It leaves people no room or capacity to even think of the concept of liking me.
 I’m not afraid of people. The sad part is people are afraid of me when they realize how many layers of sorrow I hold within myself and people will either move on quietly from me, or tell me quotes such as “Crit you’re overbearing”.
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 People are simple creatures at the end of the day. As long as they get the love of their life settled, their friend group in check, and some contacts that are basically the knowledgeable ones of a highly sought out skill like Unity work or PC help, and a community they align with their shared interest of their hobby.
 Thats it. It makes things much more difficult to either add a new friend into their life, whether it’s time, or they ran out of space.
 People want to do the nice thing and say how they honestly feel about you *in the moment.* But you being around enough people, you can’t shake the feeling that you will end up being left behind (and unintentionally in most cases) because the people they already know that **synergize** well with their personality and their current life living situation….
 People will be left behind regardless.
 People will be categorized as “Oh my partner or bestie was not on yet so *it happens that I saw you online so I want to check up on you.*
 The first half of that sentence stings more than what they realize. It’s a conditional transaction. They did it not because their first reason was that they care about you, the first reason was that they’re bored that the people they **really wanted to see** was not on yet.
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 I’m alive right now, it just sucks to deal with a mindset barely anyone knows about. That’s a fact unfortunately. Does that mean I need to do everything by myself? If people can’t even relate with what you’re going through, people can’t get closer to you.
 Maybe (Most likely, yes, I think to myself).
 Because more people walked away from me after truly getting to know me more. On one hand, makes my life easy and I know now moving forward to actually challenge people who want to get closer to me, otherwise I just won’t talk about myself on a personal level and leave that for my blog.
 On one hand, makes my life easy and I know now moving forward to actually challenge people who want to get closer to me, otherwise I just won’t talk about myself on a personal level and leave that for my blog.
 On the other hand, the amount of people dwindled so small that well… I’m running out of options.
 The biggest wildcard is what my mind is in the mood of doing. I’m pretty much screwed if it thinks about how people and socialization works.
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 Humans by nature are built so empathetically when people hear they are not doing well, but not all humans have the resolve or tenacity to care for others when people realize their situation runs so deep and not able to say anything else. 
 People need a motive to care about an individual at a deeper level. Whether that’s because they genuinely like the person, they have some common ground to talk, or it is relatable enough to at least talk about it in kind. If none of those are there, people will eventually move on without you. What hurts even more is that some people flat out tell me that they happen to “forget about me” after having an important event and another friend who is close that knows the both of us said, “That’s weird that she didn’t invite you at all.”
 At the same time, the person who didn’t invite, is also the kind of person who is very dependent on having a partner to fill the gap by all means. And also had a couple of arguments back and forth between her lack of self care without having a partner, and her getting upset with me when I didn’t want to date her because I still wanted to work on myself a bit longer until I got over that hurdle. I would have dated them otherwise.
 Humans in nature at the end of the day work towards what makes them feel good. And they’ll do just about anything to get things that make them feel good. Their career, money, that passion hobby or project, finding people they really desire… Even as far as Alcohol, Drugs, Sex, all that stuff…
 This world leaves very little to no room for people who are complex, or broken in such extreme degrees.
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 If I truly am this depressed riddled monster people say can’t handle me anymore or rather want to leave me be. Then so be it. 
 Then I will do what I can, for myself. No matter how miserable I feel.
 This agonizing mind of mind is truly a byproduct of being so conditioned to always work to always put others first before me. And now that lifetimes’ worth of putting myself out as a service first, and myself last…
 That’s all on me. That’s my fault. I did this to myself. And if people find something better out there for them. Then I’d rather let people go so they can get to enjoy their happy ending to their life.
 Life is too short to spend time on one single person. 
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 A lot of peoples’ life issues I’ve been able to resolve is simply a matter of perspective. There’s also the benefit of simply living simple, and as long as people have those key people in their lives. Most people can bounce back and be happy. Yourself included.
 I am a grand person, but that also means my mind is grand to the extent that my particular issues with my own mindset… Really is something that’s not as well documented. 
 No need to say you feel useless. None of you expected how much of a scale this life issue is for me. This journey of mine internally is the greatest one yet the most challenging one. Because there’s not really a known solution to this. 
 Statistically speaking, more depressed people tend to be intelligent since they are hard to be understood.
 But regardless, long as I breathe, that means I have another chance to confront those issues within myself.
 That’s the best most people can really do for me.
 It is what it is.
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 [What will you do next, Crit?]
 It’s simple. I will continue to live and wander what I usually do. I will be working on this for the foreseeable future. 
 The age old question of, “How are you Crit?” Is finally answered. 
 Please continue with your lives. I enjoy seeing that people have found themselves, it is truly a treat to see. 
 Unless you personally reach out to me and want to continue discussions with me, I will say this for the rest of you:
 Goodbye forever.