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"As long as you need me, I'll be around. Just send me a message anytime."
 "Hey you found what makes you happy. Keep at it. It's good to celebrate what you do have!"
 "It's really nice to see you two happy with each other."
 "What matters most at the end of the day is what you want out of life."
 "Being happy with people you're close to is definitely the gift that keeps on giving!"
 "People surround you because they value you as a person. People seek you because you're a genuinely good person."
 ===========================
 The world in a social environment is in quite a social decay filled with ulterior motives and one-sided relationships of all kinds. I just don't enjoy it at all...
 Those are all words that I've told to other people that I care about. I learned that as long as I live in the moment and give my thanks and appreciation. It plants the seed of happiness over time and seeing other people doing well is a wonderful sight.
 You could say I've been giving away all remaining happiness to the people that enjoy my company, that do want to reach out to me again.
 I've conquered my professional life. I've overcame my social anxiety to the point I can have casual conversations with anyone. I've led communities and various servers. I've got to meet a lot of people. Yes, I did so much I should be ecstatic!
 But... I'll be honest despite my achievements, I still feel like I'm nothing.
 People have confided me in just about everything else, but to be fond over in an intimate manner that goes both ways is a rare thing on my part. I've been held very close and yet at the end of the day, people have their preferences and you're just not it.
 One can argue being a safe choice for someone to talk to is nice but a made up mind is hard to sway. It is a universal truth that unless the individual wants to set time to see you constantly, I've learned that people at best can enjoy your company but not to the degree that people NEED you in their life and can't live without you.
 And I've been told many times that, "It's not your problem or fault if people don't see you or like you in that way."
 At the same time, this constant feedback it can't help but make me think of the worst case scenario: 
 Maybe I was meant to be the support NPC in everyone's lives I come contact with that choose to extend their friendship to me.
 It damns me every single day of me being human. This heart while it has been my biggest strength to be an empathetic being, it also desires to be cared for in a special manner too. And yet it is another source of what could go wrong with me too.
 And I'll be honest, with this particular situation on the current forbidden word, I... Don't really have anyone to talk to about this simply because the last thing you want to do is make things more complicated by stating how much you really like a person after they established who they like. It's very disruptive and rude, and it makes people feel bad. So the best thing to do in my opinion is cheer them on, hype them up, and make sure to pass on the happiness and cheers for them. Let them live in the moment. Allow them to pursue what they lo-... really like to do and who they really want to spend time with.
 Just like that, I proceed to move forward and to ensure that those good feelings are preserved to the individual. I simply go off, do my own thing and leave them alone entirely. I no longer message them for a while until I resolve what I'm dealing with.
 In any kind of friendship or something greater, there needs to be an aspect of individual time to work on yourself. I believe that you can be brief on what you're going through and leave it at that. I'm not a fond of treating anyone as my therapist to the extent I don't really even talk about myself so open and direct like that... Unless you read these entries. It's the best compromise I've been able to find.
 That, and I've learned from experience that certain topics to bring up are simply not going to work out especially if it brings conflict of interest.
 It's an unfortunate cycle that now that I look back, that's how the breakdown had happened from March 2023. Except that time it came in full force with no prep time to embrace for impact. It completely overwhelmed me and made me have a sense that I could never be lo-... Liked like that. And even when the few instances that it happened, I appeared too emotionally unavailable to respond back to it. At that point in time? It was for the best to just say no and be honest with how I felt in the Labyrinth Series, "DESPAIR", "UNDESERVING", "DEFRAGMENTATION" entries respectively. 
 While the feeling of those previous entries have crawled back in one form or another, now that I have the perspective of myself from today seeing how I've been feeling now and from the past...
 There's... Not really a way to combat these feelings except to deal with it myself to the best that I can. The envy feelings of seeing people find where they really belong to and enjoying things in the moment. It's almost as if my body has completely forgotten how that feels like to be on the receiving end. 
 Yet at the same time, I'm desperate to want to break this chain... But it requires accepting another person into my life in a fondly manner... But then I lost all feeling to initiate and seek out those kind of... Intimate connections like it's just not there. Or sometimes while those feelings do occasionally pop up, it just feels so short lived...
 I just... honestly, I fill the void with any small talk out there at this point, even if they are complete strangers under the expectation that I may likely never see them again, or they may never see me as a friend but can be really cool to talk to. 
 If the answer to all this is simply, "It takes time to move forward.", then this is a very taxing and cruel life on a mental capacity. Unfortunately, that's just been about my entire life.
 But I'm also aware that with my particular set of conditions, it is an ideal recipe if one intends on living a solo life. Which... Some days I really just want to connect and spend quality time with. However... That requires the other person to agree to it. I don't even know who I want to spend time with... And being turned down a lot really gives me a sense of, "There's just a lot of coincidences that maybe people are avoiding me. Or at least it seems like it a lot but it's entirely possible that's not the case either."
 When I do hear the hints of how cold I've been, or that there's some sort of barrier placed around you from a feedback I got from a few years ago. That's been the key and noticed that she's right. 
 In this world, regardless of how many people you help on a professional or a personal level. The unfortunate reality here is that if you yourself do not provide a long term energy of being a generally nice person to hang out with or give out those kind of positive vibes...
 People won't stick around.
 It indeed does take effort to focus on particular people you really want to be around as another magician had once said.
 But if I can't overcome what I'm currently dealing with... And I've been dealing with these sorts of feelings for a good chunk of my lifetime...
 Then honestly, I don't deserve anyone close to me.
I don't want to drag anyone else down anymore.
I don't want to be a liability for anyone.
I don't want to be lo-... Liked.
 I simply... Just don't want to be here anymore.
 Not... Not right now at least. 
 While I will still receive messages and I will at least allow the opportunity to have my door open  for a discussion. I will no longer initiate, ask or join off anyone. I won't really appear online either to signify this saga.
 I'm going to be on reply only and keep at it with this situation.
 As for I'm afraid I just... If the F-Word got taken away from me, now the L-Word is gone. 
It makes me feel sick that those words which used to be a source of strength... Now makes me want to run away and cry seeing the sight of those.
 I just... Can't... I'm sorry.
 I need to go.